I was waking up, getting ready for a busy day. I had to present at a training for work, and I worry about public speaking. Once I get up there, I relax within 3 minutes, enjoy myself and actually do pretty well, but the hours leading up to it are torture.
I went through my day dealing with the little stressors and annoyances and problems. And, it went well. I obsessed a bit because I have a job interview today, and I am not sure I even want the job, but even so I want them to want me. I had words with a close friend in the program, and we worked it out. Basically, all day was a test of the principles I am learning in AA.
Yesterday evening I was playing around on facebook and looked at an old friend's page. It took me a bit to comprehend what I was seeing, but after re-reading it several times, I realized he had died and people were saying they would miss him. I freaked, and then thought it had to be a sick joke of some sort. I googled, my husband googled, and eventually we pieced together (from an online obit and an article in my friend's local paper) that he had died on Sunday of a suspected prescription drug overdose.
I haven't cried like that in many, many years. It was like a deluge. I started retching.
There are all kinds of other things that this is related to - my marriage, my alcoholism, my demons - it is more complicated than simply feeling sorry that an old friend has died. I recognize that.
My relationship with this friend was complex and multi-layered. It involved love and hate and indifference and 20 years of on again off again friendship and romantic entaglement. Honestly, this is the type of blow I didn't expect to have to face yet.
But, there is a part of me that wants to sob for every addict, every alcoholic. It did not have to end like this. And, I can't believe he is gone - just like that. Poof.
My sponsor and I spoke last night and she reminded me to take it minute by minute. That is all I can do. The day I have in front of me is busy, and hard, and challenging, and I don't have the strength to deal with it. But, I will. Minute by minute.
I am starting my day at a meeting - a meeting I feel comfortable at. I can't cry because it will ruin my makeup for my interview. But, I can talk with other people who will understand.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
What a day!
We had a wonderful day. My husband's 20th reunion was last night and we went with our friends J and S. It was a lot of fun! I guess my friend S doesn't know I quit drinking because she was trying to give me a sangria last night (who the hell drinks sangria lol?). Her sister in law is one of my closest friends and she knows, but I gues she hasn't told anyone. I just said no thanks and had water and soda. It was fine! No-one even noticed really. One of my husband's friends did clink glasses with me and tried to see what it was (water) and looked at me like, "Why aren't you drinking?" I ignored it and quickly enough she was back to her beer. lol
Then, today, we got up late (my kids were at my mom's) and cleaned up the house, mowed the lawn, etc. My kids got home and we had our son clean the pool (this is GREAT - he is old enough to actually, truly, really help. All for $5 a week - it is like slave labor!).
My husband's friends from out of town came over and then we all went over to J and S's house for a party. We are friends with all of J and S's siblings and they were all there along with their 10 kids (kids ranging from 3 - 12). This is their annual birthday party - they have one big party in the summer for all the cousins (instead of having a million birthday parties through the year). So, we had a ball. My kids love playing with all of them, and they are now old enough to do their own thing a bit more. I don't have to follow them around. It is AWESOME. Hell, they even could swim without us in the pool (an adult was always in the pool area). It was great.
We had a wiffle ball game of kids vs. adults. It was so much fun. When I was drinking I wouldn't have played. Now, I don't mind making myself look silly - I know I am not drunk and won't do something stupid. Then, after most people left, and the thunderstorm started, I sat inside with my friends and they drank wine and I drank soda and we gossiped while the kids played in the basement.
Now we are home and kids are in bed and we ordered pizza and wings and are going to watch tv together.
It was a perfect day.
Then, today, we got up late (my kids were at my mom's) and cleaned up the house, mowed the lawn, etc. My kids got home and we had our son clean the pool (this is GREAT - he is old enough to actually, truly, really help. All for $5 a week - it is like slave labor!).
My husband's friends from out of town came over and then we all went over to J and S's house for a party. We are friends with all of J and S's siblings and they were all there along with their 10 kids (kids ranging from 3 - 12). This is their annual birthday party - they have one big party in the summer for all the cousins (instead of having a million birthday parties through the year). So, we had a ball. My kids love playing with all of them, and they are now old enough to do their own thing a bit more. I don't have to follow them around. It is AWESOME. Hell, they even could swim without us in the pool (an adult was always in the pool area). It was great.
We had a wiffle ball game of kids vs. adults. It was so much fun. When I was drinking I wouldn't have played. Now, I don't mind making myself look silly - I know I am not drunk and won't do something stupid. Then, after most people left, and the thunderstorm started, I sat inside with my friends and they drank wine and I drank soda and we gossiped while the kids played in the basement.
Now we are home and kids are in bed and we ordered pizza and wings and are going to watch tv together.
It was a perfect day.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
It never fails......
I got sick Saturday night. Same thing my daughter had. Luckily, I now just feel tired and achey - no more throwing up. What a waste of a Holiday weekend. Yesterday was my stepfather's birthday party - my husband took the kids over. I had to miss it.
This week will be a better week - it has to be! I need to have an optimistic outlook about it. My daughter still feels sick, so I am home this morning and my husband is coming home at noon so I can make it into work for a bit. I feel like I am so disconnected from work. I hate not being there every day and knowing what the heck is going on. Plus I have a grant to write. I will bring it home tonight and work on it. I just hope everyone emailed me the data they were supposed to!
On the fourth, we went to my brother-in-laws. It was nice. We also went over to see my husband's friend (and his family) who is in town from Oregon. That was surprisingly difficult. One of my most embarrassing drunk moments happened at their wedding.
It was 7 years ago. My son was 2. My husband's best friend was getting married in Salt Lake City, and we were taking our first vacation away from our son. We were staying at the place they got married for a few days for the wedding festivities, and then heading over to Park City for close to a week.
I drank a lot at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding. I was drinking wine, which I generally didn't drink. At the wedding, I got really, really, blackout drunk. I remember flashes of the evening - smoking a cigar out on the patio with some random person, stumbling down the hall trying to find my room - but not the whole evening. I got very sick that night. It was absolute hell.
The next morning, I was still getting sick. The rest of the wedding party asked us to go to breakfast. I said no freaking way. I didn't even want them to see me. I was that bad. I told my husband to get me to Park City, to the condo so I could just sleep in air conditioning. (We were staying way, way, way up high in the mountains - there were no air conditioners - just swamp coolers - and it was like 90 degrees).
The car ride to Park City was excruciating. My husband had to keep pulling over so I could get sick. I actually thought I might die. I was shaking and couldn't stop. We got to the condo and my husband found directions to a health clinic.
We went there and I had to tell the doctor I drank a lot the night before. I was ashamed, and told him we were really high up and it must have been the altitude, mixed with some sort of stomach bug. The doctor just looked at me, like, "Yeah, sure."
I got an IV with fluids and some anti-nausea medicine. I felt better almost immediately.
We went back to the condo and I slept. I woke up a few hours later and we went to dinner. I ordered a raspberry wheat beer. I didn't drink to excess the rest of the trip, but I drank. I was being very "smart" and was drinking a glass of water with every alcoholic drink. I smugly thought that would be ok.
I was embarrassed around my husband's friend's family (we did a few dinners and things with them the rest of the week), but we told them I had a bug and maybe they believed us - I don't know.
My husband believed I had a bug. I convinced myself I did. Right up until I got sober, I would have told you that it was the altitude mixed with a virus and the alcohol. Not that I had drank enough to drown an elephant.
So, when we saw our friends Saturday, I felt ashamed all over again. I tried to act like I had it all together, and smiled and talked with them about our kids and our lives. But, in the back of my head, I was thinking they must think I am such a lush.
I was quiet driving home that night, and my husband asked me what was wrong. I told him it was hard being around J and H. He was quiet, and then said, "It wasn't like you were making out with a member of the bridal party in front of 200 people under the only bright light in the place...." (That is what J did at our wedding.). I laughed, but I told my husband, it doesn't matter what others do - it matters what I do. And, I was ashamed.
This Friday is my husband's 20th high school reunion. J and H will be there. It will be an interesting night. I am nervous about it. At least I know I won't do something stupid because I am drunk. Then, on Saturday, we are hanging out with J and H and their kids.
Then, Sunday, I get to see MY BFF and her family. Thank God.
