Hi!

I have people who read my blog (I just noticed comments from a couple new people). That is so neat. Hi! I started this as a way to write out some feelings and to sort-of work things out in my head, and also to share some stuff with my friends who are not in recovery in any way (as I have struggled from the beginning with trying to explain things so my old friends - not in recovery - can understand.) I have kind-of used this blog as a place to just vent, and I have often felt weird for putting some of this out there (and a little uncomfortable). In fact, I thought about deleting it recently. But, since it seems ok, I will keep it up and also keep adding to it sometimes.

Christmas was a bit tough. Holidays can be rough. I went to several meetings (almost one every day) over the last week, though, and had some really great conversations with others in recovery, and that has really helped. It is amazing how sharing and talking with others can make you feel so much better. I really am amazed at how the program can work.

Grrrrrrrr........

I feel like a crazy woman today. I have been yelling at my son since we got home, and he is yelling back at me. I feel myself losing control, and it makes me want to scream. Parenting an 8 year old - an 8 year old who is willful and very much like yourself with a fiery temper - is hard.

I just want 5 minutes of peace and quiet. 5 Minutes. Is that too much to ask? I get home from work, feed the kids, ship stuff for my business (basically a second job), get the kids cleaned up, fold laundry, do dishes, make lunches, check homework, etc, etc, etc. All I want to do is shut my eyes and chill, but there is too much to do. Too much to do tonight, too much to do tomorrow at work, too much to do this weekend. There are Christmas lights all around our neighborhood. I haven't even figured out where we can fit the tree! I am so far behind at work. I am a bad housekeeper, an uncreative cook, and I spend far too much money. I just feel like a bad person. I know deep down that I am not, but that negative self talk just never stops.

I am overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed I want to drink. Not because I particularly like drinking, but because I want to forget, relax, shut off for awhile. It was like a complete shut off of my chattering head. I could drown out the insecurity and worry and stress with gallons of Coors Light. Eventually, I would forget all the crap and just be.

The ranting and raving makes me crazy. Crazy because it is alcoholic behavior. I
sound like a bad mother, a crazy woman, or even worse, my father circa 1987. I know it is bad behavior. I just don't know how to stop.

Well, I do know. I should have gone to a meeting tonight. I should have shut up and just gone. My husband is traveling for work (and will be every week until Christmas - which makes me even more overwhelmed - being essentially a single mother sucks), but I called my dad (and yelled at him too), but he said he would come over to watch the kids if I wanted. I declined. I should have said yes.

Tomorrow I am going to wake the kids up early, get them to daycare early, and go to my 7:30 AM meeting. I need to. For me, and for them. They deserve a calm and serene mother. Not a lunatic who feels sorry for herself.

One year

Today is my one year anniversary. It happens to be both the day I celebrated at my home group - and also my exact anniversary (in my home group, we celebrate on the last Wednesday of the month - this month, it happens to be on my actual anniversary).

I feel overwhelmed by the outpouring of love I had from my AA friends. It was just such a nice meeting.

The morning meeting I go to regularly also had a celebration for me this morning. I feel totally celebrated out! One of my AA friends, who has been sober for 6 years and is a person I know in the work world outside of AA, gave me his one year chip. I feel honored to have the chip he carried for so long. I just hope someday I can give it to someone else.

It was a nice day. :)

Feeling Blue....

and I am not sure why.

I am coming up on my one year anniversary. That is a good thing. I will be celebrating at my home group. My friend T, the young guy who befriended me the very first night I went to AA, is taking me out to lunch on my anniversary. He is my closest AA friend, and we get along great. Then we will shop a little. I am taking the day off work and it will just be a nice day. Then, we will go to our evening meeting.

Even though my home group is a closed meeting, we allow non-alcoholics at the celebration meetings. My husband is coming to my anniversary, as is my mother. My father will be out of town. I am kind-of bummed about that. When he told me he and my stepmother were going to see my stepsister in California for Thanksgiving, I was like, "Oh. But you will miss my anniversary." He simply said, "I'm not skipping the trip for that."

