Today I am grateful for.....

1.) The Wedding Singer. EL and I are reciting the lines together as we watch it.

2.) Crock Pots.

3.) Steve Madden Heels

Friday Morning....

And I am bored. It is 8:06 AM, and I am wondering what I am going to do all day. I can't wait to start work Monday! (Remind me I said that when I am tearing my hair out in a few weeks).

David is home sick again (tummy still not great). Plus, I am just so worried about him. So, he is on the couch, Becca is running around downstairs, and I am just sitting here.

There is a meeting I like to go to at noon on Fridays, and my mom usually babysits for Becca, but she has an appointment this morning so I am pretty sure she isn't coming over. Plus, I am not going to be able to go to this meeting anymore anyway since I will be working. EL is still sick, but he has an interview with his boss today (same job; more money, just a different classification in the state system - he isn't expecting to get it because there are much more senior guys up for it, but he felt it was important to interview at least to show his interest for the future) so he went off to work.

We have a Church School retreat thing tomorrow morning for David's first communion, then the school's fun fair is tomorrow, and David has a birthday party tomorrow evening. Busy day. We may skip the fun fair since I want everyone healthy next week - in case I haven't mentioned it (ha!) I start work Monday. I think I may try on all my new clothes today and plan my outfits for next week. That would be productive. I might even make little cards listing everything right down to the shoes and accessories so I know what to put out each night. I bet I could even make an excel spreadsheet! Wow - this is the crazy crap my brain comes up with when it isn't bogged down with alcohol.

I also could plan dinners too. I may print up some crock pot recipes, make a list for the store on Sunday, and pre-make everything I can on Sunday so we will have easy meals next week.

Or, I could sit here and play on the internet. Or watch The Cosby Show with the kids (they love The Cosby Show!).

I spoke with my sponsor K for an hour last night. She is such an awesome woman. The sponsor is the person who helps you work through the 12 Steps. I have found the Steps to be pretty obscure. I mean, I understand them, but whenever I hear people refer to "working the steps" I am like, "What the heck are they doing? Committing them to memory?"

Right now, K and I are just getting to know each other. Sharing information about ourselves, our families, etc. Eventually, she will guide me through all of the steps. She did mention that for Step 1 (Step 1 is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable") I could start by writing about the times when I remember feeling powerless to alcohol. That is interesting, because there are a few things that are obvious standouts in my mind (like the time I ended up in a clinic with an IV in my arm in Utah because I was so sick from drinking), but when I started really thinking about it, there are things even from my childhood that fit.

Sheila will remember this one - a sleepover birthday party when we were very young (what - maybe 10 or 11 or 12?) and a party goer brought some alcohol. I pretended to sip it, but didn't because it was too scary. The parents found out and the offender was sent home (in case she got sick because she did drink some). We were sitting around birthday cake, all crying. I felt pretty powerless then. Of course, that didn't make me an alcoholic, but it is telling - that alcohol had such an effect on me at such a young age.

So, I guess I may start writing this stuff down in my Nightmare Before Christmas journal I got at Disney in January. See, Elissa, I KNEW it would come in handy!

Enough with the tests already...

I am getting a little sick of what I am considering tests of my sobriety. I get it. I am not going to drink. Drinking = bad for Krissy. Got it. Loud and clear. Enough with the tests already!

These last couple weeks have been trying.

To start, we all (except EL) got the tummy bug that seems to be going around. David started with it last Monday. He stayed home from school. He got better quickly. Then Friday Becca got it. She was throwing up every hour all night long. Saturday I started. Easter was spent lying on the couch moaning (me).

My sister is still kind-of a wreck, but we have stopped actively worrying about her since yesterday I got a call saying "It's time. Siti (my grandma) is dying. Get over there." So, I rushed over there, feeling like I was going to throw up, and we all stood over her waiting for her to die. She didn't die. I understand not wanting someone to be alone when they are dying - that I get, and I suppose that it is nice to be surrounded by your loved ones when you pass on, but man it makes you feel like a vulture sitting there staring at her. We went through this with my father in law (he didn't pass away until we all left the room. He was very stubborn), and more recently with my other grandmother. She was in the hospital dying for weeks. It was excruciating. So, anyway, Siti is still with us. She actually seemed better this morning my dad told me. So, I will pray for her and continue to visit.

