Today I was in my jammies, watching tv, talking with the kids when I felt like I needed to go to a meeting. As I mentioned yesterday, I have been wrestling with the whole idea of being an alcoholic, following directions, and having to spend all this time in meetings. Part of me wants to say screw it. I don't plan on drinking - just not following all the AA stuff.
But, today I felt compelled to go toa meeting. So, I went (in my t-shirt and ratty shorts), and when I got there my ex-cousin-in law J was there, with her parents! (It was an open meeting, so non alcoholics are allowed). J married my cousin about 3 years ago. They divorced after just a year. My son was the ring bearor in their wedding. J joined AA as they were breaking up. I ran into her at my very first meeting, and we have become friendly again. Anyway, J and my cousin (his name also begins with J) got married in July, and 2 weeks after their wedding, my other cousin K (J's 40 year old brother) died.
K was an alcoholic. The night he died, he drank too much and fell down his stairs. He basically broke his neck. That was a Saturday evening - his dad broke into his locked house on Monday morning because he wasn't answering his phone and found him. K and I drank the same kind of beer. He was my favorite cousin - I saw something of myself in him. He was charismatic and fun - before he became so desperately addicted to alcohol.
Until tonight, I had never shared that in a meeting. I have never really considered how it affected me and my alcohol use/abuse. I knew I was an alcoholic, even as we were burying my cousin . I truly didn't connect how that could kill me though. I never drank and drove. I wasn't an old woman who drank vodka out of a bottle; I was a young mom drinking beers to relax. Now I see the connection. AA has shown me that I was headed down the same path as my cousin. I could be there in a blink of an eye. If I continued to drink, I would get there eventually. It is guaranteed. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I had never really pondered what that meant before I joined AA. What it means is - I will continue to drink until I die - unless I stop.
So, tonight I heard from K, who I always enjoy listening to, and then my friend M, who is so sweet. She mentioned how if she continued drinking she would die - maybe from falling down and hitting her head.
A lightbulb literally went off above my head. THAT is why I was at that meeting. There are no coincidences. I was meant to hear that - and be reminded that I could be my cousin K. And, that I need AA. Even if I get pissy and don't want to listen to directions, or go to meetings. I have to. It is a matter of life and death.
I stopped at the cemetary on my way home from the meeting, and thanked my cousin for what he has taught me. His death was not meaningless. He is helping to save me. And, it is my job to keep going to meetings and help other alcoholics.
1 comment:
I used to always roll my eyes to the back of my head whenever anyone would say "Everything Happens for a Reason." I've never been a big fan of that phrase because I don't think it allows you to take responsibility for the good stuff that happens in your life and I feel like it's just a cop-out for the bad stuff that happens. But as I get older I begin to believe in it more, maybe because as we get older we have to make more decisions and the consequences are more important, and because, well, yeah....stuff DOES happen for a reason. I'm glad you figured out the reason why you went to that meeting that night.
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