This week will be a better week - it has to be! I need to have an optimistic outlook about it. My daughter still feels sick, so I am home this morning and my husband is coming home at noon so I can make it into work for a bit. I feel like I am so disconnected from work. I hate not being there every day and knowing what the heck is going on. Plus I have a grant to write. I will bring it home tonight and work on it. I just hope everyone emailed me the data they were supposed to!
On the fourth, we went to my brother-in-laws. It was nice. We also went over to see my husband's friend (and his family) who is in town from Oregon. That was surprisingly difficult. One of my most embarrassing drunk moments happened at their wedding.
It was 7 years ago. My son was 2. My husband's best friend was getting married in Salt Lake City, and we were taking our first vacation away from our son. We were staying at the place they got married for a few days for the wedding festivities, and then heading over to Park City for close to a week.
I drank a lot at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding. I was drinking wine, which I generally didn't drink. At the wedding, I got really, really, blackout drunk. I remember flashes of the evening - smoking a cigar out on the patio with some random person, stumbling down the hall trying to find my room - but not the whole evening. I got very sick that night. It was absolute hell.
The next morning, I was still getting sick. The rest of the wedding party asked us to go to breakfast. I said no freaking way. I didn't even want them to see me. I was that bad. I told my husband to get me to Park City, to the condo so I could just sleep in air conditioning. (We were staying way, way, way up high in the mountains - there were no air conditioners - just swamp coolers - and it was like 90 degrees).
The car ride to Park City was excruciating. My husband had to keep pulling over so I could get sick. I actually thought I might die. I was shaking and couldn't stop. We got to the condo and my husband found directions to a health clinic.
We went there and I had to tell the doctor I drank a lot the night before. I was ashamed, and told him we were really high up and it must have been the altitude, mixed with some sort of stomach bug. The doctor just looked at me, like, "Yeah, sure."
I got an IV with fluids and some anti-nausea medicine. I felt better almost immediately.
We went back to the condo and I slept. I woke up a few hours later and we went to dinner. I ordered a raspberry wheat beer. I didn't drink to excess the rest of the trip, but I drank. I was being very "smart" and was drinking a glass of water with every alcoholic drink. I smugly thought that would be ok.
I was embarrassed around my husband's friend's family (we did a few dinners and things with them the rest of the week), but we told them I had a bug and maybe they believed us - I don't know.
My husband believed I had a bug. I convinced myself I did. Right up until I got sober, I would have told you that it was the altitude mixed with a virus and the alcohol. Not that I had drank enough to drown an elephant.
So, when we saw our friends Saturday, I felt ashamed all over again. I tried to act like I had it all together, and smiled and talked with them about our kids and our lives. But, in the back of my head, I was thinking they must think I am such a lush.
I was quiet driving home that night, and my husband asked me what was wrong. I told him it was hard being around J and H. He was quiet, and then said, "It wasn't like you were making out with a member of the bridal party in front of 200 people under the only bright light in the place...." (That is what J did at our wedding.). I laughed, but I told my husband, it doesn't matter what others do - it matters what I do. And, I was ashamed.
This Friday is my husband's 20th high school reunion. J and H will be there. It will be an interesting night. I am nervous about it. At least I know I won't do something stupid because I am drunk. Then, on Saturday, we are hanging out with J and H and their kids.
Then, Sunday, I get to see MY BFF and her family. Thank God.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Independance Day
Happy Fourth of July!
We are going to my brother-in-laws for a cookout and a parade today. My husband and I have gone every year since we met for fourth of July. So, ummmm, 13 years I guess. This is the 13th year. The first year was in 1996 (we met in January 2006) - and it is now 2009 - yeah 13 years. We were married in October 1997 so our 12th wedding anniversary is this year. Wow.
Anyways, it is really important to my husband to do this tradition every year. Our kids have always gone, and they enjoy it. I am sort-of mixed. I mean, I don't hate it. I just do it. I made my white cake with the strawberry and blueberry flag on the frosting. My husband made his pasta salad. My kids are excited. I have cute flag outfits for them to wear. My husband's BFF is in town (same town where my BIL lives - about an hour away) and we will go over and see him, his wife, and their two kids. We will likely go to the cemetary and visit my father in law's grave (same town). I need to get showered and the house picked up so we can go.
I'll bring some crocheting I think. I haven't crocheted in a long time, but I enjoy it. Plus my MIL can help me!
My niece who is 16 has a boyfriend. Yikes! I am excited to meet him but is so strange to see my neices and nephews grow up.
I'm just tired. I met with my sponsor last night. We sat on lawn chairs outside on the grass at a church where a meeting is and we talked. Then and we went to the meeting together. I feel emotionally exhausted from trying to make this progress. It is hard. It is painful.
I need more meetings. I have to put this first. Why is it so hard?
OK - off to get ready to go.
We are going to my brother-in-laws for a cookout and a parade today. My husband and I have gone every year since we met for fourth of July. So, ummmm, 13 years I guess. This is the 13th year. The first year was in 1996 (we met in January 2006) - and it is now 2009 - yeah 13 years. We were married in October 1997 so our 12th wedding anniversary is this year. Wow.
Anyways, it is really important to my husband to do this tradition every year. Our kids have always gone, and they enjoy it. I am sort-of mixed. I mean, I don't hate it. I just do it. I made my white cake with the strawberry and blueberry flag on the frosting. My husband made his pasta salad. My kids are excited. I have cute flag outfits for them to wear. My husband's BFF is in town (same town where my BIL lives - about an hour away) and we will go over and see him, his wife, and their two kids. We will likely go to the cemetary and visit my father in law's grave (same town). I need to get showered and the house picked up so we can go.
I'll bring some crocheting I think. I haven't crocheted in a long time, but I enjoy it. Plus my MIL can help me!
My niece who is 16 has a boyfriend. Yikes! I am excited to meet him but is so strange to see my neices and nephews grow up.
I'm just tired. I met with my sponsor last night. We sat on lawn chairs outside on the grass at a church where a meeting is and we talked. Then and we went to the meeting together. I feel emotionally exhausted from trying to make this progress. It is hard. It is painful.
I need more meetings. I have to put this first. Why is it so hard?
OK - off to get ready to go.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
My poor baby
My daughter is sick. She started throwing up last night in my bed and threw up every 15 minutes throughout the night. After a couple of hours she was just gagging as there was nothing left in her system. We didn't sleep. She has taken and tolerated small sips of water today but when she drank a bit more (about 1/4 cup) at once she got sick again. So, we are back to small sips. She is just laying on my bed watching tv and dozing. I hate it when she is sick.
I had to call in to work (husband out of town, and my dad couldn't help today because he had an appointment). Even if he could have watched her I would have stayed home - she clearly feels miserable and needs mommy.
So, I will hve to go to work either tomorrow or Monday if I can because I have stuff to do.
I should really finish the piles of laundry from last night but I am so tired from not sleeping last night.
I had to call in to work (husband out of town, and my dad couldn't help today because he had an appointment). Even if he could have watched her I would have stayed home - she clearly feels miserable and needs mommy.
So, I will hve to go to work either tomorrow or Monday if I can because I have stuff to do.
I should really finish the piles of laundry from last night but I am so tired from not sleeping last night.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So, yeah......
It's official - my boss is leaving. End of July.
There will likely be a nationwide search for his position and a likely scenerio is no replacement until early 2010. We have two associate executive directors, and they will likely be in charge in the meantime. Our Board of Directors needs to look at all this, but that is my guess on how it will shake out.
I just keep reminding myself to breathe. There isn't anything I can do about it other than do my job to the best of my ability. That is all I can do. So, one foot in front of the other....
It is sad though. I like my boss. We get along well and even though he is tough to work for, he is fair. And, it is important for me to be happy for him instead of only thinking about how it will affect me.
So, life continues to give us lessons that we need to use for growth.......
There will likely be a nationwide search for his position and a likely scenerio is no replacement until early 2010. We have two associate executive directors, and they will likely be in charge in the meantime. Our Board of Directors needs to look at all this, but that is my guess on how it will shake out.
I just keep reminding myself to breathe. There isn't anything I can do about it other than do my job to the best of my ability. That is all I can do. So, one foot in front of the other....