That hurt my feelings. I guess maybe he doesn't get that it is a big deal to me. He doesn't ask much about it. He is really occupied with taking care of my sister, and I know I shouldn't be so sensitive about it.

My inner twelve year old is just asking, "What about me?"

I just have so much going on. I am feeling overwhelmed with work and the kids and just life in general. When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down and hide. I know that I should do the opposite - I should go to more meetings. My instinct is to isolate.

Oh well...it will be fine.

My real test.....

Last night was what I would consider a huge test of my sobriety.

I had to go on a retreat for work. It involved the management team (18 of us) going into the woods, playing team building games, eating a few meals together, socializing at night, and then sleeping in cabins together.

When I first started at my job, I heard tales about last year's retreat. The stories involved large amounts of alcohol, people staying up until 4 AM, some totally inappropriate behavior, and just general craziness. Mind you, this is the type of craziness I would have been all over when I drank. I would have loved it.

When I heard a couple weeks ago that this year's retreat was October 9, I started worrying. How would I deal with all the alcohol? In AA, I often hear about not putting yourself in dangerous situations. And, in most cases, I can deal with that. I might put myself in a tricky situation (like going to a bar with co-workers), but I have my car and I can leave whenever I feel uncomfortable. If the smell of the alcohol affects me (and sometimes it does - not in a "Oh my God I have to have that" way, but it is disturbing), I can get out of the situation. I always have an out.

In this case, there really was no out. I couldn't leave - this is my job and I have to be a team player. I pondered over the various things I could do. I spoke about it at meetings, with my sponsor, and with other alcoholics. My sponsor was really much of the mindset that I should feign illness after the official stuff was done and go home (and then come back the next morning so as not to miss the important stuff). I didn't feel comfortable with that. I thought about just being honest with my boss - he knows I don't drink. He has never asked why, and I have never volunteered why. I could tell him I am an alcoholic, that the after party festivities would be too difficult for me to participate in, and that I would like to leave at night and come back in the morning. However, I nixed that idea. It didn't seem right.

I actually was really enjoying myself for the first part of the retreat. It was a beautiful day, my co-workers are actually pretty cool people, and we were relaxing and doing work stuff that was relatively fun. I enjoy being social, and this was very nice.

After dinner, people started breaking out the alcohol. I was ok while we were still inside finishing up some agenda items, but when we retired to the outside campfire I started getting really jittery. People were passing over the pleasantly buzzed phase to loud, obnoxiously trashed stage. I called my sponsor and talked for a few minutes, and it really helped me calm down. She made me not feel like such an outsider - which is very much what I sometimes feel like when everyone is drinking and enjoying themselves and I am watching.

Once people became seriously drunk, I felt gratitude. I watched a beautiful 25 year old woman drink red wine straight from a box. Our co-worker (who she was cuddling up with all night, even though she lives with her boyfriend) held it up high and poured it into her mouth, and then she spit it out and it went all over her clothes. She walked around like that all night, and actually wore that shirt the next morning at the work session. The red wine stain made it look like she had been stabbed. She yelled the same racist comment all night, and each time she explained to us why it wasn't racist. I could tell she had something important to say, but the louder and more jumbled her words got, the less anyone understood her. By the end of the night, she was crying that she missed her cats and calling one of her best friends an asshole for no reason.

I don't say this to demean her, because I was her at one time. I know the shame and guilt she felt this morning as she shuffled into the session, hungover, stomach churning, while being filled in on the stuff she blacked out.

As one of our senior management members and I were packing up our cabin this morning, she told me that the young woman who got so drunk had been having more and more blackouts, and that she and the young woman's mom have tried to talk with her about her drinking. She said she was really worried about her.

I mentioned casually that I had a lot of resources if the young woman ever wanted to talk, and I would be happy to talk with her. My co-worker said that many of us had friends and family who were affected by alcoholism, and many of us could help her, but she didn't seem ready yet. I looked her right in the eye and said, "Or ourselves." She looked surprised and hugged me (she is really touchy-feely). I told her if our young friend ever mentioned that she wanted help, to send her my way. I also said that of course this was told to her in confidence. She seemed offended I even felt the need to say that.