Then, today, I got a phone call from David's doctor's office. He had a cat scan last week because he has been having headaches. They think they see some "fatty areas" on it and it wasn't a great picture, so they want him to go to a neurologist in Albany for a second opinion. I just googled fatty area on brain, and from what I can tell, that could be a tumor. Now I am terrified, even though they told me not to worry.

I can't deal with all of this. I start work next Monday (and am a bundle of nerves about that), I am still sick, and everything is coming apart. I know it will work out. It has to. My job will be understanding (I hope). EL has been at his job for a while now, and he can take some time off if he needs to to deal with this stuff. I have a list of things to do as long as my arm and all I want to do is sleep right now. I will rest today and hope I am no longer sick tomorrow and I can tackle my list.

You have got to be kidding me.....

Today I am frazzled. Absolutely frazzled. It was one of those days that I am running a thousand miles an hour and never feel like I have enough time to slow down and breathe. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I am looking forward to work. When I was at the Y today I poked my head into what I presume is my office, and it was so calm and quiet. And, there was a door. A door I can shut. It looks like a little slice of heaven.

So far today, I have:

Taken Becca to preschool.

Taken David with me on errands (he didn't have school today).

Gone to the Post Office.

Gone to my storage unit to pick up items to ship for my business.

Gone to Walmart to return a CD that I got David for Easter since when I casually mentioned them, he told me that "The Naked Brothers Band sucks rotten eggs."

Gone to Target to return a yoga shirt, and look for a new Easter present for David (I announced that the Easter Bunny brings the candy but mommy gets one gift - I didn't want to have to deal with getting a gift when he wasn't around since we are busy until Easter. They didn't have what he wanted (A DS game)).

Gone to Toys R Us looking for game. No go. He did pick out a Pokemon Book, which I purchased. Easter is now almost done (just have to assemble the baskets).

Rushed to Becca's Easter Party at preschool.

Took kids to Becca's gymnastics class.

Went to Doctor for David.

Came home and shipped items, balanced checkbook, and had long conversation with my dad about my sister. Discussed pros and cons of intervention.

David actually had the guts to tell me I don't do anything for him and this whole day was about me. (Because I wouldn't take him to his friends house today).

I haven't even showered yet.

The joys of motherhood.

Home Group Meeting tonight...

I chaired. It was a really nice meeting. I sat between my sponsor K and my friend D - two very awesome women. They are strong, smart, funny, and successful. Plus they have excellent hair and dress really well. They are the type of women you see walking down the street and think they look so confident and put together. Stylish is an appropriate word for them.

It isn't just the outside though. They exude acceptance - acceptance for who they are (and even acceptance for who they were - when they were drinking), acceptance for others in every stage of sobriety, acceptance about the world around us. It is all very spiritual, and I can't even begin to imagine me feeling like that, but I felt lucky tonight that I got the chance to sit between them, and feel safe and happy that they are in my life. I feel hopeful that someday I can be as calm and wise as they are. The thing that is so beautiful, though, is that they know it is never done. We are always a work in progress. There isn't a point when you sit back, put your feet up, and say, "Ah, it's over. I'm all better now."

There were two newcomers there today - one has been sober since Thursday, and the other about a month. Looking at them sharing their feelings, I couldn't believe how far I have come in such a short time. I know what they are feeling, and being reminded of it is so important. Being able to say something encouraging to them was huge. It truly DOES help keep me sober when I help another alcoholic. I have had a a hard time understanding that, but I am beginning to get it. It is starting to click.

Today I am grateful for.....

1.) My AA friends. I talked with 2 of them (my sponsor K and T) this afternoon for just a few minutes each. It is very nice to have my phone ring and smile when I see their names. And it is nice to know I don't have to say anything important - just checking in and saying hi is fine.

2.) Those frozen pretzels that you put salt on and then put in the microwave. Yum.

3.) Spring. It is coming. I can feel it!

4.) Spongebob Squarepants. He just allowed me 20 minutes of complete silence as my daughter watched him with complete attention.

An appropriate song....