It is sad though. I like my boss. We get along well and even though he is tough to work for, he is fair. And, it is important for me to be happy for him instead of only thinking about how it will affect me.
So, life continues to give us lessons that we need to use for growth.......
Good Morning!
I am forcing myself to be cheerful. Is it working?
I really dislike being so cranky all the time. Fake it till you make it.
There is this woman in AA. Her name in D. I really like her. She is totally cool, plus has everything I want. She has what appears to be a wonderful life - a handsome husband, a very sweet daughter, a great house they remodeled themselves, a good job and career, great hair....the whole package. Perhaps the coolest thing about D though is that she just seems truly happy. It radiates off her. I want THAT. I want that true happiness. Don't get me wrong - I have seen her cry and seen her having hard times - but she gets over it and is so present. She works at it. I really should spend more time with her. I know she likes me, and she is always saying we should spend more time together. I really should. I am scared to reach out though.
What else is going on? My sponsor is going back to school for her PHD. I am happy for her. We continue to meet about once a week or so to chat and go to a meeting together. I feel like I am not making progress, but she says that I am right where I am supposed to be. That sucks, because where I am tends to be painful. When do I get the happy part????
Work is kind-of nuts. I am 99% sure my boss is leaving. He hasn't made the announcement yet, but our offices are attached and I hear stuff. Plus, he has had closed door meetings over and over the last few weeks (more than he has the whole time I have worked there). His assistant started acting all upset after her closed door meeting with him. Her position is the most vulnerable to change (CEO's executive assistant). I am a little peeved I haven't been told yet. I am one of a handful of people who directly report to him.
The position he is (likely) taking is his dream job. Really, it is. He has been working for this his whole life. I am happy for him. The other part of me is totally worried though. A new CEO means change. Lots of change. My boss is - difficult - but I am learning a ton from him. I am sad that will end.
My husband is traveling all week.
I am taking Friday and Monday off, which is getting me to work today even though I don't feel like it. I have a couple meetings today, so I should get moving. I just want to go back to sleep!!!!
I really dislike being so cranky all the time. Fake it till you make it.
There is this woman in AA. Her name in D. I really like her. She is totally cool, plus has everything I want. She has what appears to be a wonderful life - a handsome husband, a very sweet daughter, a great house they remodeled themselves, a good job and career, great hair....the whole package. Perhaps the coolest thing about D though is that she just seems truly happy. It radiates off her. I want THAT. I want that true happiness. Don't get me wrong - I have seen her cry and seen her having hard times - but she gets over it and is so present. She works at it. I really should spend more time with her. I know she likes me, and she is always saying we should spend more time together. I really should. I am scared to reach out though.
What else is going on? My sponsor is going back to school for her PHD. I am happy for her. We continue to meet about once a week or so to chat and go to a meeting together. I feel like I am not making progress, but she says that I am right where I am supposed to be. That sucks, because where I am tends to be painful. When do I get the happy part????
Work is kind-of nuts. I am 99% sure my boss is leaving. He hasn't made the announcement yet, but our offices are attached and I hear stuff. Plus, he has had closed door meetings over and over the last few weeks (more than he has the whole time I have worked there). His assistant started acting all upset after her closed door meeting with him. Her position is the most vulnerable to change (CEO's executive assistant). I am a little peeved I haven't been told yet. I am one of a handful of people who directly report to him.
The position he is (likely) taking is his dream job. Really, it is. He has been working for this his whole life. I am happy for him. The other part of me is totally worried though. A new CEO means change. Lots of change. My boss is - difficult - but I am learning a ton from him. I am sad that will end.
My husband is traveling all week.
I am taking Friday and Monday off, which is getting me to work today even though I don't feel like it. I have a couple meetings today, so I should get moving. I just want to go back to sleep!!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I'm scared
I am scared about my health. As I age, I feel like I am falling apart.
I recently had some emergency dental work done. I got a root canal. And a temporary crown put on last week. It fell off the next day. My dentist was closed Friday, so I have been sticking it back on with toothpaste (the internet suggested it - it still keeps falling off).
Then there is the mammogram follow-up. That is tomorrow. I get another mammogram and an ultrasound. I am SURE it is ok, but it has still been on my mind. Constantly.
I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a few months back. I was put on a diuretic. That didn't help. So, next I got a more serious blood pressure med. That worked, but all of the sudden, I was very dizzy all the time. My doctor suggested I cut them in half and halve the dosage. That seemed to be working ok. I hadn't checked my blood pressure in awhile, but I wasn't as dizzy.
This morning, I took my medicine and you know when you swallow wrong and it really hurts? That happened. My chest really hurt. I walked out of the kitchen towards the couch. Next thing I knew, I was laying with my knees on the floor and my head (with my glasses on and all) in the couch cushion. I was completely confused. I thought I had fallen asleep, but that didn't make sense because why would I fall asleep with my knees on the floor? I stood up and slowly realized I had fainted. Fainted. My husband came out of the bedroom and I was trying to explain what happened. He asked if that was the thump he heard. I said I guessed so.
It is so weird. I have never fainted. Then I got scared. What if I wasn't near the couch? I could have fallen down the stairs.
I have been taking it easy today, but I feel exhausted and crappy. I just want to feel better.
I will call my doctor in the morning re: the fainting, get my mammogram in the afternoon, and hopefully visit the dentist to get the crown re-cemented.
Tomorrow has to be a better day.
I recently had some emergency dental work done. I got a root canal. And a temporary crown put on last week. It fell off the next day. My dentist was closed Friday, so I have been sticking it back on with toothpaste (the internet suggested it - it still keeps falling off).
Then there is the mammogram follow-up. That is tomorrow. I get another mammogram and an ultrasound. I am SURE it is ok, but it has still been on my mind. Constantly.
I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a few months back. I was put on a diuretic. That didn't help. So, next I got a more serious blood pressure med. That worked, but all of the sudden, I was very dizzy all the time. My doctor suggested I cut them in half and halve the dosage. That seemed to be working ok. I hadn't checked my blood pressure in awhile, but I wasn't as dizzy.
This morning, I took my medicine and you know when you swallow wrong and it really hurts? That happened. My chest really hurt. I walked out of the kitchen towards the couch. Next thing I knew, I was laying with my knees on the floor and my head (with my glasses on and all) in the couch cushion. I was completely confused. I thought I had fallen asleep, but that didn't make sense because why would I fall asleep with my knees on the floor? I stood up and slowly realized I had fainted. Fainted. My husband came out of the bedroom and I was trying to explain what happened. He asked if that was the thump he heard. I said I guessed so.
It is so weird. I have never fainted. Then I got scared. What if I wasn't near the couch? I could have fallen down the stairs.
I have been taking it easy today, but I feel exhausted and crappy. I just want to feel better.
I will call my doctor in the morning re: the fainting, get my mammogram in the afternoon, and hopefully visit the dentist to get the crown re-cemented.
Tomorrow has to be a better day.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Is it summer yet?
These last few weeks of school are a killer. Every night there is something - either I need to get to a meeting, I have a work function, or there are 3,000 kid things to do. Tonight was David's 3rd grade chorus concert.
Wow. My 9 year old has become me.
I watched him up there, expecting to be all proud of his shining little face singing his heart out.
Not So Much.
After the first couple songs, my husband leaned over and said, "Why is he all red? Is he laughing?"
I nodded at him, while I tried to shoot daggers with my eyes in David's general direction. I watched helplessly from the audience as he and his little neighbor took turns fake punching each other and cracking up every time. His friend Josh, whose mother happens to be one of my close friends, was in front of him. He spent most of the time looking back at David and making jokes, which David thought was hilarious. The music teacher reprimanded them between songs. It didn't help.
After the concert, Josh's mother and I looked at each other and just shook our heads. My friend's father in law said, "You guys certainly aren't getting any mothers of the year awards."
I can't help but think back to when I was in chorus, and band, and how I behaved. He isn't so far off the mark - I was constantly trying to get my peers approval as well. I just don't remember doing it so YOUNG.
Wow. My 9 year old has become me.
I watched him up there, expecting to be all proud of his shining little face singing his heart out.
Not So Much.
After the first couple songs, my husband leaned over and said, "Why is he all red? Is he laughing?"
