I have people who read my blog (I just noticed comments from a couple new people). That is so neat. Hi! I started this as a way to write out some feelings and to sort-of work things out in my head, and also to share some stuff with my friends who are not in recovery in any way (as I have struggled from the beginning with trying to explain things so my old friends - not in recovery - can understand.) I have kind-of used this blog as a place to just vent, and I have often felt weird for putting some of this out there (and a little uncomfortable). In fact, I thought about deleting it recently. But, since it seems ok, I will keep it up and also keep adding to it sometimes.
Christmas was a bit tough. Holidays can be rough. I went to several meetings (almost one every day) over the last week, though, and had some really great conversations with others in recovery, and that has really helped. It is amazing how sharing and talking with others can make you feel so much better. I really am amazed at how the program can work.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Grrrrrrrr........
I feel like a crazy woman today. I have been yelling at my son since we got home, and he is yelling back at me. I feel myself losing control, and it makes me want to scream. Parenting an 8 year old - an 8 year old who is willful and very much like yourself with a fiery temper - is hard.
I just want 5 minutes of peace and quiet. 5 Minutes. Is that too much to ask? I get home from work, feed the kids, ship stuff for my business (basically a second job), get the kids cleaned up, fold laundry, do dishes, make lunches, check homework, etc, etc, etc. All I want to do is shut my eyes and chill, but there is too much to do. Too much to do tonight, too much to do tomorrow at work, too much to do this weekend. There are Christmas lights all around our neighborhood. I haven't even figured out where we can fit the tree! I am so far behind at work. I am a bad housekeeper, an uncreative cook, and I spend far too much money. I just feel like a bad person. I know deep down that I am not, but that negative self talk just never stops.
I am overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed I want to drink. Not because I particularly like drinking, but because I want to forget, relax, shut off for awhile. It was like a complete shut off of my chattering head. I could drown out the insecurity and worry and stress with gallons of Coors Light. Eventually, I would forget all the crap and just be.
The ranting and raving makes me crazy. Crazy because it is alcoholic behavior. I
sound like a bad mother, a crazy woman, or even worse, my father circa 1987. I know it is bad behavior. I just don't know how to stop.
Well, I do know. I should have gone to a meeting tonight. I should have shut up and just gone. My husband is traveling for work (and will be every week until Christmas - which makes me even more overwhelmed - being essentially a single mother sucks), but I called my dad (and yelled at him too), but he said he would come over to watch the kids if I wanted. I declined. I should have said yes.
Tomorrow I am going to wake the kids up early, get them to daycare early, and go to my 7:30 AM meeting. I need to. For me, and for them. They deserve a calm and serene mother. Not a lunatic who feels sorry for herself.
I just want 5 minutes of peace and quiet. 5 Minutes. Is that too much to ask? I get home from work, feed the kids, ship stuff for my business (basically a second job), get the kids cleaned up, fold laundry, do dishes, make lunches, check homework, etc, etc, etc. All I want to do is shut my eyes and chill, but there is too much to do. Too much to do tonight, too much to do tomorrow at work, too much to do this weekend. There are Christmas lights all around our neighborhood. I haven't even figured out where we can fit the tree! I am so far behind at work. I am a bad housekeeper, an uncreative cook, and I spend far too much money. I just feel like a bad person. I know deep down that I am not, but that negative self talk just never stops.
I am overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed I want to drink. Not because I particularly like drinking, but because I want to forget, relax, shut off for awhile. It was like a complete shut off of my chattering head. I could drown out the insecurity and worry and stress with gallons of Coors Light. Eventually, I would forget all the crap and just be.
The ranting and raving makes me crazy. Crazy because it is alcoholic behavior. I
sound like a bad mother, a crazy woman, or even worse, my father circa 1987. I know it is bad behavior. I just don't know how to stop.
Well, I do know. I should have gone to a meeting tonight. I should have shut up and just gone. My husband is traveling for work (and will be every week until Christmas - which makes me even more overwhelmed - being essentially a single mother sucks), but I called my dad (and yelled at him too), but he said he would come over to watch the kids if I wanted. I declined. I should have said yes.
Tomorrow I am going to wake the kids up early, get them to daycare early, and go to my 7:30 AM meeting. I need to. For me, and for them. They deserve a calm and serene mother. Not a lunatic who feels sorry for herself.
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