So, I am a Disney freak. I love Disney. A lot. One of my best friends shares my joy of all things Disney. She recently made me a CD of Disney Princess songs (we are soooo princesses). My daughter loves it and insists on listening to it every time we are in the car. She also is a little particular about which songs, and especially likes the following one (which means I hear it about 70 times per day):

Part of your World (Ariel)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs?
I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
(Whad'ya call 'em?) oh - feet
Flippin' your fins you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down a
(What's that word again?) street

Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free
Wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give
If I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm on the sand?
Betcha on land
They understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women
Sick o' swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions
And get some answers
What's a fire and why does it
(What's the word?) burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

I couldn't help but notice that the lyrics also fit what I have been
going through lately. Being in the throes of alcoholism is like being
underwater.  It was like I was on the outside looking in every
single day.  I couldn't do the simple things that everyone else did -
I was a prisoner to alcohol and to myself.  I was in my own
little world, letting people peek in here and there, but not
opening myself up fully - ever.

This blog and AA have helped me open up.  I can be honest
about what it was like, because it isn't like that anymore
(Thank God).  I do feel like I am now up above
the water, walking around, exploring the shore, learning
about the things that others have known all along.  I may
have known these things at one time, but
I have forgotten - and it is now slowly coming back to me.

I have a sponsor!

Tonight, at my home group, I asked K to be my sponsor. She said yes! I feel like I am supposed to do something momentous, like carve our names together in a tree. I guess, instead, I will post a blog saying "I have a sponsor!"

On another note, I got a new phone. I had a treo palm smartphone thing, but I hated it - it was so heavy and bulky. Plus, I am no good at updating it and using it as an organizer - I much prefer writing out calendars and lists. There is something very satisfying about crossing off - in pen - the things you have completed. So, anyway, my darling husband got me a pink razr when he went and got himself a new phone. Apparently, my choice in phones is so dated that they give it away free. Whatever - I still like it.

I hope this isn't too soon.....

I got a job.

I have been at home with my kids for several years now, running my own business. But, I decided, when I quit drinking, that it was time to get back out there. I liked working. I liked dressing up and going out and having a clear purpose, with defined goals and adult interaction and coffees and meetings. I know it sounds silly, but I have missed that stuff. I went to college and had a nice career before I started sliding into alcoholism and self pity and depression and motherhood. It isn't quite that desperate, but it was a black time.

So, I applied for a job - and I interviewed, and interviewed again, and wrote sample letters, and went to a fundraiser for the agency, and finally, almost two months later - I was offered the job. Pending a clear criminal background check, I am an employed woman. Again.

Part of me is elated that I actually convinced several people that I was right for this job - that really isn't what I have done (in a direct sense). I feel like I fooled them. Like they now believe that I am capable, even though deep down I feel like I am not. Like I am a kid playing office at my dad's desk - stapling things and answering the phone. Like I am not really qualified.

It is a good fit, in terms of my kids and my family and hours and flexibility. But, it is still a j-o-b.

The thing I need to remember is that if I don't like it, I can quit. It isn't like this decision is the final decision for the rest of my life. I'll try it, I'll see if I enjoy it and if I am good at it.

For now, I will just be happy I succeeded.

Sponsorship

Arghhhhhhh.

Just a few short hours ago, I was in a fairly good mood. Now, not so much.

So, one of the most important things you can do when you join AA is to get a sponsor. Like all my decisions in life, I am worrying about it, stressing over making the right choice, and generally just obsessing about it. I identified a list of potential sponsors a couple months ago.

1.) T - the gay kid who befriended me on my first night in AA. I really like him, we get along great, and I now consider him a friend. Sober for a bit over a year.

2.) K - a woman in my home group. She seems very nice - career woman, has kids, very down to earth. Dresses nice. Looks put together and has "what I want." (That is what you are supposed to look for in a sponsor - someone with good sobriety who has what you want). However, she is also very busy, and I rarely see her. Sober for 5 years.

3.) D - Nice woman, was in my yoga class before. Very friendly. Married, has a child, and a career. Sober for 6 years. Had lunch with her and T and M last weekend.

4.) M - Career woman, no kids. Sober for 5 plus years.

5.) N - she is T and K's sponsor. She is like the AA poster child. She is very involved - super active AAer. I had mentioned K to her as a potential sponsor for me, and she thought it sounded great - she said it would be good for both of us. Sober for over 20 years.