I nodded at him, while I tried to shoot daggers with my eyes in David's general direction. I watched helplessly from the audience as he and his little neighbor took turns fake punching each other and cracking up every time. His friend Josh, whose mother happens to be one of my close friends, was in front of him. He spent most of the time looking back at David and making jokes, which David thought was hilarious. The music teacher reprimanded them between songs. It didn't help.
After the concert, Josh's mother and I looked at each other and just shook our heads. My friend's father in law said, "You guys certainly aren't getting any mothers of the year awards."
I can't help but think back to when I was in chorus, and band, and how I behaved. He isn't so far off the mark - I was constantly trying to get my peers approval as well. I just don't remember doing it so YOUNG.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Golf is done for another year..........
The tournament went well. It was a beautiful day, my volunteers kicked ass, and everyone had fun. The food was good, the sponsors were happy, and we netted somewhere between $8500 - $12,000. I will have the final numbers tomorrow.
I need to be proud of myself and acknowledge when things go well. In my head, I am thinking of all the things that could have been better, and the things I think went poorly. But, you know what? It went well. I need to acknowledge that. I am organized and run things well.
So, I am sitting here thinking of my next huge tasks. Lol I have to start planning for next year's winter gala, and really get working on our annual campaign in the fall. I will give myself the evening to feel ok about what I accomplished though. :)
I need to be proud of myself and acknowledge when things go well. In my head, I am thinking of all the things that could have been better, and the things I think went poorly. But, you know what? It went well. I need to acknowledge that. I am organized and run things well.
So, I am sitting here thinking of my next huge tasks. Lol I have to start planning for next year's winter gala, and really get working on our annual campaign in the fall. I will give myself the evening to feel ok about what I accomplished though. :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Golf tomorrow....
I have my golf tournament tomorrow, and I hope it goes well.
It makes me nervous, worrying about what could go wrong, what might go wrong, that we might not make any more money, that it may rain, that I am going to forget something important.
Then I think, in 26 hours, it will be all done. For better or worse. I've worked really hard, and if something goes wrong, I will deal with it. It isn't my life - it is a job - a paycheck.
I had my first mammogram a couple weeks ago. They called back last week and I have to go in for a more detailed mammogram and an ultrasound. Apparently, this is pretty normal, but it still freaks me out. I immediately go to the worst case scenario. I am very sure I will be ok, and there is nothing to worry about.
I am going to watch some tv, and go to sleep. And tomorrow I will be golf tournament planner extraordinaire.
It makes me nervous, worrying about what could go wrong, what might go wrong, that we might not make any more money, that it may rain, that I am going to forget something important.
Then I think, in 26 hours, it will be all done. For better or worse. I've worked really hard, and if something goes wrong, I will deal with it. It isn't my life - it is a job - a paycheck.
I had my first mammogram a couple weeks ago. They called back last week and I have to go in for a more detailed mammogram and an ultrasound. Apparently, this is pretty normal, but it still freaks me out. I immediately go to the worst case scenario. I am very sure I will be ok, and there is nothing to worry about.
I am going to watch some tv, and go to sleep. And tomorrow I will be golf tournament planner extraordinaire.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Better Day
Still have lots to do, and thus lots to worry about, but I am feeling more upbeat about it. Went to a meeting tonight, and then to David's transition night for the 4/5 building, and am finally home after leaving the house at 6 AM. I am exhausted, but more centered.
I am going to try hard to get to the 7:30 AM meeting tomorrow. I always do feel better when I go, and share, and help others. I don't know why - but it helps.
I am going to try hard to get to the 7:30 AM meeting tomorrow. I always do feel better when I go, and share, and help others. I don't know why - but it helps.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
So very overwhelmed
but, my sponsor tells me I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I spent some time with her today, sniffling back tears as we discussed my sobriety.
I am happy to be sober, really I am. But, I hate feeling so goddamned sad all the time. I hate feeling the feelings that surface all day long. I wanted to drink yesterday. I wanted to drink so bad - so I could not feel the worry about my golf tournament that is going on next week. So I wouldn't have to feel like a failure because my job - fundraising - is going about as well as anyone would expect it to be in the worst economy since the great depression.
When I walked into work this morning, our assistant handed me a check for $25,000. She thought (bless her heart), that it would make me happy. Instead, I said, "That's IT?"
This check represents a grant that I requested - and it is only 1/6 of what we need for the project. The foundation it is from has recently given over 1 million dollars to a local charity. $150 K is within their means, and it honestly feels like a snub.
My boss came in and I gave him the news. His response was (with the exact same tone and pitch that I used), "That's IT?"
He is pissed. Add that to the less than stellar sponsorship amount I have recruited for the golf tournament, and I feel like a big failure. I actually said today, in a joking way, "I'm beginning to feel like I am not very good at this job." He said, "Yeah, me too." Then he laughed and said he was kidding. Only, it doesn't feel like he was kidding.
My sponsor says he was put in my life for a reason. If I was chugging along doing great and never feeling any discomfort, I wouldn't have to do "the work." The work to fill that hole inside of me from the inside. I have tried filling it with external stuff - food, sex, alcohol, etc. That doesn't work. I know that. But, it sure is easier than taking a good, hard look at myself recognizing the causes and conditions of my alcoholism.
Us alcoholics always look for the easier, softer way. It is time for me to buck up and do the work.
I need more meetings I was told today. By two alcoholics.
When my sponsor and I went to the meeting after we talked, we read from the Big Book - a story from the back. It talked about the exact same thing we had been discussing. We looked at each other and laughed. That always happens. I need to open up and fucking listen more.
I spent some time with her today, sniffling back tears as we discussed my sobriety.
I am happy to be sober, really I am. But, I hate feeling so goddamned sad all the time. I hate feeling the feelings that surface all day long. I wanted to drink yesterday. I wanted to drink so bad - so I could not feel the worry about my golf tournament that is going on next week. So I wouldn't have to feel like a failure because my job - fundraising - is going about as well as anyone would expect it to be in the worst economy since the great depression.
When I walked into work this morning, our assistant handed me a check for $25,000. She thought (bless her heart), that it would make me happy. Instead, I said, "That's IT?"
This check represents a grant that I requested - and it is only 1/6 of what we need for the project. The foundation it is from has recently given over 1 million dollars to a local charity. $150 K is within their means, and it honestly feels like a snub.
My boss came in and I gave him the news. His response was (with the exact same tone and pitch that I used), "That's IT?"
He is pissed. Add that to the less than stellar sponsorship amount I have recruited for the golf tournament, and I feel like a big failure. I actually said today, in a joking way, "I'm beginning to feel like I am not very good at this job." He said, "Yeah, me too." Then he laughed and said he was kidding. Only, it doesn't feel like he was kidding.
My sponsor says he was put in my life for a reason. If I was chugging along doing great and never feeling any discomfort, I wouldn't have to do "the work." The work to fill that hole inside of me from the inside. I have tried filling it with external stuff - food, sex, alcohol, etc. That doesn't work. I know that. But, it sure is easier than taking a good, hard look at myself recognizing the causes and conditions of my alcoholism.
Us alcoholics always look for the easier, softer way. It is time for me to buck up and do the work.
I need more meetings I was told today. By two alcoholics.
When my sponsor and I went to the meeting after we talked, we read from the Big Book - a story from the back. It talked about the exact same thing we had been discussing. We looked at each other and laughed. That always happens. I need to open up and fucking listen more.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
When I am disturbed it is always about me.......
When I am disturbed it is always about me. When I am disturbed it is always about me.
I hear that a lot in AA. I hear about identifying my part in things (resentments, arguments, etc.). That is a hard thing for anyone to do, I think. I feel like I grew up blaming others for things - and being rightfully angry about things. Anger and resentment were often worn as a badge. I would tell my friends, or family, or co-workers, or whoever would listen, with real outrage a story about what someone else did to me, about me, etc. and would feel satisfaction when they would concur that the person I was discussing was an asshole.
I try not to do that anymore. I fail, miserably, a lot, but I also can identify when I am doing it, and spend some time thinking about my part in disagreements. It is uncomfortable, as any time you hold up a mirror to yourself is, but it is making me a better person. A more honest person, a more empathetic person, and a more sincere person.
