Arghhhhhhhh

I am overwhelmed. Again.

This really, really sucks.

I just feel completely out of sorts. I am buried - absolutely buried - at work. And, the further behind I get, the less in control of everything else (including my sobriety) I feel.

I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't have started a job so soon. Maybe I am too new in sobriety - in an essentially new life - to throw this monkey wrench into the plan. I started out doing great there. Impressing everyone and stuff. Fitting in like I was there forever. A woman I work with mentioned today that I haven't looked happy in awhile. That is not good. I can't even keep up the act that everything is fine to casual co-workers.

Now I feel like it is all slipping away. I feel like I can't do it all and keep my sanity. I have wanted to cry all day today. And, I don't know why. Is it the pressure? The challenge? The stress?

Part of me just wishes I could start sobbing and let it all out. Holding it in all the time really hurts. I don't remember the last time I really cried. I am not a big crier. I haven't been in years and years. I don't even remember crying when my parents got divorced. I was very matter of fact about the whole thing. I always thought that was good. I am realizing now it was not good. In fact, in can be pretty damn bad to keep stuffing feelings away. Eventually they just don't stuff anymore.

Put one foot in front of the other. Just keep going. One day - one hour - at a time. I can do it. But, it just sucks.

My sponsor points out that I have a lot - a real lot - on my plate. I have a very sick sister, an extended family that doesn't have any idea how to deal with it, two children, a demanding new-ish job, I am a newcomer to sobriety, and I am trying to juggle it all.

It just hurts.