I wish that voice would shut the hell up!
I can't help but think maybe I am not an alcoholic. I mean, here I am, hurtling towards the 6 month mark of being sober, and I am wondering if I was just imagining or exaggerating my alcoholic tendencies. The further away from a drink I am, the harder it is to remember the feelings. The bad feelings.
I have been told that this is completely normal. Everyone goes through this. The am I or aren't I debate. Every alcoholic believes they suffer from terminal uniqueness. That they are different from the hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics who walked through the doors of an AA meeting scared and embarrassed to death.
The thing is, I am royally annoyed that I have to spend time (lots of time) going to meetings. My sponsor says it is like medicine - my medicine for alcoholism is to go to meetings. If I had diabetes and I needed to take medicine to maintain my health, I would just do it. It would be a no-brainer. But, now that I have more demands on my time since I am working, I resent having to go to meetings. Like tonight, I left the office at 5:30, came home, saw the kids, ate dinner, checked the mail, did the laundry, and said "screw it" to going back out to a meeting. I am too tired. And, other days I have yoga. I try to always make it to my homegroup, but I really should go to more than one meeting a week.
Grumble grumble. There is a meeting every weekday morning from 7:30 to 8:30 AM - I really like to get to work by 8 AM, but maybe I will try to catch that meeting a couple days a week.
And, I have to remind myself, constantly, about the state of my life last November, when I stumbled into a meeting dazed and confused. Just because I lost a little weight and feel like the fuzziness has left my brain does not mean I can go back to drinking. I see the evidence of how quickly we can go back to the bottom every time I go to a meeting. One or two beers on the weekend would get me back to drinking daily faster than you can say Coors Light. I have to remember that.
1 comment:
This is a ridiculous analogy, I know, but much like losing weight is not about "dieting" but "changing your lifestyle", I imagine getting sober is not about the quick fix but the long term commitment. But when I think about all the other things you've committed to in your life, I don't worry about you at all. Remaining disciplined? It's hell. But you're doing it Kris. You're doing it.
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