Arghhhhhhhh

I am overwhelmed. Again.

This really, really sucks.

I just feel completely out of sorts. I am buried - absolutely buried - at work. And, the further behind I get, the less in control of everything else (including my sobriety) I feel.

I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't have started a job so soon. Maybe I am too new in sobriety - in an essentially new life - to throw this monkey wrench into the plan. I started out doing great there. Impressing everyone and stuff. Fitting in like I was there forever. A woman I work with mentioned today that I haven't looked happy in awhile. That is not good. I can't even keep up the act that everything is fine to casual co-workers.

Now I feel like it is all slipping away. I feel like I can't do it all and keep my sanity. I have wanted to cry all day today. And, I don't know why. Is it the pressure? The challenge? The stress?

Part of me just wishes I could start sobbing and let it all out. Holding it in all the time really hurts. I don't remember the last time I really cried. I am not a big crier. I haven't been in years and years. I don't even remember crying when my parents got divorced. I was very matter of fact about the whole thing. I always thought that was good. I am realizing now it was not good. In fact, in can be pretty damn bad to keep stuffing feelings away. Eventually they just don't stuff anymore.

Put one foot in front of the other. Just keep going. One day - one hour - at a time. I can do it. But, it just sucks.

My sponsor points out that I have a lot - a real lot - on my plate. I have a very sick sister, an extended family that doesn't have any idea how to deal with it, two children, a demanding new-ish job, I am a newcomer to sobriety, and I am trying to juggle it all.

It just hurts.

Al-anon

Since I entered recovery, I have often mentioned al-anon to my husband and suggested that he might want to attend. He always says he would like to. There is a meeting at the same time and in the same building as a meeting I like to go to (and I actually might switch to it as my home group - for several reasons), and we recently decided that we should get a sitter on Tuesday nights so we can both go to meetings.

I think it would be good because he could work a program - learn about the principles and the steps, etc. I think it would be helpful for him. I want him to get the support I feel, and the love and the acceptance. I want that for him.

Yet, part of me is terrified about him going. This is purely ego, and purely my own selfishness and craziness. I am afraid he will find out that I am a terrible person. That he and the other members will sit around sharing war stories about "their alcoholics" and our terrible behavior. That he needs to go get help because of me. That all the older women will listen to him, and tell him he is such a good man for putting up with my bullshit for all these years.

I am pretty sure that isn't how it works (at least that is what I read and I have heard), but I can't stop thinking about it is going to affect me. How selfish is that?