I am sitting here fuming because my husband has not gone outside to mow/rake the lawn yet. It is 10 AM, it looks like it is going to rain, and he has just spent the last two hours that he could have been outside sitting by his computer.
Instead of mentioning that the jungle that is our lawn is not going to mow itself (and I am truly embarrassed by the mess that it is right now - our neighbors are likely talking about us), I am sitting here bottling it up inside and thinking there is no reason for him to be schlepping the laundry around.
I finally broke down and said "Why don't you leave that for me and you go outside and do the lawn?" He dropped it and walked outside, angry.
So, what is my part? I am able bodied. I could do the outside stuff but I just don't wanna. My husband likely feels angry that I am expecting him to do it all outside while I slept late. He worked all week, commuted 2 hours each day, and helped take the kids to their activities in the evenings.
I need to be more understanding.
I hear that a lot in AA. I hear about identifying my part in things (resentments, arguments, etc.). That is a hard thing for anyone to do, I think. I feel like I grew up blaming others for things - and being rightfully angry about things. Anger and resentment were often worn as a badge. I would tell my friends, or family, or co-workers, or whoever would listen, with real outrage a story about what someone else did to me, about me, etc. and would feel satisfaction when they would concur that the person I was discussing was an asshole.
I try not to do that anymore. I fail, miserably, a lot, but I also can identify when I am doing it, and spend some time thinking about my part in disagreements. It is uncomfortable, as any time you hold up a mirror to yourself is, but it is making me a better person. A more honest person, a more empathetic person, and a more sincere person.
I am sitting here fuming because my husband has not gone outside to mow/rake the lawn yet. It is 10 AM, it looks like it is going to rain, and he has just spent the last two hours that he could have been outside sitting by his computer.
Instead of mentioning that the jungle that is our lawn is not going to mow itself (and I am truly embarrassed by the mess that it is right now - our neighbors are likely talking about us), I am sitting here bottling it up inside and thinking there is no reason for him to be schlepping the laundry around.
I finally broke down and said "Why don't you leave that for me and you go outside and do the lawn?" He dropped it and walked outside, angry.
So, what is my part? I am able bodied. I could do the outside stuff but I just don't wanna. My husband likely feels angry that I am expecting him to do it all outside while I slept late. He worked all week, commuted 2 hours each day, and helped take the kids to their activities in the evenings.
I need to be more understanding.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sick
Being sick sucks.
I have a minor case of the flu I think. I have some tummy issues, I am exhausted, my head is pounding, I have a slight fever, and I am achey. And, I am supposed to go to Springsteen tomorrow and then to NYC with my husband for a long weekend.
I had a meeting at work this AM, and went in yesterday for a few hours to prepare. I also went in for the 7 AM meeting today. But, now I am home, in my jammies, advil-ed up, and ready to rest all day. And night. I might even miss my home group meeting in the hopes of feeling better for tomorrow.
Part of my problem when I am sick is I usually don't stop completely. I do the things that I deem HAVE to be done (like this AM's meeting). My colleague reminded me yesterday I could cancel the meeting, but that wasn't acceptable to me. I did what I had to, and now I can relax for the day (except for a few phone calls and I might write a grant).
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new dentist. Besides my general sicky-ness, I have a toothache. I had a filling replaced last week, and felt that I really wanted to change dentists (long story). So, I handled that.
I will go to work tomorrow, go to the dentist, go back to work for awhile, go home and pack up for myself and the kids (they are staying at my parents), and then my husband and I are going to Albany, checking into our hotel, and then going to see SPRINGSTEEN!
I have a minor case of the flu I think. I have some tummy issues, I am exhausted, my head is pounding, I have a slight fever, and I am achey. And, I am supposed to go to Springsteen tomorrow and then to NYC with my husband for a long weekend.
I had a meeting at work this AM, and went in yesterday for a few hours to prepare. I also went in for the 7 AM meeting today. But, now I am home, in my jammies, advil-ed up, and ready to rest all day. And night. I might even miss my home group meeting in the hopes of feeling better for tomorrow.
Part of my problem when I am sick is I usually don't stop completely. I do the things that I deem HAVE to be done (like this AM's meeting). My colleague reminded me yesterday I could cancel the meeting, but that wasn't acceptable to me. I did what I had to, and now I can relax for the day (except for a few phone calls and I might write a grant).
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new dentist. Besides my general sicky-ness, I have a toothache. I had a filling replaced last week, and felt that I really wanted to change dentists (long story). So, I handled that.
I will go to work tomorrow, go to the dentist, go back to work for awhile, go home and pack up for myself and the kids (they are staying at my parents), and then my husband and I are going to Albany, checking into our hotel, and then going to see SPRINGSTEEN!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Kids
are so cute. And so crazy.
My son had his first lacrosse game today, which actually turned out to be a lacrosse tournament. After much confusion (no-one seemed to know who was playing where, or when), they got started. We had a whole cheering section, including 4 gradparents, an aunt, two parents, and a sibling.
It was fun. And hot. I ended up having to leave before the second game, as my 4 year old got extremely cranky and threw a bottle of gatorade at me. So, she had to be punished and her punishment was to leave. I am now home, she is out of the bath (man, she got filthy!) and is lying in bed watching tv. She is completely exhausted. We went out to dinner last night, then minature golfing, then out for ice cream, and she was up at 5 AM this morning. Then, she spent 3/12 hours running in the heat with her friends at the fields. So, she is wiped. So am I actually.
I am getting ready to get spaghetti and meatballs and salad and garlic bread ready for dinner. I am so pleased we are having a nice weekend. Back when I was drinking, this stuff wouldn't have been possible. I was more isolated - I wouldn't have wanted to chat with the other mothers and fathers at the game. I wouldn't have felt comfortable in my skin. I would have been waiting until I could get home and drink.
Tomorrow we are going out to brunch with like 25 people for Mother's Day! My mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, my sister, and my husband's entire extended family. It should be interesting. I told my husband all I wanted for Mother's Day was him to do the shopping for everyone else's gifts. :)
Well, off to cook and clean up the kitchen!
My son had his first lacrosse game today, which actually turned out to be a lacrosse tournament. After much confusion (no-one seemed to know who was playing where, or when), they got started. We had a whole cheering section, including 4 gradparents, an aunt, two parents, and a sibling.
It was fun. And hot. I ended up having to leave before the second game, as my 4 year old got extremely cranky and threw a bottle of gatorade at me. So, she had to be punished and her punishment was to leave. I am now home, she is out of the bath (man, she got filthy!) and is lying in bed watching tv. She is completely exhausted. We went out to dinner last night, then minature golfing, then out for ice cream, and she was up at 5 AM this morning. Then, she spent 3/12 hours running in the heat with her friends at the fields. So, she is wiped. So am I actually.
I am getting ready to get spaghetti and meatballs and salad and garlic bread ready for dinner. I am so pleased we are having a nice weekend. Back when I was drinking, this stuff wouldn't have been possible. I was more isolated - I wouldn't have wanted to chat with the other mothers and fathers at the game. I wouldn't have felt comfortable in my skin. I would have been waiting until I could get home and drink.
Tomorrow we are going out to brunch with like 25 people for Mother's Day! My mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, my sister, and my husband's entire extended family. It should be interesting. I told my husband all I wanted for Mother's Day was him to do the shopping for everyone else's gifts. :)
Well, off to cook and clean up the kitchen!
Hockey
I am trying to decide if buying season tickets to our new AHL Hockey team is a good idea or a bad idea.
If you know me, you know I am not a big sports fan.
You also know that I don't particularly like hockey.
So, what is it that is making me feel this compulsion to spend a ton of money in order to spend two nights a week for six months in an ice rink with screaming fans?
I wish I knew. My husband looked at me like I had six heads when I suggested buying tickets. My father laughed. My boss said I was nuts.
My parents (mom and dad - pre-divorce) had season tickets for years to our old AHL team when we were young. They had seats near our family friends, and going to the hockey games was always a fun experience. I remember running around the venue, with my friends, and just feeling like the world was right. I remember my parents going out many Wednesday and Saturday nights - with my sister and I staying home with a babysitter. I enjoyed that as a child - I felt safe. My parents were out together, having fun, and we were home having fun with a sitter. I loved it.
