Not wanting to follow directions

I have never been great at following directions. I like to play by my own rules. Do my own thing.

I went out for a drink (club soda and lime) with a few women from work last Thursday. We went to a bar. I perched up on a stool and sipped my drink while they sipped their beers. No-one really cared that I wasn't drinking as far as I could tell. I have said, several times, that I don't drink and no-one has even bothered to ask me why (Thank God!). I did have a kind-of hard time after the golf tournament that I planned on Monday - it went very well, and everyone from my boss to several players wanted to buy me a drink after it was over. I smiled and got a club soda a couple times, and no-one thought that was too terrible I guess.

So, when I talked to my sponsor on Friday, I told her I went out for a drink with people from work. And that I did NOT drink. There was a terrible silence on the phone. She was disappointed, I could tell. She started telling me about all the people she has known who have relapsed, and how many of them started off just going to a bar.

Frankly, it annoyed me. Don't treat me like a baby.

But, there is a little voice nagging in the back of my head that is sort-of telling me maybe she is right. I wasn't feeling a pull to drink that night. Everyone in AA who has any time tells me what a killer this disease is. I have a disease that tries to trick me into thinking I don't have a disease. And, it does a pretty good job of it. So, even though I wasn't compelled to drink, that night, that bar visit may have some lasting effects that I am not completely aware of.

But, damn it, I don't want to be different.

And, I am so annoyed that I haven't called my sponsor, or been to a meeting, since. I haven't had a drink, and do not believe that I will - but I am feeling "over" AA.

I know that is not smart. There are people out there who don't drink but don't attend any formal program. I am sure (now) I could do that. But, I am learning things in AA that I feel are important. It isn't just bullshit. So, maybe I should just suck it up and continue to go - and follow the directions of others who have come before me.

I don't know.