Sponsorship

Arghhhhhhh.

Just a few short hours ago, I was in a fairly good mood. Now, not so much.

So, one of the most important things you can do when you join AA is to get a sponsor. Like all my decisions in life, I am worrying about it, stressing over making the right choice, and generally just obsessing about it. I identified a list of potential sponsors a couple months ago.

1.) T - the gay kid who befriended me on my first night in AA. I really like him, we get along great, and I now consider him a friend. Sober for a bit over a year.

2.) K - a woman in my home group. She seems very nice - career woman, has kids, very down to earth. Dresses nice. Looks put together and has "what I want." (That is what you are supposed to look for in a sponsor - someone with good sobriety who has what you want). However, she is also very busy, and I rarely see her. Sober for 5 years.

3.) D - Nice woman, was in my yoga class before. Very friendly. Married, has a child, and a career. Sober for 6 years. Had lunch with her and T and M last weekend.

4.) M - Career woman, no kids. Sober for 5 plus years.

5.) N - she is T and K's sponsor. She is like the AA poster child. She is very involved - super active AAer. I had mentioned K to her as a potential sponsor for me, and she thought it sounded great - she said it would be good for both of us. Sober for over 20 years.

So, I know N has mentioned being my sponsor to K. K and I have talked shyly once or twice - it is like when you are in high school and one of your friends told the boy you have a crush on that you like him. You look at each other coyly, ignoring the big elephant in the room. But, I haven't asked her to be my sponsor yet - I am not sure why. Nervous? Maybe. Plus, I feel like I don't know her well enough. Like I am asking her something intimate without having a foundation first.

Today, at a meeting, T and I were talking about my lack of sponsorship and how I need to call K. I looked at him and said, "Why can't you just be my sponsor?" He told me he would ask N about it (his sponsor). I knew that she would think it was a terrible idea - and, I was right. She said he didn't have enough sobriety, and that he and I were too buddy buddy for a successful sponsorship situation. Deep down, I knew that. But, I still wanted it - it was the easier solution than reaching out to K.

Sigh. Guess I will try to call K this weekend.

And, this all happens when I could actually use a sponsor! When I got home from my meeting, my mom, who was babysitting my daughter admonished me for not answering my phone (it was off because of the whole AA meeting thing. Don't want "Yo Ho Yo Ho A Pirates Life for Me" screaming out in the middle of someone's share.). She barely said hello before she ran out the door with my dad and step-mom to rush off to get my sister - who apparently is in crisis again. My dad didn't even bother say hello to me, he just told me to get my sister an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Um, she is MY therapist. I know I sound like a bratty, selfish teenager with a severe case of sibling rivalry, but come on. I am dealing with my own shit here. I suggested, once again, that maybe she needs to go to a hospital. They said no.

I am really in a shitty mood.