I think one of the things I am supposed to be doing daily is some sort-of gratitude list (I think it may be one of the steps. I am new; I am not really clear on everything!) Even if it isn't something I am asked to do, it seems like a good idea. Especially with the pity party this blog is becoming! I am going to have to be sure to be a little fun in here too.
So, today I am grateful for:
Yoga. Seriously, I love yoga. And, I finally am getting good at it (after like 5 years). Amazingly, my balance and concentration is much, much better sober! Who knew? At the next session at the Y, which starts next week, I am enrolled in 4 classes per week. I will not get to every one, but with my hectic schedule, I had to give myself some options. I am really looking forward to it. I have a new yoga mat, bag, and matching water bottle. I can't wait.
My Chi flat iron. It is amazing.
The new friends I have made in AA. I had lunch last Saturday with one of them, and we had a ball.
The library. I finally realized that spending money on books is kind-of stupid and then I have all these books taking up space in my small house. I have begun using the library instead and I love it. I can do a search at home, request the books I want, and just walk in and pick them up at the desk. Talk about service!
My new pink laptop. I broke my last one last week. My new laptop is really cute.
CSI Miami. It is on like 24 hours a day and we JUST started watching it, so I can always see an episode that is brand new to me.
Perrier water in small plastic bottles.
Lest I sound completely materialistic, I have to mention my gratitude for all the really important things, like my kids, husband, family, old friends, health, etc. But, really, that should be a no-brainer. Of course I am grateful for those things!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Life of life's terms
This is another one of those phrases you hear all the time in AA. Dealing with life - on life's terms - is apparently difficult for many alcoholics. Which makes complete sense.
I actually think dealing with life on life's terms is difficult for many people - alcoholic or not. I mean, really, avoidance is practically a national pastime. People spend too much money, eat too much, don't eat enough, go to therapy, go on meds, use drugs, have sex, and do a host of other things to feel better. Almost everyone I know has some sort of vice or issue. (And the few that don't I probably just don't know well enough). And, although they probably all stem from different triggers, I think it all boils down to ultimately, not wanting to deal. Life is hard. It is awesome too, and I know that without the lows you don't have the highs. I get that. I understand that logically. But, the lows are still hurtful.
As an alcoholic, I have not felt much in the last several years. I was anesthetized most of the time. Now that I am in (very) early sobriety, I am starting to feel again. And, oh my God, it sucks. I am not talking about anything life shattering - just basic stuff. Basic emotions that I drowned for so long feel very raw. I can only hope that it gets better. I have always prided myself on my ability to be fairly stoic. I don't cry much. I am a taskmaster, a list maker, and I get things done. Alcohol allowed me the ability to do that believe it or not. Now, I am defenseless, and I have to admit that it hurts. And, I have to deal with it.
I think for the most part, I am doing ok. I am doing the work. I never really understood that phrase. People who said they are "working on themselves" confused me. I would get a picture in my mind of them hunched over a desk writing furiously. They would look up with a furrowed brow and then start writing again.
I am doing the work now, and in my case, it is basically just feeling - and not trying to run from myself. Pretty basic stuff. I have faith that if I keep trying, it will get better.
I actually think dealing with life on life's terms is difficult for many people - alcoholic or not. I mean, really, avoidance is practically a national pastime. People spend too much money, eat too much, don't eat enough, go to therapy, go on meds, use drugs, have sex, and do a host of other things to feel better. Almost everyone I know has some sort of vice or issue. (And the few that don't I probably just don't know well enough). And, although they probably all stem from different triggers, I think it all boils down to ultimately, not wanting to deal. Life is hard. It is awesome too, and I know that without the lows you don't have the highs. I get that. I understand that logically. But, the lows are still hurtful.
As an alcoholic, I have not felt much in the last several years. I was anesthetized most of the time. Now that I am in (very) early sobriety, I am starting to feel again. And, oh my God, it sucks. I am not talking about anything life shattering - just basic stuff. Basic emotions that I drowned for so long feel very raw. I can only hope that it gets better. I have always prided myself on my ability to be fairly stoic. I don't cry much. I am a taskmaster, a list maker, and I get things done. Alcohol allowed me the ability to do that believe it or not. Now, I am defenseless, and I have to admit that it hurts. And, I have to deal with it.
I think for the most part, I am doing ok. I am doing the work. I never really understood that phrase. People who said they are "working on themselves" confused me. I would get a picture in my mind of them hunched over a desk writing furiously. They would look up with a furrowed brow and then start writing again.
I am doing the work now, and in my case, it is basically just feeling - and not trying to run from myself. Pretty basic stuff. I have faith that if I keep trying, it will get better.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Three Months....