I feel a little weird about telling her that I am an alcoholic. I do feel it was appropriate given the circumstances. And, I do trust her.

I think the really big thing though, is that I am proud of my behavior. I didn't do anything to be embarrassed about, so why would I be embarrassed about the fact that I am an alcoholic? Being an alcoholic has helped bring me to a good place about myself. I have a dignity I never had before. That is a gift.

I am such a gadget geek

It is kind-of embarrassing how gadget crazy I am.

I just ordered this.

It is a seltzer maker. My husband, who thinks I spend entirely too much money on what he calls crap, actually encouraged this purchase. I think it has something to do with the 40 pound cases of Perrier water I have him lug home from BJ's. I make him get like 4 cases at a time, because I need to drink Perrier water all the time. Seriously, I drink it constantly.

When I quit drinking beer, I needed something to drink. So, I chose Perrier. When I am at home, I drink it all night long. It has gotten kind-of expensive. So, I decided to make my own. We will see how it goes. I can also make soda with it - if my husband likes it, we could actually save money on his diet coke habit as well.

This may actually rival my other newest purchase.....

This

I use that machine every day at work. My boss says we should put a little sign outside my office and I could make some money selling coffee. But, it totally saves me from spending $3.74 each day on a dunkin donuts caramel latte.

Sometimes you have to spend money to save money. At least that is what I keep saying......

Still Sick

Man, being sick with a small child underfoot sucks.

I woke up this morning and realized there was no way I was making it into work. I felt like I had been run over by a bus.

I emailed my boss and told him I was still sick, what the doctor(s) (for me and the kids) said yesterday, and that I would be in at 6:30 AM tomorrow since my son has an early field trip and I have an early meeting in Saratoga. I also told him I had work here (but I actually haven't done any of it) and I was available by phone if anyone needs me.

He emailed me back, "Slacker. You just want to hang by the pool. Feel better soon."

I figured that meant he wasn't upset (I am feeling a tad guilty because we don't actually get vacation or sick time or anything until we have been working for 6 months. I already planned a mini getaway at the end of the summer taking two unearned days off, with his blessing, before the 6 month mark, so I was really hoping that I could get away with not taking any sick time yet. Oh well.) Anyway, it is much harder being sick with children around.

I finally called my dad, practically in tears, telling him he needed to bring dinner over. My stepmother called back and I asked if my daughter could spend the night over there - and she said yes! I am so happy. Otherwise, I would have to bring her over at 6 AM - this way, I won't have to wake her up. Plus, I can relax tonight without her hanging on me.

I actually feel a bit better. But, I will feel even less sick when I have peace and quiet.

Hi!

I'm still here.

We are sick. All of us.

It started with my daughter croupy coughing last Friday morning at 3 AM. I swear, between her and my son, I can identify croup without even waking up. This particular night, however, I was already awake, cursing my new sore throat. I started hitting my husband going "Croup. Croup. Croup. A kid has croup." (I wasn't sure which kid yet - my son - at 8 - still gets it occasionally!).

My husband successfully continued sleeping, so I wandered into my daughter's room, scooped her up, and brought her into my room. I could tell by the cough that it wasn't hospital worthy (we have had to bring my son in when all the steam and cold air techniques didn't work - he needed breathing treatments a couple times), so I settled her in next to me and tried to sleep. Except every three seconds she coughed. When my children are sick, I like them next to me. Unless they are vomiting.

So, I was up for the day at 3 AM - and I had already been up for an hour being pissed that my throat hurt. I made it to work by 9. My father came over to watch my daughter. I went home at noon, and slept on the couch with my baby girl.

All weekend, we did nothing. I was trying to get better. I did make it to two meetings.

Today, we feel worse. So, off we went to the doctors, and both my children, and I, are now on antibiotics. They also are on steroids. I have to go to work tomorrow, so I am hoping we will all be on the mend by then!

