Life of life's terms

This is another one of those phrases you hear all the time in AA. Dealing with life - on life's terms - is apparently difficult for many alcoholics. Which makes complete sense.

I actually think dealing with life on life's terms is difficult for many people - alcoholic or not. I mean, really, avoidance is practically a national pastime. People spend too much money, eat too much, don't eat enough, go to therapy, go on meds, use drugs, have sex, and do a host of other things to feel better. Almost everyone I know has some sort of vice or issue. (And the few that don't I probably just don't know well enough). And, although they probably all stem from different triggers, I think it all boils down to ultimately, not wanting to deal. Life is hard. It is awesome too, and I know that without the lows you don't have the highs. I get that. I understand that logically. But, the lows are still hurtful.

As an alcoholic, I have not felt much in the last several years. I was anesthetized most of the time. Now that I am in (very) early sobriety, I am starting to feel again. And, oh my God, it sucks. I am not talking about anything life shattering - just basic stuff. Basic emotions that I drowned for so long feel very raw. I can only hope that it gets better. I have always prided myself on my ability to be fairly stoic. I don't cry much. I am a taskmaster, a list maker, and I get things done. Alcohol allowed me the ability to do that believe it or not. Now, I am defenseless, and I have to admit that it hurts. And, I have to deal with it.

I think for the most part, I am doing ok. I am doing the work. I never really understood that phrase. People who said they are "working on themselves" confused me. I would get a picture in my mind of them hunched over a desk writing furiously. They would look up with a furrowed brow and then start writing again.

I am doing the work now, and in my case, it is basically just feeling - and not trying to run from myself. Pretty basic stuff. I have faith that if I keep trying, it will get better.