My real test.....

Last night was what I would consider a huge test of my sobriety.

I had to go on a retreat for work. It involved the management team (18 of us) going into the woods, playing team building games, eating a few meals together, socializing at night, and then sleeping in cabins together.

When I first started at my job, I heard tales about last year's retreat. The stories involved large amounts of alcohol, people staying up until 4 AM, some totally inappropriate behavior, and just general craziness. Mind you, this is the type of craziness I would have been all over when I drank. I would have loved it.

When I heard a couple weeks ago that this year's retreat was October 9, I started worrying. How would I deal with all the alcohol? In AA, I often hear about not putting yourself in dangerous situations. And, in most cases, I can deal with that. I might put myself in a tricky situation (like going to a bar with co-workers), but I have my car and I can leave whenever I feel uncomfortable. If the smell of the alcohol affects me (and sometimes it does - not in a "Oh my God I have to have that" way, but it is disturbing), I can get out of the situation. I always have an out.

In this case, there really was no out. I couldn't leave - this is my job and I have to be a team player. I pondered over the various things I could do. I spoke about it at meetings, with my sponsor, and with other alcoholics. My sponsor was really much of the mindset that I should feign illness after the official stuff was done and go home (and then come back the next morning so as not to miss the important stuff). I didn't feel comfortable with that. I thought about just being honest with my boss - he knows I don't drink. He has never asked why, and I have never volunteered why. I could tell him I am an alcoholic, that the after party festivities would be too difficult for me to participate in, and that I would like to leave at night and come back in the morning. However, I nixed that idea. It didn't seem right.

I actually was really enjoying myself for the first part of the retreat. It was a beautiful day, my co-workers are actually pretty cool people, and we were relaxing and doing work stuff that was relatively fun. I enjoy being social, and this was very nice.

After dinner, people started breaking out the alcohol. I was ok while we were still inside finishing up some agenda items, but when we retired to the outside campfire I started getting really jittery. People were passing over the pleasantly buzzed phase to loud, obnoxiously trashed stage. I called my sponsor and talked for a few minutes, and it really helped me calm down. She made me not feel like such an outsider - which is very much what I sometimes feel like when everyone is drinking and enjoying themselves and I am watching.

Once people became seriously drunk, I felt gratitude. I watched a beautiful 25 year old woman drink red wine straight from a box. Our co-worker (who she was cuddling up with all night, even though she lives with her boyfriend) held it up high and poured it into her mouth, and then she spit it out and it went all over her clothes. She walked around like that all night, and actually wore that shirt the next morning at the work session. The red wine stain made it look like she had been stabbed. She yelled the same racist comment all night, and each time she explained to us why it wasn't racist. I could tell she had something important to say, but the louder and more jumbled her words got, the less anyone understood her. By the end of the night, she was crying that she missed her cats and calling one of her best friends an asshole for no reason.

I don't say this to demean her, because I was her at one time. I know the shame and guilt she felt this morning as she shuffled into the session, hungover, stomach churning, while being filled in on the stuff she blacked out.

As one of our senior management members and I were packing up our cabin this morning, she told me that the young woman who got so drunk had been having more and more blackouts, and that she and the young woman's mom have tried to talk with her about her drinking. She said she was really worried about her.

I mentioned casually that I had a lot of resources if the young woman ever wanted to talk, and I would be happy to talk with her. My co-worker said that many of us had friends and family who were affected by alcoholism, and many of us could help her, but she didn't seem ready yet. I looked her right in the eye and said, "Or ourselves." She looked surprised and hugged me (she is really touchy-feely). I told her if our young friend ever mentioned that she wanted help, to send her my way. I also said that of course this was told to her in confidence. She seemed offended I even felt the need to say that.

I feel a little weird about telling her that I am an alcoholic. I do feel it was appropriate given the circumstances. And, I do trust her.

I think the really big thing though, is that I am proud of my behavior. I didn't do anything to be embarrassed about, so why would I be embarrassed about the fact that I am an alcoholic? Being an alcoholic has helped bring me to a good place about myself. I have a dignity I never had before. That is a gift.