at my friend J's since I stopped drinking. J and I have been friends for a very long time, and we are very close. She was at the birth of both of my children. We have an assortment of memories together - vacations, parties, bbqs, birthdays, holidays, etc. Most of them include alcohol. J is a friend I met when I met my husband, about 13 years ago. We don't have many memories together of not drinking, like I do with some of my other friends (even friends who I also have memories of with alcohol). In other words, I may have lots of memories of Sheil and I drinking together (or at list dim recollections, if not exactly memories), but I also have a million memories of Sheil and I NOT drinking together. There aren't too many memories I have of J where alcohol wasn't involved.
Not that we drank constantly or necessarily in huge amounts. But, most things that we did included alcohol, in at least small amounts, on some level. Vacationing on the Vineyard with the kids? Beer on the beach. Wine at dinner. Beer while playing cards after the kids went to sleep.
Dinner at their house? Wine with dinner. Beer by the pool watching the kids run around. Game night at our house? Margarita night. Everything we did included alcohol. Summer bbqs wouldn't be complete without a large amount of alcohol. When we were younger, it was in kegs. As we matured and had children, we switched to bottles. Holiday parties always include a well stocked bar, tons of beer, and gallons of wine.
So, I skipped the Holiday party at J's this past Christmas. I couldn't face all that alcohol so soon. But, we were invited to the Memorial Day party tonight and I wanted to go.
It was odd. Not bad, necessarily. It is weird to be home and not drunk. I watched everyone else drink - not a ton, but my friend drinks kind of a lot. It might be what attracted me to her in the first place. I felt a little out of it - not quite a part of the scene, but I also felt much more in control of myself. I never considered myself a loud or obnoxious drunk - but being there and not wondering if I was talking too loud or saying something stupid was a nice feeling. I think I may have been way more out of control than I let myself believe.
Plus, as an aside, I was able to participate much more with the kids. Not that I hovered around them - one of the best things about our friends is that our kids can play together well and not need us to hover, but I was able to join in with some of the games and help the kids get their plates made (all the kids, not just mine).
I respect myself more right now. I think what is so tragic is that I didn't realize I didn't respect myself when I was in the throes of it.
It did feel odd sitting around the fire without a drink and that familiar anesthetic. The feeling of NOT feeling. I missed it - but I realized I also liked the respect and dignity I felt. I loved the laughter that came from my gut, not from a bottle. I guess everything is a give and take. I gave something up, but I truly think I am on the verge of something better.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The Pink Cloud
In recovery, "the pink cloud" is often mentioned anytime a newcomer looks happy.
I guess the phenomenon is basically the ability to feel happy after feeling shitty for so long. From what I have heard, that cloud ends when you start to deal with real life.
I was accused of being on a pink cloud today, simply because I am happy. My life is going well. I love my family, I love my job, I love my life. I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be again. I am positive that not drinking is a huge part of the reason I am doing well.
Do I have crappy days - sure! Some days are really hard. But, not impossible , which I think is the difference. I realize that I can get through it. I am learning the tools necessary to deal with life.
I can become complacent. I am guilty of often wondering if I can drink again someday. But, when I really think about it - it isn't worth it. I don't want to risk giving up what I have.
So, pink cloud or not, I am happy. And, proud of myself. And dumbfounded at the things I realize I may be able to accomplish.
I guess the phenomenon is basically the ability to feel happy after feeling shitty for so long. From what I have heard, that cloud ends when you start to deal with real life.
I was accused of being on a pink cloud today, simply because I am happy. My life is going well. I love my family, I love my job, I love my life. I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be again. I am positive that not drinking is a huge part of the reason I am doing well.
Do I have crappy days - sure! Some days are really hard. But, not impossible , which I think is the difference. I realize that I can get through it. I am learning the tools necessary to deal with life.
I can become complacent. I am guilty of often wondering if I can drink again someday. But, when I really think about it - it isn't worth it. I don't want to risk giving up what I have.