So, I know N has mentioned being my sponsor to K. K and I have talked shyly once or twice - it is like when you are in high school and one of your friends told the boy you have a crush on that you like him. You look at each other coyly, ignoring the big elephant in the room. But, I haven't asked her to be my sponsor yet - I am not sure why. Nervous? Maybe. Plus, I feel like I don't know her well enough. Like I am asking her something intimate without having a foundation first.

Today, at a meeting, T and I were talking about my lack of sponsorship and how I need to call K. I looked at him and said, "Why can't you just be my sponsor?" He told me he would ask N about it (his sponsor). I knew that she would think it was a terrible idea - and, I was right. She said he didn't have enough sobriety, and that he and I were too buddy buddy for a successful sponsorship situation. Deep down, I knew that. But, I still wanted it - it was the easier solution than reaching out to K.

Sigh. Guess I will try to call K this weekend.

And, this all happens when I could actually use a sponsor! When I got home from my meeting, my mom, who was babysitting my daughter admonished me for not answering my phone (it was off because of the whole AA meeting thing. Don't want "Yo Ho Yo Ho A Pirates Life for Me" screaming out in the middle of someone's share.). She barely said hello before she ran out the door with my dad and step-mom to rush off to get my sister - who apparently is in crisis again. My dad didn't even bother say hello to me, he just told me to get my sister an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Um, she is MY therapist. I know I sound like a bratty, selfish teenager with a severe case of sibling rivalry, but come on. I am dealing with my own shit here. I suggested, once again, that maybe she needs to go to a hospital. They said no.

I am really in a shitty mood.

Home Group

Tomorrow night is my home group meeting. Your home group is "your" meeting. The meeting that you belong to. That you always go to. And, you usually have a job of some sort at the meeting. In February I was on cleanup. This month, I am chairing the meetings.

You pick a home group based on where you feel the most comfortable. Some people pick them kind-of randomly. Not me. I researched it like I researched choosing a college. I asked so many questions, people were probably starting to wonder if I was for real. Never mind that if I wanted to change home groups, it isn't quite as labor intensive as transferring schools (as far as I can tell, it involves crossing your name off the handwritten list in the group you are leaving and adding it to the group you are joining). It didn't matter; I took this decision to heart the way I take every decision to heart - I agonized over it. And then I said to myself, "If you join, and don't like it, or find one you like better, you can change. Get a grip!" And, I wrote my name.

My home group is a meditation meeting. What that means is that we stare at a candle and think in silence for ten minutes; I usually think about my hair. Don't tell anyone, but I am not
really good at meditation.

My home group is also a literature meeting. What that means is that someone is chosen to pick a small reading from conference approved (AA approved) literature, and they read it. Then, after meditation, the person who chose it and read talks for a few minutes about the passage. Then, we go around in a circle and people talk about the passage, the topic, or what someone else said, or really anything on their mind.

It is a nice meeting.

Coincidences

One of the things I often hear at AA is that there are no coincidences. I tend to be a pragmatic, scientific, non-intuitive type person. I think coincidences happen all of the time as a matter of fact. So, I have a real hard time trying to shut up and just believe that things may not always be a coincidence. I am working on it.

At the racquetball tournament I mentioned earlier, I encountered such a coincidence. On Sunday, after my nervous searching for an alcoholic, any alcoholic, on Saturday night, I noticed one of the players in the tournament was wearing a t-shirt that said (on the back) "Back Off! I'm in Recovery!" I tapped him on the shoulder and asked to see what the front said. He excitedly showed me (it said "A Ditto" because you can't say AA because of some reason - probably copyright). He then explained that his dad (who was also in the tournament) was in AA (his dad piped in with "Two years!") and he had these shirts made in solidarity for him because he was so proud of him. I shook his dad's hand and kind-of whispered "Me too. Almost 3 months."

He was so nice! He took some time to talk with me, and got my address and email address. He then sent me the t-shirt (in pink!!) and a Big Book. (The Big Book is like the AA bible. They call it the Big Book because when it was first printed, it was on some large paper because they got a deal on it). We have kept in email contact. So, coincidence, or not? I still tend to think it was a happy coincidence, but whatever - it was nice!