Why did I quit drinking?

That seems to be the $1000 question. My friends unanimously sounded shocked by my admission that I quit drinking and joined AA. One even called me back 2 hours after I told her asking EXACTLY what happened. Did I get arrested? Did I hurt myself or my kids? Did I get in a drunk driving accident?

Nope. Nope. And nope.

I have known for years that my drinking was out of control, but it seemed too difficult to even attempt to deal with it. I was good at hiding how much I drank - and no-one except my husband had any idea of how much I was drinking. I am not going to put every detail out here - at least not now - but I will say that I drank every day, with maybe a few days off (total) in the last 3 years. No, I am not exaggerating. I will also say that the number you are thinking in your head about how many beers each night.....you can probably safely double it. I passed out most nights.

I made promises to myself every day. I would look in the mirror in the morning and say "I hate what I am seeing. I need to stop drinking." And, I would have good intentions. But, by noon I would usually know that I was going to drink again that afternoon. And, almost without fail, I would.

I felt sick every single day. I wasn't hungover most days - not in the way you are thinking. I basically felt poorly all day long every day.

Monday, November 26th, 2007, I woke up feeling the same as every other day. But, when I looked in the mirror I started crying. And, I cried all day. I cried driving in the car. I cried at yoga. I cried looking up AA meetings online. I had done that so many times, but never actually went to one.

When my husband came home I cried to him, and told him I couldn't stand myself and I was going to a meeting. He said that sounded like a good idea.

I headed out at 7:30 to an AA meeting at a church. It was pouring rain. I was wearing my yoga clothes, my hair was a wreck, and I was starting to go into alcohol withdrawal. I was terrified. I wasn't sure what I was expecting.

I met several nice people that night - one of whom took me under his wing. He is a 22 year old gay kid and I smile when I think of him. His kindness got me to come back the next day, and the next.

So much happened the next few weeks, but that is for other posts. I am coming up on 3 months sober, and I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. I have horrible days, and good days, and great days - and that is what it is supposed to be like.