So, I am sure there is some nostalgia at work here. Have I mentioned that a few years ago my husband and I almost bought a motel? We have absolutely no desire to own a motel, but guess who did own one when we were growing up?
You would think that from a psychological standpoint, I would attempt to do things as differently from my biological parents as I could. I mean, they had one of the ugliest divorces on record and actually couldn't even speak to each other civilly for almost 20 years afterwords. (They now do, Thank God).
However, I am instead attempting to emmulate their failed marriage in many ways. What the hell is that about?
In any case, I still want tickets. I even want them in the same section. Here are my reasons for wanting them:
1.) Automatic date nights with my husband. We are so very busy, and this would force us to take some time for fun and time away from the kids.
2.) Fun family nights. We would only buy 2 season tickets, but we can buy tickets for the kids on certain weekend nights as well and have family time. Especially nice through the long winter - it would be nice to have something to do.
3.) Ability for my husband and I to do things with our friends. If we have season tickets, and one of us does not want to/can't go a certain night, we could go with friends. Or, one of us could bring our son.
4.) Networking and career development. Apparently, this is one of the largest things to happen in this small town in years. A lot of people I need to know for and from work will have tickets. A good way to stay in contact with people - in a social way (very good for fundraising!) I need to be out in the community more.
5.) Maybe I will like hockey more as an adult???
And, the cons:
1.) $$$$$$ this is not a cheap undertaking
2.) The feeling of "having" to go to get our $$$ worth.
3.) We could be too busy for this! Husband travels. I work evenings a lot.
4.) Having to pay a babysitter a lot more.
If you know me, you know I am not a big sports fan.
You also know that I don't particularly like hockey.
So, what is it that is making me feel this compulsion to spend a ton of money in order to spend two nights a week for six months in an ice rink with screaming fans?
I wish I knew. My husband looked at me like I had six heads when I suggested buying tickets. My father laughed. My boss said I was nuts.
My parents (mom and dad - pre-divorce) had season tickets for years to our old AHL team when we were young. They had seats near our family friends, and going to the hockey games was always a fun experience. I remember running around the venue, with my friends, and just feeling like the world was right. I remember my parents going out many Wednesday and Saturday nights - with my sister and I staying home with a babysitter. I enjoyed that as a child - I felt safe. My parents were out together, having fun, and we were home having fun with a sitter. I loved it.
So, I am sure there is some nostalgia at work here. Have I mentioned that a few years ago my husband and I almost bought a motel? We have absolutely no desire to own a motel, but guess who did own one when we were growing up?
You would think that from a psychological standpoint, I would attempt to do things as differently from my biological parents as I could. I mean, they had one of the ugliest divorces on record and actually couldn't even speak to each other civilly for almost 20 years afterwords. (They now do, Thank God).
However, I am instead attempting to emmulate their failed marriage in many ways. What the hell is that about?
In any case, I still want tickets. I even want them in the same section. Here are my reasons for wanting them:
1.) Automatic date nights with my husband. We are so very busy, and this would force us to take some time for fun and time away from the kids.
2.) Fun family nights. We would only buy 2 season tickets, but we can buy tickets for the kids on certain weekend nights as well and have family time. Especially nice through the long winter - it would be nice to have something to do.
3.) Ability for my husband and I to do things with our friends. If we have season tickets, and one of us does not want to/can't go a certain night, we could go with friends. Or, one of us could bring our son.
4.) Networking and career development. Apparently, this is one of the largest things to happen in this small town in years. A lot of people I need to know for and from work will have tickets. A good way to stay in contact with people - in a social way (very good for fundraising!) I need to be out in the community more.
5.) Maybe I will like hockey more as an adult???
And, the cons:
1.) $$$$$$ this is not a cheap undertaking
2.) The feeling of "having" to go to get our $$$ worth.
3.) We could be too busy for this! Husband travels. I work evenings a lot.
4.) Having to pay a babysitter a lot more.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Mobile blogging is pretty cool. I am at the dentist (in the waiting room). This morning was rough. I am tired and I have a very full day. I have a ton to do at work, two appointments (dentist and doctor), and an evening 4 hour cpr training. I won't be home until 10:30. I will get through it and really enjoy sleeping in on saturday!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Springsteen
I love Springsteen. Next week my husband and I are going to see him in Albany. I am super excited about it.
While I am looking forward to it, I also can't help but think of the last time we saw him. It was November 2007. It was maybe 3 weeks before I got sober. My husband and I and our friends J & A had gotten tickets together to see him in Albany. We had gone together a few years back to see him at the Meadowlands and had a ball - tailgating with lots of beer.
This show didn't turn out so well. My friend J had surgery the day before the show and couldn't go. So, A brought their son. I had a couple of beers before we left and brought one for the road (I always used to do that - the husband would drive and I would drink in the passenger seat). I was being super responsible in my mind because I only brought one - not a six pack - to drink in the car since my friend's son was with us. I had some sort-of twisted logic that one beer for the road wasn't an issue - it was just a little badass and naughty - not indicative of a real problem.
Once we got there, I didn't buy any beer. I didn't want to be the only one drinking. A wasn't drinking since he son was there, and my husband doesn't drink plus he was driving.
When we arrived home several hours later, I couldn't sleep. I knew it was because I wasn't drunk. Most nights I just passed out. I hadn't had enough t pass out (hell, I hadn't had enough to be buzzed). It was too late to keep drinking so I tried to sleep. I remember sobbing in my bed because I was so hopelessly addicted to alcohol. I couldn't even sleep without it.
I asked my husband, at like 3 AM, if he thought I was an alcoholic. He said he didn't know.
The next day I resumed my regular intake - starting to drink as soon as my son got off the school bus and I felt much more normal.
Thank God that is not my normal anymore. I am not a slave to it. I don't need it to feel normal.
And, my husband and I are going to have the best time! After Springsteen we are staying over in Albany. Then, we are going to NYC for the weekend. We are using his hotel points from all his travel for work. We are going to wander around the city and sleep late eat when what we want when we want (but cheaply - I have deemed it will be a cheap weekend so I am looking up all cheap things to do in the city). And, I will not be drunk for one minute of it!!!
While I am looking forward to it, I also can't help but think of the last time we saw him. It was November 2007. It was maybe 3 weeks before I got sober. My husband and I and our friends J & A had gotten tickets together to see him in Albany. We had gone together a few years back to see him at the Meadowlands and had a ball - tailgating with lots of beer.
This show didn't turn out so well. My friend J had surgery the day before the show and couldn't go. So, A brought their son. I had a couple of beers before we left and brought one for the road (I always used to do that - the husband would drive and I would drink in the passenger seat). I was being super responsible in my mind because I only brought one - not a six pack - to drink in the car since my friend's son was with us. I had some sort-of twisted logic that one beer for the road wasn't an issue - it was just a little badass and naughty - not indicative of a real problem.
Once we got there, I didn't buy any beer. I didn't want to be the only one drinking. A wasn't drinking since he son was there, and my husband doesn't drink plus he was driving.
When we arrived home several hours later, I couldn't sleep. I knew it was because I wasn't drunk. Most nights I just passed out. I hadn't had enough t pass out (hell, I hadn't had enough to be buzzed). It was too late to keep drinking so I tried to sleep. I remember sobbing in my bed because I was so hopelessly addicted to alcohol. I couldn't even sleep without it.
I asked my husband, at like 3 AM, if he thought I was an alcoholic. He said he didn't know.
The next day I resumed my regular intake - starting to drink as soon as my son got off the school bus and I felt much more normal.
Thank God that is not my normal anymore. I am not a slave to it. I don't need it to feel normal.
And, my husband and I are going to have the best time! After Springsteen we are staying over in Albany. Then, we are going to NYC for the weekend. We are using his hotel points from all his travel for work. We are going to wander around the city and sleep late eat when what we want when we want (but cheaply - I have deemed it will be a cheap weekend so I am looking up all cheap things to do in the city). And, I will not be drunk for one minute of it!!!
It's morning
and I don't want to go to work.
Part of it is I feel exceptionally tired, but part of it is I just don't wanna.