Today is my 3 month anniversary of being sober. It is such a very small milestone - truly. I was at a meeting last night where the celebrant was 18 years sober. I am a newcomer - I am in very early sobriety. I have had many people tell me that 5 years is still early sobriety. And, honestly, it makes sense. I hear stories every day about people with many years sober who "go back out" (which is what many alcoholics call relapsing). Sobriety - whether it be early, middle, or late - can be a very tenuous thing.
I am, nonetheless, proud of my accomplishment. I cautiously look forward to many more months, weeks, years, and decades of celebrations.
I am, nonetheless, proud of my accomplishment. I cautiously look forward to many more months, weeks, years, and decades of celebrations.
Friday, February 22, 2008
This could get old....
Tonight was my first wedding since I got sober.
My cousin had a very small gathering (20 people). My sister was the photographer and I was her plus one.
I sat next to my cousin's father, who I haven't seen in forever (he and my Aunt divorced like 30 years ago). He is a big joker, never serious. He leaned over to me and whispered, "Between you and me, her family is a bunch of drunks. That is why we aren't having booze here."
I smiled and laughed a little nervously and he said, "I'm not kidding." I said, "I am sure you aren't."
When it came time for the toast, I sipped my water instead of the glass I was given, since I didn't know what it was. My aunt came over and said, "That isn't alcoholic if you want to have it."
My cousin's dad's eyes got large and he said, loudly, "Are you an alcoholic?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I am."
It was just so stupid. I don't want to have to deal with this crap for the rest of my life.
My cousin had a very small gathering (20 people). My sister was the photographer and I was her plus one.
I sat next to my cousin's father, who I haven't seen in forever (he and my Aunt divorced like 30 years ago). He is a big joker, never serious. He leaned over to me and whispered, "Between you and me, her family is a bunch of drunks. That is why we aren't having booze here."
I smiled and laughed a little nervously and he said, "I'm not kidding." I said, "I am sure you aren't."
When it came time for the toast, I sipped my water instead of the glass I was given, since I didn't know what it was. My aunt came over and said, "That isn't alcoholic if you want to have it."
My cousin's dad's eyes got large and he said, loudly, "Are you an alcoholic?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I am."
It was just so stupid. I don't want to have to deal with this crap for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
You are one of them?
Tonight I went to an AA meeting I regularly go to. There is also an al-anon meeting at the same location, at the same time.
As I was getting out of my car, I noticed a woman, who looked similar in age and economic status to me, getting out of her car, a bit uncertainly. She had the "look." Even though I am a mere infant in sobriety, I can spot a newcomer a mile away. She sized me up - she noticed my minivan with a carseat, my attractive coach bag, and my preppy scarf. She smiled and asked in an almost whisper, "Is this where the al-anon meeting is?" I nodded and told her it was. She asked where once you get inside, and I told her I would take her. As we walked in, she told me it had been a long while since she had been to a meeting. She said, "We have to come very once in awhile though, right? It is important for our sanity." I smiled and nodded again, and showed her the door to the al-anon meeting. Then I walked on to the next room, which had the AA sign on the door. I turned around and grinned at her. She looked shocked.
You never can tell.
As I was getting out of my car, I noticed a woman, who looked similar in age and economic status to me, getting out of her car, a bit uncertainly. She had the "look." Even though I am a mere infant in sobriety, I can spot a newcomer a mile away. She sized me up - she noticed my minivan with a carseat, my attractive coach bag, and my preppy scarf. She smiled and asked in an almost whisper, "Is this where the al-anon meeting is?" I nodded and told her it was. She asked where once you get inside, and I told her I would take her. As we walked in, she told me it had been a long while since she had been to a meeting. She said, "We have to come very once in awhile though, right? It is important for our sanity." I smiled and nodded again, and showed her the door to the al-anon meeting. Then I walked on to the next room, which had the AA sign on the door. I turned around and grinned at her. She looked shocked.
You never can tell.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Last weekend
Last weekend was an annual racquetball tournament at the YMCA. My father and I have volunteered at them for many years. This was the first time I had to do it sober.
On Wednesday, my friend Gary came over to work on the draw. He brought a twelve pack of beer. I smiled, thanked him, and told him I actually quit - to lose weight. My father was here and he told him to take it right back out to his car. (Yeah, like that didn't sound suspicious.) Gary looked confused. I didn't want to get into a big discussion about it, and I don't feel comfortable enough with him to tell him that I am an alcoholic - and plus it really isn't his business. There isn't any reason for him to know right now.
That was all fine. So, on Saturday, at the tournament, I was doing fine. And then a friend of my father's, who I often drank with at the tournaments (I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic) asked me if we were partying that night. I smiled and said sure a little bit. In my head I was thinking, "Shit."