So, pink cloud or not, I am happy. And, proud of myself. And dumbfounded at the things I realize I may be able to accomplish.
Monday, May 12, 2008
La la la
Not drinking. Eating cake. If I get through year one without gaining 30 pounds I will consider myself a huge success.
Monday night and there is nothing I have to do. It is a nice feeling. Dishes done, laundry folded, kids almost in bed.
Yay. Go me!
Monday night and there is nothing I have to do. It is a nice feeling. Dishes done, laundry folded, kids almost in bed.
Yay. Go me!
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Alcoholic Voice......
I wish that voice would shut the hell up!
I can't help but think maybe I am not an alcoholic. I mean, here I am, hurtling towards the 6 month mark of being sober, and I am wondering if I was just imagining or exaggerating my alcoholic tendencies. The further away from a drink I am, the harder it is to remember the feelings. The bad feelings.
I have been told that this is completely normal. Everyone goes through this. The am I or aren't I debate. Every alcoholic believes they suffer from terminal uniqueness. That they are different from the hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics who walked through the doors of an AA meeting scared and embarrassed to death.
The thing is, I am royally annoyed that I have to spend time (lots of time) going to meetings. My sponsor says it is like medicine - my medicine for alcoholism is to go to meetings. If I had diabetes and I needed to take medicine to maintain my health, I would just do it. It would be a no-brainer. But, now that I have more demands on my time since I am working, I resent having to go to meetings. Like tonight, I left the office at 5:30, came home, saw the kids, ate dinner, checked the mail, did the laundry, and said "screw it" to going back out to a meeting. I am too tired. And, other days I have yoga. I try to always make it to my homegroup, but I really should go to more than one meeting a week.
Grumble grumble. There is a meeting every weekday morning from 7:30 to 8:30 AM - I really like to get to work by 8 AM, but maybe I will try to catch that meeting a couple days a week.
And, I have to remind myself, constantly, about the state of my life last November, when I stumbled into a meeting dazed and confused. Just because I lost a little weight and feel like the fuzziness has left my brain does not mean I can go back to drinking. I see the evidence of how quickly we can go back to the bottom every time I go to a meeting. One or two beers on the weekend would get me back to drinking daily faster than you can say Coors Light. I have to remember that.
I can't help but think maybe I am not an alcoholic. I mean, here I am, hurtling towards the 6 month mark of being sober, and I am wondering if I was just imagining or exaggerating my alcoholic tendencies. The further away from a drink I am, the harder it is to remember the feelings. The bad feelings.
I have been told that this is completely normal. Everyone goes through this. The am I or aren't I debate. Every alcoholic believes they suffer from terminal uniqueness. That they are different from the hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics who walked through the doors of an AA meeting scared and embarrassed to death.
The thing is, I am royally annoyed that I have to spend time (lots of time) going to meetings. My sponsor says it is like medicine - my medicine for alcoholism is to go to meetings. If I had diabetes and I needed to take medicine to maintain my health, I would just do it. It would be a no-brainer. But, now that I have more demands on my time since I am working, I resent having to go to meetings. Like tonight, I left the office at 5:30, came home, saw the kids, ate dinner, checked the mail, did the laundry, and said "screw it" to going back out to a meeting. I am too tired. And, other days I have yoga. I try to always make it to my homegroup, but I really should go to more than one meeting a week.
Grumble grumble. There is a meeting every weekday morning from 7:30 to 8:30 AM - I really like to get to work by 8 AM, but maybe I will try to catch that meeting a couple days a week.
And, I have to remind myself, constantly, about the state of my life last November, when I stumbled into a meeting dazed and confused. Just because I lost a little weight and feel like the fuzziness has left my brain does not mean I can go back to drinking. I see the evidence of how quickly we can go back to the bottom every time I go to a meeting. One or two beers on the weekend would get me back to drinking daily faster than you can say Coors Light. I have to remember that.
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