So bleeping stubborn....

I have felt - just discontent - all day. Like I was going out of my skin. I haven't been going to enough meetings - and feel myself falling into the familiar cycle of "Oh, I don't need to go. Oh, wait, yes I do. Ah, no, I don't..." Frankly, it is ridiculous that I spend this much time stressing about it. Just DO it. Listen to directions.

Today was just a tough day. My sister had a rough morning, and it really set me off. I went to a meeting, and on my way home, seriously contemplated drinking. It was such a weird feeling. It wasn't like I was craving alcohol (I actually had a hard time remembering what beer even tastes like) - I was craving the idea of just not feeling. Just today. It was Saturday - a gorgeous day, and I wanted to drink.

I came home and we swam with the kids. I just felt unsettled all day, and I still do. I could appreciate the beauty of my children, and their smiles, and the day - but in the background was this unhappy feeling.

I have been sober - what - almost 8 months. I have had more ups and downs than I can count. I can go from ecstatic to weepy in 5 minutes flat. I guess part of that is life. Feelings happen. I just have to ride it out - and not try to escape from it.

It is 9:17 Pm - the kids are asleep, and I didn't drink. That is a good thing.

Once again, no coincidences

Today I was in my jammies, watching tv, talking with the kids when I felt like I needed to go to a meeting. As I mentioned yesterday, I have been wrestling with the whole idea of being an alcoholic, following directions, and having to spend all this time in meetings. Part of me wants to say screw it. I don't plan on drinking - just not following all the AA stuff.

But, today I felt compelled to go toa meeting. So, I went (in my t-shirt and ratty shorts), and when I got there my ex-cousin-in law J was there, with her parents! (It was an open meeting, so non alcoholics are allowed). J married my cousin about 3 years ago. They divorced after just a year. My son was the ring bearor in their wedding. J joined AA as they were breaking up. I ran into her at my very first meeting, and we have become friendly again. Anyway, J and my cousin (his name also begins with J) got married in July, and 2 weeks after their wedding, my other cousin K (J's 40 year old brother) died.

K was an alcoholic. The night he died, he drank too much and fell down his stairs. He basically broke his neck. That was a Saturday evening - his dad broke into his locked house on Monday morning because he wasn't answering his phone and found him. K and I drank the same kind of beer. He was my favorite cousin - I saw something of myself in him. He was charismatic and fun - before he became so desperately addicted to alcohol.

Until tonight, I had never shared that in a meeting. I have never really considered how it affected me and my alcohol use/abuse. I knew I was an alcoholic, even as we were burying my cousin . I truly didn't connect how that could kill me though. I never drank and drove. I wasn't an old woman who drank vodka out of a bottle; I was a young mom drinking beers to relax. Now I see the connection. AA has shown me that I was headed down the same path as my cousin. I could be there in a blink of an eye. If I continued to drink, I would get there eventually. It is guaranteed. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I had never really pondered what that meant before I joined AA. What it means is - I will continue to drink until I die - unless I stop.

So, tonight I heard from K, who I always enjoy listening to, and then my friend M, who is so sweet. She mentioned how if she continued drinking she would die - maybe from falling down and hitting her head.

A lightbulb literally went off above my head. THAT is why I was at that meeting. There are no coincidences. I was meant to hear that - and be reminded that I could be my cousin K. And, that I need AA. Even if I get pissy and don't want to listen to directions, or go to meetings. I have to. It is a matter of life and death.

I stopped at the cemetary on my way home from the meeting, and thanked my cousin for what he has taught me. His death was not meaningless. He is helping to save me. And, it is my job to keep going to meetings and help other alcoholics.

Not wanting to follow directions

I have never been great at following directions. I like to play by my own rules. Do my own thing.

I went out for a drink (club soda and lime) with a few women from work last Thursday. We went to a bar. I perched up on a stool and sipped my drink while they sipped their beers. No-one really cared that I wasn't drinking as far as I could tell. I have said, several times, that I don't drink and no-one has even bothered to ask me why (Thank God!). I did have a kind-of hard time after the golf tournament that I planned on Monday - it went very well, and everyone from my boss to several players wanted to buy me a drink after it was over. I smiled and got a club soda a couple times, and no-one thought that was too terrible I guess.

