Once again, no coincidences

Today I was in my jammies, watching tv, talking with the kids when I felt like I needed to go to a meeting. As I mentioned yesterday, I have been wrestling with the whole idea of being an alcoholic, following directions, and having to spend all this time in meetings. Part of me wants to say screw it. I don't plan on drinking - just not following all the AA stuff.

But, today I felt compelled to go toa meeting. So, I went (in my t-shirt and ratty shorts), and when I got there my ex-cousin-in law J was there, with her parents! (It was an open meeting, so non alcoholics are allowed). J married my cousin about 3 years ago. They divorced after just a year. My son was the ring bearor in their wedding. J joined AA as they were breaking up. I ran into her at my very first meeting, and we have become friendly again. Anyway, J and my cousin (his name also begins with J) got married in July, and 2 weeks after their wedding, my other cousin K (J's 40 year old brother) died.

K was an alcoholic. The night he died, he drank too much and fell down his stairs. He basically broke his neck. That was a Saturday evening - his dad broke into his locked house on Monday morning because he wasn't answering his phone and found him. K and I drank the same kind of beer. He was my favorite cousin - I saw something of myself in him. He was charismatic and fun - before he became so desperately addicted to alcohol.

Until tonight, I had never shared that in a meeting. I have never really considered how it affected me and my alcohol use/abuse. I knew I was an alcoholic, even as we were burying my cousin . I truly didn't connect how that could kill me though. I never drank and drove. I wasn't an old woman who drank vodka out of a bottle; I was a young mom drinking beers to relax. Now I see the connection. AA has shown me that I was headed down the same path as my cousin. I could be there in a blink of an eye. If I continued to drink, I would get there eventually. It is guaranteed. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I had never really pondered what that meant before I joined AA. What it means is - I will continue to drink until I die - unless I stop.

So, tonight I heard from K, who I always enjoy listening to, and then my friend M, who is so sweet. She mentioned how if she continued drinking she would die - maybe from falling down and hitting her head.

A lightbulb literally went off above my head. THAT is why I was at that meeting. There are no coincidences. I was meant to hear that - and be reminded that I could be my cousin K. And, that I need AA. Even if I get pissy and don't want to listen to directions, or go to meetings. I have to. It is a matter of life and death.

I stopped at the cemetary on my way home from the meeting, and thanked my cousin for what he has taught me. His death was not meaningless. He is helping to save me. And, it is my job to keep going to meetings and help other alcoholics.

Not wanting to follow directions

I have never been great at following directions. I like to play by my own rules. Do my own thing.

I went out for a drink (club soda and lime) with a few women from work last Thursday. We went to a bar. I perched up on a stool and sipped my drink while they sipped their beers. No-one really cared that I wasn't drinking as far as I could tell. I have said, several times, that I don't drink and no-one has even bothered to ask me why (Thank God!). I did have a kind-of hard time after the golf tournament that I planned on Monday - it went very well, and everyone from my boss to several players wanted to buy me a drink after it was over. I smiled and got a club soda a couple times, and no-one thought that was too terrible I guess.

So, when I talked to my sponsor on Friday, I told her I went out for a drink with people from work. And that I did NOT drink. There was a terrible silence on the phone. She was disappointed, I could tell. She started telling me about all the people she has known who have relapsed, and how many of them started off just going to a bar.

Frankly, it annoyed me. Don't treat me like a baby.

But, there is a little voice nagging in the back of my head that is sort-of telling me maybe she is right. I wasn't feeling a pull to drink that night. Everyone in AA who has any time tells me what a killer this disease is. I have a disease that tries to trick me into thinking I don't have a disease. And, it does a pretty good job of it. So, even though I wasn't compelled to drink, that night, that bar visit may have some lasting effects that I am not completely aware of.

But, damn it, I don't want to be different.

And, I am so annoyed that I haven't called my sponsor, or been to a meeting, since. I haven't had a drink, and do not believe that I will - but I am feeling "over" AA.

I know that is not smart. There are people out there who don't drink but don't attend any formal program. I am sure (now) I could do that. But, I am learning things in AA that I feel are important. It isn't just bullshit. So, maybe I should just suck it up and continue to go - and follow the directions of others who have come before me.

I don't know.