The drunk me would have called in sick. I would have rationalized why I should take a sick day (I am tired, I have been working lots of hours, my husband has been out of town for 5 nights, I took over an event last week that wasn't my responsibility and made it work - the list goes on and on.....)
The sober me is getting ready, getting the kids ready, and getting there. I am doing the next right thing, and in this case, the next right thing is getting my butt in gear for another day. Even though I am tired, and a bit cranky, and the kids are fighting.
I have a list of things I need to do at work, and I will start it this morning. I know I won't finish it, but I will start - and that is what matters.
Part of it is I feel exceptionally tired, but part of it is I just don't wanna.
The drunk me would have called in sick. I would have rationalized why I should take a sick day (I am tired, I have been working lots of hours, my husband has been out of town for 5 nights, I took over an event last week that wasn't my responsibility and made it work - the list goes on and on.....)
The sober me is getting ready, getting the kids ready, and getting there. I am doing the next right thing, and in this case, the next right thing is getting my butt in gear for another day. Even though I am tired, and a bit cranky, and the kids are fighting.
I have a list of things I need to do at work, and I will start it this morning. I know I won't finish it, but I will start - and that is what matters.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Hey! It worked!
I just blogged from my phone. That is really cool.
This is the time of day I love. Kids are fed, in their jammies, and doing their own thing (David is playing his DS, Becca is listening to her ipod). I have done all I am going to do in terms of dishes and laundry. There is always more, but I have deemed myself finished for the day. I left work at a decent hour (4:15! I almost never leave that early), and don't have anything I have to do for work tonight.
I am on the heating pad (for my back - I tweaked it a couple months ago and the chiro suggests periodic heat therapy), I have my seltzer water, and the DVR is all fired up for House and Intervention.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do. I have work I love, and that challenges me. I have a support network. I have a loving husband and healthy kids.
Life is good. And, I am pretty sure it wouldn't be so good if I was still drinking. Thank God I stopped and found AA.
This is the time of day I love. Kids are fed, in their jammies, and doing their own thing (David is playing his DS, Becca is listening to her ipod). I have done all I am going to do in terms of dishes and laundry. There is always more, but I have deemed myself finished for the day. I left work at a decent hour (4:15! I almost never leave that early), and don't have anything I have to do for work tonight.
I am on the heating pad (for my back - I tweaked it a couple months ago and the chiro suggests periodic heat therapy), I have my seltzer water, and the DVR is all fired up for House and Intervention.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do. I have work I love, and that challenges me. I have a support network. I have a loving husband and healthy kids.
Life is good. And, I am pretty sure it wouldn't be so good if I was still drinking. Thank God I stopped and found AA.
Let's try this again
I officially suck at blogging.
So, I think I will try and blog more regularly. I have to say that it won't all be about alcoholism. Maybe I'll talk about my kids, or work, or funny stuff that happens. I'm going to make an attempt at least.....
So, I think I will try and blog more regularly. I have to say that it won't all be about alcoholism. Maybe I'll talk about my kids, or work, or funny stuff that happens. I'm going to make an attempt at least.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Today's Gratitude List
I had a really cruddy day. There is this jerk at work and we had a disagreement today (when we have a disagreement, he talks to me like he is my father and I am 12 years old and a complete idiot. I don't much like that.) I have a very hard time dealing with him. But, I can't control him. I can only control my response.
I also realized that I need a sitter a bunch next week (including for a 7:30 AM meeting one day) since my husband is out of town and I have a lot going on at work. My dad and stepmom are usually my go-to guys (and I appreciate it), with my mom filling in the blanks. However, my dad and I are having a disagreement about my children (basically, he feels that leaving my children with my mentally ill sister at is perfectly fine. I do not. Sheil will back me up on this one! I have told him if he can't guarantee me he won't leave them with her, I can't have them babysit.) My dad refuses to say he will not leave them with her, so I cannot rely on his help. Therefore, I need to make alternate plans. That always stresses me out. My mom has agreed to help, but she isn't happy about it. My husband can cut his trip short. It will work out. Because I can't control him. I can only control my response.
I also messed up something at work. It is actually a pretty small thing, but it was absolutely my error. The woman who it affected (and believe me, if I told you the story, you would laugh - in a nutshell, she is upset because the letter I sent her was addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Lastname instead of Mr. and Mrs. Lastname. Really. I called her husband a Doctor by mistake and it threw her into a tailspin). She yelled at me for 120 seconds on my voicemail (that is a really long time when sometime is telling you what a jerk you are). Basically, she blew a gasket. I actually wondered if I was being punk'd at one point. I wasn't. She was really pissed. In any case, I wrote her a letter apologizing, reissued the mistaken letter, and called to apologize as well (she wasn't home. I left a message. She will probably yell at my voicemail again tonight). I told my boss and explained how I dealt with it. And, I can't control her. I can only control my response. I did what I could to make my error right. There isn't anything else I can do,
But, I am home now. My husband and I are going to our meetings tonight. We have the girl across the street babysitting. And, even though it was a kind-of crazy day, I have things to be grateful for.
1.) My son and I watched Stand By Me together yesterday. Watching him enjoy a movie that I so loved when I was younger was really nice. Hearing his belly laugh at parts that always cracked me up made my heart swell.
2.) I am sober to deal with these issues. If I was drinking, I would not be able to think through them clearly. Don't get me wrong - I am still all crazy about these things - but it would certainly be worse if I was drinking.
3.) I am a really good crocheter! I am fast too. I have made a ton of things since I started, and I love all the yarn and everything.
4.) I have a job that uses my skills. And, most of the time, I feel like I am pretty good at it.
5.) The Real Housewives of New York starts again tonight. Come on, you knew one of my gratitude items had to do with trashy tv!
I also realized that I need a sitter a bunch next week (including for a 7:30 AM meeting one day) since my husband is out of town and I have a lot going on at work. My dad and stepmom are usually my go-to guys (and I appreciate it), with my mom filling in the blanks. However, my dad and I are having a disagreement about my children (basically, he feels that leaving my children with my mentally ill sister at is perfectly fine. I do not. Sheil will back me up on this one! I have told him if he can't guarantee me he won't leave them with her, I can't have them babysit.) My dad refuses to say he will not leave them with her, so I cannot rely on his help. Therefore, I need to make alternate plans. That always stresses me out. My mom has agreed to help, but she isn't happy about it. My husband can cut his trip short. It will work out. Because I can't control him. I can only control my response.
I also messed up something at work. It is actually a pretty small thing, but it was absolutely my error. The woman who it affected (and believe me, if I told you the story, you would laugh - in a nutshell, she is upset because the letter I sent her was addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Lastname instead of Mr. and Mrs. Lastname. Really. I called her husband a Doctor by mistake and it threw her into a tailspin). She yelled at me for 120 seconds on my voicemail (that is a really long time when sometime is telling you what a jerk you are). Basically, she blew a gasket. I actually wondered if I was being punk'd at one point. I wasn't. She was really pissed. In any case, I wrote her a letter apologizing, reissued the mistaken letter, and called to apologize as well (she wasn't home. I left a message. She will probably yell at my voicemail again tonight). I told my boss and explained how I dealt with it. And, I can't control her. I can only control my response. I did what I could to make my error right. There isn't anything else I can do,
But, I am home now. My husband and I are going to our meetings tonight. We have the girl across the street babysitting. And, even though it was a kind-of crazy day, I have things to be grateful for.
1.) My son and I watched Stand By Me together yesterday. Watching him enjoy a movie that I so loved when I was younger was really nice. Hearing his belly laugh at parts that always cracked me up made my heart swell.
2.) I am sober to deal with these issues. If I was drinking, I would not be able to think through them clearly. Don't get me wrong - I am still all crazy about these things - but it would certainly be worse if I was drinking.
3.) I am a really good crocheter! I am fast too. I have made a ton of things since I started, and I love all the yarn and everything.
4.) I have a job that uses my skills. And, most of the time, I feel like I am pretty good at it.
5.) The Real Housewives of New York starts again tonight. Come on, you knew one of my gratitude items had to do with trashy tv!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Open AA Meeting
My husband went with me to an open AA meeting tonight. He got to meet a couple of my AA buddies he hadn't met yet, and he was introduced to the craziness that you sometimes come across on the rooms.
