So very overwhelmed

but, my sponsor tells me I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I spent some time with her today, sniffling back tears as we discussed my sobriety.

I am happy to be sober, really I am. But, I hate feeling so goddamned sad all the time. I hate feeling the feelings that surface all day long. I wanted to drink yesterday. I wanted to drink so bad - so I could not feel the worry about my golf tournament that is going on next week. So I wouldn't have to feel like a failure because my job - fundraising - is going about as well as anyone would expect it to be in the worst economy since the great depression.

When I walked into work this morning, our assistant handed me a check for $25,000. She thought (bless her heart), that it would make me happy. Instead, I said, "That's IT?"

This check represents a grant that I requested - and it is only 1/6 of what we need for the project. The foundation it is from has recently given over 1 million dollars to a local charity. $150 K is within their means, and it honestly feels like a snub.

My boss came in and I gave him the news. His response was (with the exact same tone and pitch that I used), "That's IT?"

He is pissed. Add that to the less than stellar sponsorship amount I have recruited for the golf tournament, and I feel like a big failure. I actually said today, in a joking way, "I'm beginning to feel like I am not very good at this job." He said, "Yeah, me too." Then he laughed and said he was kidding. Only, it doesn't feel like he was kidding.

My sponsor says he was put in my life for a reason. If I was chugging along doing great and never feeling any discomfort, I wouldn't have to do "the work." The work to fill that hole inside of me from the inside. I have tried filling it with external stuff - food, sex, alcohol, etc. That doesn't work. I know that. But, it sure is easier than taking a good, hard look at myself recognizing the causes and conditions of my alcoholism.

Us alcoholics always look for the easier, softer way. It is time for me to buck up and do the work.

I need more meetings I was told today. By two alcoholics.

When my sponsor and I went to the meeting after we talked, we read from the Big Book - a story from the back. It talked about the exact same thing we had been discussing. We looked at each other and laughed. That always happens. I need to open up and fucking listen more.