I started to get really nervous, and really edgy. I hadn't thought that far ahead. The banquet on Saturday night is always a big drinking event. And, after the banquet, we usually go to a bar or someone's house or something to continue the party. I wondered if I should still go. One of the things I often hear at AA is, "You don't go to a whorehouse to listen to the piano player." But, there was a legitimate reason to go to the party. I was running the tournament.
I tried to do what I have been taught in AA. I knew I had to talk to an alcoholic. No-one else would do. My husband talked with me, but he doesn't understand. I often run into AA members at the Y, so I started wandering around looking for alcoholics. And, just my luck, no-one was there.
I pulled out the 30 or so phone numbers I have from people I have met and started calling the people I felt most comfortable with - but no-one was home. I hate the whole calling thing. AA members have been asking me almost every day if I was calling people. I get kind-of offended and say there is no need. I am BUSY. I have a life. I don't have time to call random strangers and babble about the weather. I have been told that it is vitally important because then if you are in a situation where you feel like you need to talk to someone, you have a network already. You have already made that first awkward call. I was pretty convinced that I would never need to call any of these people. I am doing just fine on my own, thank you very much.
But, let me tell you, Saturday night I would have killed for one of those alcoholics to answer the phone. I get it now. I know why I need to do it. I never thought I would feel the need to actually call and just have someone say, "I know how you are feeling." But, I wanted to hear it from someone else who had been there.
As it was, I didn't hear it from another alcoholic that night. But, I went to the party and drank my club soda and lime, and my husband drank his diet coke. And, it was a bit uncomfortable. I felt strange - like a fish out of water. I survived though. And, I didn't drink.
On Wednesday, my friend Gary came over to work on the draw. He brought a twelve pack of beer. I smiled, thanked him, and told him I actually quit - to lose weight. My father was here and he told him to take it right back out to his car. (Yeah, like that didn't sound suspicious.) Gary looked confused. I didn't want to get into a big discussion about it, and I don't feel comfortable enough with him to tell him that I am an alcoholic - and plus it really isn't his business. There isn't any reason for him to know right now.
That was all fine. So, on Saturday, at the tournament, I was doing fine. And then a friend of my father's, who I often drank with at the tournaments (I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic) asked me if we were partying that night. I smiled and said sure a little bit. In my head I was thinking, "Shit."
I started to get really nervous, and really edgy. I hadn't thought that far ahead. The banquet on Saturday night is always a big drinking event. And, after the banquet, we usually go to a bar or someone's house or something to continue the party. I wondered if I should still go. One of the things I often hear at AA is, "You don't go to a whorehouse to listen to the piano player." But, there was a legitimate reason to go to the party. I was running the tournament.
I tried to do what I have been taught in AA. I knew I had to talk to an alcoholic. No-one else would do. My husband talked with me, but he doesn't understand. I often run into AA members at the Y, so I started wandering around looking for alcoholics. And, just my luck, no-one was there.
I pulled out the 30 or so phone numbers I have from people I have met and started calling the people I felt most comfortable with - but no-one was home. I hate the whole calling thing. AA members have been asking me almost every day if I was calling people. I get kind-of offended and say there is no need. I am BUSY. I have a life. I don't have time to call random strangers and babble about the weather. I have been told that it is vitally important because then if you are in a situation where you feel like you need to talk to someone, you have a network already. You have already made that first awkward call. I was pretty convinced that I would never need to call any of these people. I am doing just fine on my own, thank you very much.
But, let me tell you, Saturday night I would have killed for one of those alcoholics to answer the phone. I get it now. I know why I need to do it. I never thought I would feel the need to actually call and just have someone say, "I know how you are feeling." But, I wanted to hear it from someone else who had been there.
As it was, I didn't hear it from another alcoholic that night. But, I went to the party and drank my club soda and lime, and my husband drank his diet coke. And, it was a bit uncomfortable. I felt strange - like a fish out of water. I survived though. And, I didn't drink.
Why did I quit drinking?
That seems to be the $1000 question. My friends unanimously sounded shocked by my admission that I quit drinking and joined AA. One even called me back 2 hours after I told her asking EXACTLY what happened. Did I get arrested? Did I hurt myself or my kids? Did I get in a drunk driving accident?
Nope. Nope. And nope.
I have known for years that my drinking was out of control, but it seemed too difficult to even attempt to deal with it. I was good at hiding how much I drank - and no-one except my husband had any idea of how much I was drinking. I am not going to put every detail out here - at least not now - but I will say that I drank every day, with maybe a few days off (total) in the last 3 years. No, I am not exaggerating. I will also say that the number you are thinking in your head about how many beers each night.....you can probably safely double it. I passed out most nights.
I made promises to myself every day. I would look in the mirror in the morning and say "I hate what I am seeing. I need to stop drinking." And, I would have good intentions. But, by noon I would usually know that I was going to drink again that afternoon. And, almost without fail, I would.
