I'm feeling pain

and I don't like it.

I used to drink when I felt any kind-of emotional pain.  The pain wouldn't go away, but it would always be masked for a least awhile.  It is that numbing feeling that I miss.  That is what I most often remember fondly - not drinking a cold beer on a hot summer day, not tasting a fine glass of wine - the feeling of sinking into complete oblivion - that is what I miss.

I know that feeling my emotions is the more healthy solution.  And, it isn't as unpleasant as it was even a year ago.  I am getting better at dealing with my feelings in a healthy manner.  I can recognize that shitty feelings are going to surface, and they are temporary.

My father's impending divorce is bringing up so much pain - for me and for my kids.  I am trying to be the best mom I can and protect them from it - but it is hard.  

The "adult play date"

My son has a really good friend who lives around the corner from us.  He is one of the nicest, most polite boys I have ever met.  We like my son to hang around with him. 

Since summer began, my son and his friend have been riding their bikes over to each others houses constantly, having sleepovers, swimming, eating dinner at each other's houses, and playing video games together.  They are also in summer music camp together (playing the same instrument). 

With all of this going on, I have talked with his mom a bunch.  She is nice, and I always thought she seemed kind-of cool.  She was over at my house the other day as I walked her through renting an instrument online (I swear, it was way more complicated than it should have been!)  I swore by mistake (kids were outside), and then apologized, and she laughed and said, "I am so glad you swear!"  We are like kindred spirits. 

Today when I picked up her son for a sleepover, she said she had to have us all come over for dinner.  She said she makes a mean margarita and then asked if I drank.  I smiled and said no.  She said, "Not at all?"  and I said, "No, not at all." I told her my husband would likely have a drink (so she wouldn't think we were nerdy teetotalers).  

I didn't explain why I don't drink.  I would if asked, or if it came up in conversation. But, this wasn't the time (kids were getting in the car).  

I have a sober friend who doesn't tell new people why he doesn't drink.  He just doesn't explain.  He has had people ask him right out and he just says "I don't drink."  I want to do that, but for some reason I feel like I have to explain.  I am not sure why though.....

I am sitting outside by the pool watching my kids and one of my son's friends swimming. I can not believe how different my life is now that I am sober. If I was still drinking I wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't want another kid here because I would want to drink - and not just a couple - I would drink until I passed out. Now, I can watch the kids and when my son's friends mother asks when to come get him - I can say "whenever. We are just chilling outside.". There is no feeling that I need to get inside and drink. I am so much more laid back and relaxed. Life is good.