Last weekend

Last weekend was an annual racquetball tournament at the YMCA. My father and I have volunteered at them for many years. This was the first time I had to do it sober.

On Wednesday, my friend Gary came over to work on the draw. He brought a twelve pack of beer. I smiled, thanked him, and told him I actually quit - to lose weight. My father was here and he told him to take it right back out to his car. (Yeah, like that didn't sound suspicious.) Gary looked confused. I didn't want to get into a big discussion about it, and I don't feel comfortable enough with him to tell him that I am an alcoholic - and plus it really isn't his business. There isn't any reason for him to know right now.

That was all fine. So, on Saturday, at the tournament, I was doing fine. And then a friend of my father's, who I often drank with at the tournaments (I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic) asked me if we were partying that night. I smiled and said sure a little bit. In my head I was thinking, "Shit."

I started to get really nervous, and really edgy. I hadn't thought that far ahead. The banquet on Saturday night is always a big drinking event. And, after the banquet, we usually go to a bar or someone's house or something to continue the party. I wondered if I should still go. One of the things I often hear at AA is, "You don't go to a whorehouse to listen to the piano player." But, there was a legitimate reason to go to the party. I was running the tournament.

I tried to do what I have been taught in AA. I knew I had to talk to an alcoholic. No-one else would do. My husband talked with me, but he doesn't understand. I often run into AA members at the Y, so I started wandering around looking for alcoholics. And, just my luck, no-one was there.

I pulled out the 30 or so phone numbers I have from people I have met and started calling the people I felt most comfortable with - but no-one was home. I hate the whole calling thing. AA members have been asking me almost every day if I was calling people. I get kind-of offended and say there is no need. I am BUSY. I have a life. I don't have time to call random strangers and babble about the weather. I have been told that it is vitally important because then if you are in a situation where you feel like you need to talk to someone, you have a network already. You have already made that first awkward call. I was pretty convinced that I would never need to call any of these people. I am doing just fine on my own, thank you very much.

But, let me tell you, Saturday night I would have killed for one of those alcoholics to answer the phone. I get it now. I know why I need to do it. I never thought I would feel the need to actually call and just have someone say, "I know how you are feeling." But, I wanted to hear it from someone else who had been there.

As it was, I didn't hear it from another alcoholic that night. But, I went to the party and drank my club soda and lime, and my husband drank his diet coke. And, it was a bit uncomfortable. I felt strange - like a fish out of water. I survived though. And, I didn't drink.