I felt sick every single day. I wasn't hungover most days - not in the way you are thinking. I basically felt poorly all day long every day.
Monday, November 26th, 2007, I woke up feeling the same as every other day. But, when I looked in the mirror I started crying. And, I cried all day. I cried driving in the car. I cried at yoga. I cried looking up AA meetings online. I had done that so many times, but never actually went to one.
When my husband came home I cried to him, and told him I couldn't stand myself and I was going to a meeting. He said that sounded like a good idea.
I headed out at 7:30 to an AA meeting at a church. It was pouring rain. I was wearing my yoga clothes, my hair was a wreck, and I was starting to go into alcohol withdrawal. I was terrified. I wasn't sure what I was expecting.
I met several nice people that night - one of whom took me under his wing. He is a 22 year old gay kid and I smile when I think of him. His kindness got me to come back the next day, and the next.
So much happened the next few weeks, but that is for other posts. I am coming up on 3 months sober, and I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. I have horrible days, and good days, and great days - and that is what it is supposed to be like.
Nope. Nope. And nope.
I have known for years that my drinking was out of control, but it seemed too difficult to even attempt to deal with it. I was good at hiding how much I drank - and no-one except my husband had any idea of how much I was drinking. I am not going to put every detail out here - at least not now - but I will say that I drank every day, with maybe a few days off (total) in the last 3 years. No, I am not exaggerating. I will also say that the number you are thinking in your head about how many beers each night.....you can probably safely double it. I passed out most nights.
I made promises to myself every day. I would look in the mirror in the morning and say "I hate what I am seeing. I need to stop drinking." And, I would have good intentions. But, by noon I would usually know that I was going to drink again that afternoon. And, almost without fail, I would.
I felt sick every single day. I wasn't hungover most days - not in the way you are thinking. I basically felt poorly all day long every day.
Monday, November 26th, 2007, I woke up feeling the same as every other day. But, when I looked in the mirror I started crying. And, I cried all day. I cried driving in the car. I cried at yoga. I cried looking up AA meetings online. I had done that so many times, but never actually went to one.
When my husband came home I cried to him, and told him I couldn't stand myself and I was going to a meeting. He said that sounded like a good idea.
I headed out at 7:30 to an AA meeting at a church. It was pouring rain. I was wearing my yoga clothes, my hair was a wreck, and I was starting to go into alcohol withdrawal. I was terrified. I wasn't sure what I was expecting.
I met several nice people that night - one of whom took me under his wing. He is a 22 year old gay kid and I smile when I think of him. His kindness got me to come back the next day, and the next.
So much happened the next few weeks, but that is for other posts. I am coming up on 3 months sober, and I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. I have horrible days, and good days, and great days - and that is what it is supposed to be like.
Why a recovery blog?
Good question. Since I stopped drinking (on 11/26/07), I have had so many thoughts to share. Funny thoughts, ironic thoughts, sad thoughts, angry thoughts, and even important thought provoking thoughts. However, sobriety can be an isolating thing. Sure, most of my friends and family know that I am an alcoholic, but it isn't something I want to bore them with day in and day out. And, let's face it, it would be flat out strange to say to one of the other moms at preschool that I was dying for a beer. It is not a good way to get playdates.
There is AA of course, and I am faithfully attending (although not always as often as I should). I have the beginning of a good support network. But, like anything, it doesn't come overnight. I do not have 100 new best friends who I want to share every thought with.
Additionally, the experience of actually telling people that I have been going to AA is interesting. People are VERY interested in what goes on behind those doors. Not the confidential stuff - but actual mundane things - like what we do and how it works and how you know where to go. It is interesting I suppose - since it is something that is very secretive. So, I am happy to share information about AA - not confidential stuff, but the basics. Hopefully it can help someone else - or maybe just help someone understand what those alcoholics are doing in there.
So, that is the why of this blog. I hope it will be a place to chronicle my journey and to help others (including my non-alcoholic friends) understand.
There is AA of course, and I am faithfully attending (although not always as often as I should). I have the beginning of a good support network. But, like anything, it doesn't come overnight. I do not have 100 new best friends who I want to share every thought with.
Additionally, the experience of actually telling people that I have been going to AA is interesting. People are VERY interested in what goes on behind those doors. Not the confidential stuff - but actual mundane things - like what we do and how it works and how you know where to go. It is interesting I suppose - since it is something that is very secretive. So, I am happy to share information about AA - not confidential stuff, but the basics. Hopefully it can help someone else - or maybe just help someone understand what those alcoholics are doing in there.
So, that is the why of this blog. I hope it will be a place to chronicle my journey and to help others (including my non-alcoholic friends) understand.
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