So, when I talked to my sponsor on Friday, I told her I went out for a drink with people from work. And that I did NOT drink. There was a terrible silence on the phone. She was disappointed, I could tell. She started telling me about all the people she has known who have relapsed, and how many of them started off just going to a bar.

Frankly, it annoyed me. Don't treat me like a baby.

But, there is a little voice nagging in the back of my head that is sort-of telling me maybe she is right. I wasn't feeling a pull to drink that night. Everyone in AA who has any time tells me what a killer this disease is. I have a disease that tries to trick me into thinking I don't have a disease. And, it does a pretty good job of it. So, even though I wasn't compelled to drink, that night, that bar visit may have some lasting effects that I am not completely aware of.

But, damn it, I don't want to be different.

And, I am so annoyed that I haven't called my sponsor, or been to a meeting, since. I haven't had a drink, and do not believe that I will - but I am feeling "over" AA.

I know that is not smart. There are people out there who don't drink but don't attend any formal program. I am sure (now) I could do that. But, I am learning things in AA that I feel are important. It isn't just bullshit. So, maybe I should just suck it up and continue to go - and follow the directions of others who have come before me.

I don't know.

Tonight was my first party

at my friend J's since I stopped drinking. J and I have been friends for a very long time, and we are very close. She was at the birth of both of my children. We have an assortment of memories together - vacations, parties, bbqs, birthdays, holidays, etc. Most of them include alcohol. J is a friend I met when I met my husband, about 13 years ago. We don't have many memories together of not drinking, like I do with some of my other friends (even friends who I also have memories of with alcohol). In other words, I may have lots of memories of Sheil and I drinking together (or at list dim recollections, if not exactly memories), but I also have a million memories of Sheil and I NOT drinking together. There aren't too many memories I have of J where alcohol wasn't involved.

Not that we drank constantly or necessarily in huge amounts. But, most things that we did included alcohol, in at least small amounts, on some level. Vacationing on the Vineyard with the kids? Beer on the beach. Wine at dinner. Beer while playing cards after the kids went to sleep.

Dinner at their house? Wine with dinner. Beer by the pool watching the kids run around. Game night at our house? Margarita night. Everything we did included alcohol. Summer bbqs wouldn't be complete without a large amount of alcohol. When we were younger, it was in kegs. As we matured and had children, we switched to bottles. Holiday parties always include a well stocked bar, tons of beer, and gallons of wine.

So, I skipped the Holiday party at J's this past Christmas. I couldn't face all that alcohol so soon. But, we were invited to the Memorial Day party tonight and I wanted to go.

It was odd. Not bad, necessarily. It is weird to be home and not drunk. I watched everyone else drink - not a ton, but my friend drinks kind of a lot. It might be what attracted me to her in the first place. I felt a little out of it - not quite a part of the scene, but I also felt much more in control of myself. I never considered myself a loud or obnoxious drunk - but being there and not wondering if I was talking too loud or saying something stupid was a nice feeling. I think I may have been way more out of control than I let myself believe.

Plus, as an aside, I was able to participate much more with the kids. Not that I hovered around them - one of the best things about our friends is that our kids can play together well and not need us to hover, but I was able to join in with some of the games and help the kids get their plates made (all the kids, not just mine).

I respect myself more right now. I think what is so tragic is that I didn't realize I didn't respect myself when I was in the throes of it.

It did feel odd sitting around the fire without a drink and that familiar anesthetic. The feeling of NOT feeling. I missed it - but I realized I also liked the respect and dignity I felt. I loved the laughter that came from my gut, not from a bottle. I guess everything is a give and take. I gave something up, but I truly think I am on the verge of something better.

The Pink Cloud

In recovery, "the pink cloud" is often mentioned anytime a newcomer looks happy.

I guess the phenomenon is basically the ability to feel happy after feeling shitty for so long. From what I have heard, that cloud ends when you start to deal with real life.

