When I am disturbed it is always about me.......

When I am disturbed it is always about me. When I am disturbed it is always about me.

I hear that a lot in AA. I hear about identifying my part in things (resentments, arguments, etc.). That is a hard thing for anyone to do, I think. I feel like I grew up blaming others for things - and being rightfully angry about things. Anger and resentment were often worn as a badge. I would tell my friends, or family, or co-workers, or whoever would listen, with real outrage a story about what someone else did to me, about me, etc. and would feel satisfaction when they would concur that the person I was discussing was an asshole.

I try not to do that anymore. I fail, miserably, a lot, but I also can identify when I am doing it, and spend some time thinking about my part in disagreements. It is uncomfortable, as any time you hold up a mirror to yourself is, but it is making me a better person. A more honest person, a more empathetic person, and a more sincere person.

I am sitting here fuming because my husband has not gone outside to mow/rake the lawn yet. It is 10 AM, it looks like it is going to rain, and he has just spent the last two hours that he could have been outside sitting by his computer.

Instead of mentioning that the jungle that is our lawn is not going to mow itself (and I am truly embarrassed by the mess that it is right now - our neighbors are likely talking about us), I am sitting here bottling it up inside and thinking there is no reason for him to be schlepping the laundry around.

I finally broke down and said "Why don't you leave that for me and you go outside and do the lawn?" He dropped it and walked outside, angry.

So, what is my part? I am able bodied. I could do the outside stuff but I just don't wanna. My husband likely feels angry that I am expecting him to do it all outside while I slept late. He worked all week, commuted 2 hours each day, and helped take the kids to their activities in the evenings.

I need to be more understanding.