I feel like a crazy woman today. I have been yelling at my son since we got home, and he is yelling back at me. I feel myself losing control, and it makes me want to scream. Parenting an 8 year old - an 8 year old who is willful and very much like yourself with a fiery temper - is hard.
I just want 5 minutes of peace and quiet. 5 Minutes. Is that too much to ask? I get home from work, feed the kids, ship stuff for my business (basically a second job), get the kids cleaned up, fold laundry, do dishes, make lunches, check homework, etc, etc, etc. All I want to do is shut my eyes and chill, but there is too much to do. Too much to do tonight, too much to do tomorrow at work, too much to do this weekend. There are Christmas lights all around our neighborhood. I haven't even figured out where we can fit the tree! I am so far behind at work. I am a bad housekeeper, an uncreative cook, and I spend far too much money. I just feel like a bad person. I know deep down that I am not, but that negative self talk just never stops.
I am overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed I want to drink. Not because I particularly like drinking, but because I want to forget, relax, shut off for awhile. It was like a complete shut off of my chattering head. I could drown out the insecurity and worry and stress with gallons of Coors Light. Eventually, I would forget all the crap and just be.
The ranting and raving makes me crazy. Crazy because it is alcoholic behavior. I
sound like a bad mother, a crazy woman, or even worse, my father circa 1987. I know it is bad behavior. I just don't know how to stop.
Well, I do know. I should have gone to a meeting tonight. I should have shut up and just gone. My husband is traveling for work (and will be every week until Christmas - which makes me even more overwhelmed - being essentially a single mother sucks), but I called my dad (and yelled at him too), but he said he would come over to watch the kids if I wanted. I declined. I should have said yes.
Tomorrow I am going to wake the kids up early, get them to daycare early, and go to my 7:30 AM meeting. I need to. For me, and for them. They deserve a calm and serene mother. Not a lunatic who feels sorry for herself.
3 comments:
Give me a call during the week when EL is gone. I'll bring over takeout. We'll hang a few lights. Or we won't. Whatever. I'll play with the kids while you chill in the other room. I'm glad you're going to your meetings, but know you have other outlets too. Use us.
I think you just described my day to a TEE! Thank you for your so-called "ranting and raving" because now I feel like less of a lunatic! I thought I was the only one that felt like a "crazy person" when things get overwhelming. I see that I'm not the only mother out there that feels this way. Thanks again :)
Hi,
My name is Deb, ....and.... yes... fill in the rest. I'm new to AA and recovery. I was a heavy drinker since the age of 12. I was referred to your blog by Robyn.
Nov. 18th is my sobriety date. What I went through to get to AA is even more overwhelming, however my surroundings, family, friends, LIFE is all based around alcohol.
In your post, the feeling of being overwhelmed, especially during the holidays with the 'gloomy days' and stress makes for a good cocktail hour sometimes------but what helps me is to think about how I feel afterward. I hate the hangovers and the way I feel even hours after I drank. The first "hour" (cocktail hour is always the best stress reliever...but it's the after hours that we have to think about.
You're an inspiration. I now developed (thank God) a fear of drinking. I thought drinking was good for the heart and made you live longer, until I attended one of these meetings that I now go to daily that made me see how many "casual" drinkers have died or came close to it.
Even being a bartender, it was hard to watch other people drink and be on the other side.
I don't do that any longer of course...
But, the meetings help me a lot and I am still new. I'm glad the fear of drinking kicked in, but sometimes when I get anxiety (which has lessened) I feel that urge, but quickly pray that it subsides.
You're in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you find peace & happiness this holiday season!
I am saving your blog in my favorites! :) This has helped a great deal. You're helping many people by being so open!
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