Not alcohol related.......

but I had to share for my friends who recently realized we are getting older.

My boss came into my office today to ask me if I would be interested in joining a young professionals club that our local chamber of commerce is trying to develop. Of course, I said sure. He then told me that me and two co-workers were going to go. The co-workers are in their early to mid twenties. I actually remember one of them when he was a camper at the Y as a young child. I smiled and said, "Wow - I am excited to be considered on their level in terms of age." My boss asked how old I was, and I told him 34. He said, "Oh - you are young!" I don't feel it, but there is hope for us yet!

I just googled and it appears that most young professional clubs cater to those under 40. I mentioned that to my husband who said, "Well, you get to be in it for a few years at least." Thanks honey.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Seriously. Wah Wah Wah. I am so sick of how whiney I sound and feel every single day.

I don't have a lot to say that sounds good right now. I just feel shell shocked with the blows we have been dealt lately. I really wanted to drink today. It just sneaks up on me - I drove by a bar owned by a friend of my dad's and I thought I could slip in, have a drink, and no-one would be the wiser (except my dad's friend, but he wouldn't rat me out). I never stopped at bars on my own when I was drinking. I was an at home drinker - I went out with friends sometimes, but I didn't spend a lot of time in bars.

I didn't stop, because I knew I couldn't, but the force was compelling. I could taste it.

Instead I am eating cake like it is going out of style.

Want to go out for a drink?

Um. Well, I don't know.

My boss's assistant asked me to go out with the other ladies from work tonight for a drink. I told her I had an appointment. Then one of the other women from work emailed me asking me to go. Again, I begged off.

I am not sure how long I can get away with this before I am either 1.) deemed a snob or 2.) labeled weird anti-social girl.

I would like to go, and socialize, and bond with my co-workers. I want to be normal. I want to be that person who can go out, have one drink, giggle with my friends, and go home. The plain truth is, I can't do that.

My alcoholic brain starts coming up with reasons as to why I actually can drink. I know that is wrong, so I instead start coming up with ways to not appear like an alcoholic. I considered going out, getting a drink, and just holding it. Yeah, that is a pretty stupid (and relatively dangerous!) idea. So, I am now at, go, say I don't feel like drinking, and getting a soda. Which could still be dangerous, frankly. It is usually suggested in early sobriety that you don't go hang out at bars.

Or, I guess I could flat out say, "I don't drink." I don't have to go into a lengthy explanation. I can just say I don't drink. I don't owe anyone a reason. For some reason though, that seems so much harder than just pretending I am a drinker who is not drinking that particular night.

I remember at one of my first jobs out of college, one of my friends from there didn't drink. She never gave anyone a reason (and we were pretty close) - she just didn't drink. She went out with us, and drank soda. I always assumed her father (who she didn't have a relationship with) was an alcoholic and she didn't want to become one. It never crossed my mind that she could actually be an alcoholic. It was a foreign concept to me. I liked her a lot though - even though she wouldn't drink with me, so maybe I have a chance to still bond with my co-workers.

The disease can sneak up on you.....

and it is insidious.

I start to feel really comfortable - like, "Hah! This isn't so hard. I just don't drink and live my life. No biggie." I start to get complacent. I figure it isn't a big deal and I must have just gotten carried away there for a little bit (yeah, what, like 10 years?). I start to get cocky in my not drinking status. It isn't hard all the time. Most of the time it is not terribly hard. The not drinking isn't the hard part - the dealing with the feelings and life is.

Then, a sneaky little thought creeps in. I was driving home from my dad's today (after putting together 6 poster boards of pictures fro my grandmother's wake), and I thought, "Wow, a beer would taste so good right now. I deserve one. I am exhausted emotionally." And, of course, I immediately thought, "No! You know you can't drink." But, then, I was like, "But, look how good you have been - you are like super AA-er - no slip ups and you are almost at 5 months!" And then, "But, you deserve it!"

I know I can't - but it is just so crazy how the thought slips in.

Good Lord.....

This working thing sure takes up a lot of time!

We are all chugging along. Today is David's 8th birthday. Working mother guilty pleasure: $16 for 25 premade/decorated cupcakes at Price Chopper. I mean, that is
ridiculous. But, not having to bake at 10 PM last night for David's class was priceless.

Work is good. I like it so far. I did get a call from my dad yesterday saying "It is time. Come see your grandmother." I rushed over there and did feel terribly guilty after a little while when I said I had to get back to work. But, I did. It is my first real week. And, practically, I am going to have to take some time off for the funeral/wake soon - so I can't be completely MIA my first week! I will try to get over this afternoon for a little bit. The Hospice nurses took my grandmother off all of her meds except comfort meds, so it could be very quick (or not).

I haven't been a very good AA-er. I just don't have time. My new plan is to always make it to my home group (Wednesday nights) and try to get to 2 other meetings during the week. 3 a week isn't ideal for early sobriety, but I can only do what I can do.

Gotta go to work!

Tuesday.....

Work is so far, so good. I am off tomorrow and Friday since my boss is out of the office this week (I have been reading everything in my office. Today I wrote a mess of letters) and he told me to choose what I wanted to do this week in terms of working - I figured 3 out of 5 days was a decent start to ease into the grind.

I got a notice from the neurologist today and David has an appointment in Albany at the end of the month. It seems like an awful long time to wait and stress about this. I have been keeping track of his headaches - there have been several this week. I just am so worried.

So, that is the update. Work is good. Kids are good. I am good. Tired, but in a good way - the tired you feel after you have a productive day.