I was waking up, getting ready for a busy day. I had to present at a training for work, and I worry about public speaking. Once I get up there, I relax within 3 minutes, enjoy myself and actually do pretty well, but the hours leading up to it are torture.
I went through my day dealing with the little stressors and annoyances and problems. And, it went well. I obsessed a bit because I have a job interview today, and I am not sure I even want the job, but even so I want them to want me. I had words with a close friend in the program, and we worked it out. Basically, all day was a test of the principles I am learning in AA.
Yesterday evening I was playing around on facebook and looked at an old friend's page. It took me a bit to comprehend what I was seeing, but after re-reading it several times, I realized he had died and people were saying they would miss him. I freaked, and then thought it had to be a sick joke of some sort. I googled, my husband googled, and eventually we pieced together (from an online obit and an article in my friend's local paper) that he had died on Sunday of a suspected prescription drug overdose.
I haven't cried like that in many, many years. It was like a deluge. I started retching.
There are all kinds of other things that this is related to - my marriage, my alcoholism, my demons - it is more complicated than simply feeling sorry that an old friend has died. I recognize that.
My relationship with this friend was complex and multi-layered. It involved love and hate and indifference and 20 years of on again off again friendship and romantic entaglement. Honestly, this is the type of blow I didn't expect to have to face yet.
But, there is a part of me that wants to sob for every addict, every alcoholic. It did not have to end like this. And, I can't believe he is gone - just like that. Poof.
My sponsor and I spoke last night and she reminded me to take it minute by minute. That is all I can do. The day I have in front of me is busy, and hard, and challenging, and I don't have the strength to deal with it. But, I will. Minute by minute.
I am starting my day at a meeting - a meeting I feel comfortable at. I can't cry because it will ruin my makeup for my interview. But, I can talk with other people who will understand.