He also saw a guy he had met in Al-anon (he goes to both Al-anon and AA) and they said hi and chatted a minute. I like that guy (former heroin user), so I have already decided he should be my husband's Al-anon sponsor. I don't have control issues or anything though.
My husband also saw a man he used to work with. He knew he went to AA, but he hadn't come across him at any meetings he had gone to. It was a little uncomfortable, but they chatted.
The topic was dealing with the unmanageability of the disease/and or your life. It was interesting.
I am going to try really hard to get to 3 meetings a week. I need to keep the program in the forefront. I need to remember how unmanageable my life was when I was drinking. I need to remember the desperation I felt. The disease tries to trick you - I know that.
A woman shared tonight about how sometimes when she sees things at the store that they have now that they didn't have when she was drinking, she is kind-of disappointed. I can totally relate to that. I was a Coors Light drinker. In the can. After I quit drinking, I started noticing those Coors Light mini keg things at the supermarket. I have often thought I wish they had had those when I was drinking. I would have loved that. I will never get to drink out of one of those. Oh well - as a friend of mine says, it is a small price to pay for freedom.
He also saw a guy he had met in Al-anon (he goes to both Al-anon and AA) and they said hi and chatted a minute. I like that guy (former heroin user), so I have already decided he should be my husband's Al-anon sponsor. I don't have control issues or anything though.
My husband also saw a man he used to work with. He knew he went to AA, but he hadn't come across him at any meetings he had gone to. It was a little uncomfortable, but they chatted.
The topic was dealing with the unmanageability of the disease/and or your life. It was interesting.
I am going to try really hard to get to 3 meetings a week. I need to keep the program in the forefront. I need to remember how unmanageable my life was when I was drinking. I need to remember the desperation I felt. The disease tries to trick you - I know that.
A woman shared tonight about how sometimes when she sees things at the store that they have now that they didn't have when she was drinking, she is kind-of disappointed. I can totally relate to that. I was a Coors Light drinker. In the can. After I quit drinking, I started noticing those Coors Light mini keg things at the supermarket. I have often thought I wish they had had those when I was drinking. I would have loved that. I will never get to drink out of one of those. Oh well - as a friend of mine says, it is a small price to pay for freedom.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The program is working
and I am not sure why, or how, or whatever but I can feel my responses to things changing. The same crap happens, but the way I react is different. It takes work and I know I am not anywhere near perfect at it (in fact I mess it up often), but I am trying. And, it helps.
It really helps.
That is amazing to me.
I had a big win at work recently (an event I planned went well). After, my girlfriends and I from work stayed together at the hotel and had a sleepover. We got pizza at midnight and the hotel food and beverage manager sent up several bottles of wine for us (and club soda for me because I asked him for it when he said he was sending up the wine). I didn't even want the wine. Not at all. It didn't bother me in the least to be there, watch them drink, and not drink. I was amazed by that the next day.
I also am trying to be healthier in my relationships with my extended family. I am trying to do what I can though - not change them or change our relationships necessarily - I am changing my reactions and my behavior. That is all I can control. And, it helps.
It really helps.
That is amazing to me.
I had a big win at work recently (an event I planned went well). After, my girlfriends and I from work stayed together at the hotel and had a sleepover. We got pizza at midnight and the hotel food and beverage manager sent up several bottles of wine for us (and club soda for me because I asked him for it when he said he was sending up the wine). I didn't even want the wine. Not at all. It didn't bother me in the least to be there, watch them drink, and not drink. I was amazed by that the next day.
I also am trying to be healthier in my relationships with my extended family. I am trying to do what I can though - not change them or change our relationships necessarily - I am changing my reactions and my behavior. That is all I can control. And, it helps.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Arghhhhhhhh
I am overwhelmed. Again.
This really, really sucks.
I just feel completely out of sorts. I am buried - absolutely buried - at work. And, the further behind I get, the less in control of everything else (including my sobriety) I feel.
I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't have started a job so soon. Maybe I am too new in sobriety - in an essentially new life - to throw this monkey wrench into the plan. I started out doing great there. Impressing everyone and stuff. Fitting in like I was there forever. A woman I work with mentioned today that I haven't looked happy in awhile. That is not good. I can't even keep up the act that everything is fine to casual co-workers.
Now I feel like it is all slipping away. I feel like I can't do it all and keep my sanity. I have wanted to cry all day today. And, I don't know why. Is it the pressure? The challenge? The stress?
Part of me just wishes I could start sobbing and let it all out. Holding it in all the time really hurts. I don't remember the last time I really cried. I am not a big crier. I haven't been in years and years. I don't even remember crying when my parents got divorced. I was very matter of fact about the whole thing. I always thought that was good. I am realizing now it was not good. In fact, in can be pretty damn bad to keep stuffing feelings away. Eventually they just don't stuff anymore.
Put one foot in front of the other. Just keep going. One day - one hour - at a time. I can do it. But, it just sucks.
My sponsor points out that I have a lot - a real lot - on my plate. I have a very sick sister, an extended family that doesn't have any idea how to deal with it, two children, a demanding new-ish job, I am a newcomer to sobriety, and I am trying to juggle it all.
It just hurts.
This really, really sucks.
I just feel completely out of sorts. I am buried - absolutely buried - at work. And, the further behind I get, the less in control of everything else (including my sobriety) I feel.
I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't have started a job so soon. Maybe I am too new in sobriety - in an essentially new life - to throw this monkey wrench into the plan. I started out doing great there. Impressing everyone and stuff. Fitting in like I was there forever. A woman I work with mentioned today that I haven't looked happy in awhile. That is not good. I can't even keep up the act that everything is fine to casual co-workers.
Now I feel like it is all slipping away. I feel like I can't do it all and keep my sanity. I have wanted to cry all day today. And, I don't know why. Is it the pressure? The challenge? The stress?
Part of me just wishes I could start sobbing and let it all out. Holding it in all the time really hurts. I don't remember the last time I really cried. I am not a big crier. I haven't been in years and years. I don't even remember crying when my parents got divorced. I was very matter of fact about the whole thing. I always thought that was good. I am realizing now it was not good. In fact, in can be pretty damn bad to keep stuffing feelings away. Eventually they just don't stuff anymore.
Put one foot in front of the other. Just keep going. One day - one hour - at a time. I can do it. But, it just sucks.
My sponsor points out that I have a lot - a real lot - on my plate. I have a very sick sister, an extended family that doesn't have any idea how to deal with it, two children, a demanding new-ish job, I am a newcomer to sobriety, and I am trying to juggle it all.
It just hurts.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Al-anon
Since I entered recovery, I have often mentioned al-anon to my husband and suggested that he might want to attend. He always says he would like to. There is a meeting at the same time and in the same building as a meeting I like to go to (and I actually might switch to it as my home group - for several reasons), and we recently decided that we should get a sitter on Tuesday nights so we can both go to meetings.
I think it would be good because he could work a program - learn about the principles and the steps, etc. I think it would be helpful for him. I want him to get the support I feel, and the love and the acceptance. I want that for him.
Yet, part of me is terrified about him going. This is purely ego, and purely my own selfishness and craziness. I am afraid he will find out that I am a terrible person. That he and the other members will sit around sharing war stories about "their alcoholics" and our terrible behavior. That he needs to go get help because of me. That all the older women will listen to him, and tell him he is such a good man for putting up with my bullshit for all these years.
I am pretty sure that isn't how it works (at least that is what I read and I have heard), but I can't stop thinking about it is going to affect me. How selfish is that?
I think it would be good because he could work a program - learn about the principles and the steps, etc. I think it would be helpful for him. I want him to get the support I feel, and the love and the acceptance. I want that for him.
Yet, part of me is terrified about him going. This is purely ego, and purely my own selfishness and craziness. I am afraid he will find out that I am a terrible person. That he and the other members will sit around sharing war stories about "their alcoholics" and our terrible behavior. That he needs to go get help because of me. That all the older women will listen to him, and tell him he is such a good man for putting up with my bullshit for all these years.
I am pretty sure that isn't how it works (at least that is what I read and I have heard), but I can't stop thinking about it is going to affect me. How selfish is that?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)