I was accused of being on a pink cloud today, simply because I am happy. My life is going well. I love my family, I love my job, I love my life. I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be again. I am positive that not drinking is a huge part of the reason I am doing well.

Do I have crappy days - sure! Some days are really hard. But, not impossible , which I think is the difference. I realize that I can get through it. I am learning the tools necessary to deal with life.

I can become complacent. I am guilty of often wondering if I can drink again someday. But, when I really think about it - it isn't worth it. I don't want to risk giving up what I have.

So, pink cloud or not, I am happy. And, proud of myself. And dumbfounded at the things I realize I may be able to accomplish.

La la la

Not drinking. Eating cake. If I get through year one without gaining 30 pounds I will consider myself a huge success.

Monday night and there is nothing I have to do. It is a nice feeling. Dishes done, laundry folded, kids almost in bed.

Yay. Go me!

The Alcoholic Voice......

I wish that voice would shut the hell up!

I can't help but think maybe I am not an alcoholic. I mean, here I am, hurtling towards the 6 month mark of being sober, and I am wondering if I was just imagining or exaggerating my alcoholic tendencies. The further away from a drink I am, the harder it is to remember the feelings. The bad feelings.

I have been told that this is completely normal. Everyone goes through this. The am I or aren't I debate. Every alcoholic believes they suffer from terminal uniqueness. That they are different from the hundreds of thousands of other alcoholics who walked through the doors of an AA meeting scared and embarrassed to death.

The thing is, I am royally annoyed that I have to spend time (lots of time) going to meetings. My sponsor says it is like medicine - my medicine for alcoholism is to go to meetings. If I had diabetes and I needed to take medicine to maintain my health, I would just do it. It would be a no-brainer. But, now that I have more demands on my time since I am working, I resent having to go to meetings. Like tonight, I left the office at 5:30, came home, saw the kids, ate dinner, checked the mail, did the laundry, and said "screw it" to going back out to a meeting. I am too tired. And, other days I have yoga. I try to always make it to my homegroup, but I really should go to more than one meeting a week.

Grumble grumble. There is a meeting every weekday morning from 7:30 to 8:30 AM - I really like to get to work by 8 AM, but maybe I will try to catch that meeting a couple days a week.

And, I have to remind myself, constantly, about the state of my life last November, when I stumbled into a meeting dazed and confused. Just because I lost a little weight and feel like the fuzziness has left my brain does not mean I can go back to drinking. I see the evidence of how quickly we can go back to the bottom every time I go to a meeting. One or two beers on the weekend would get me back to drinking daily faster than you can say Coors Light. I have to remember that.

Not alcohol related.......

but I had to share for my friends who recently realized we are getting older.

My boss came into my office today to ask me if I would be interested in joining a young professionals club that our local chamber of commerce is trying to develop. Of course, I said sure. He then told me that me and two co-workers were going to go. The co-workers are in their early to mid twenties. I actually remember one of them when he was a camper at the Y as a young child. I smiled and said, "Wow - I am excited to be considered on their level in terms of age." My boss asked how old I was, and I told him 34. He said, "Oh - you are young!" I don't feel it, but there is hope for us yet!

I just googled and it appears that most young professional clubs cater to those under 40. I mentioned that to my husband who said, "Well, you get to be in it for a few years at least." Thanks honey.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Seriously. Wah Wah Wah. I am so sick of how whiney I sound and feel every single day.

I don't have a lot to say that sounds good right now. I just feel shell shocked with the blows we have been dealt lately. I really wanted to drink today. It just sneaks up on me - I drove by a bar owned by a friend of my dad's and I thought I could slip in, have a drink, and no-one would be the wiser (except my dad's friend, but he wouldn't rat me out). I never stopped at bars on my own when I was drinking. I was an at home drinker - I went out with friends sometimes, but I didn't spend a lot of time in bars.

I didn't stop, because I knew I couldn't, but the force was compelling. I could taste it.

Instead I am eating cake like it is going out of style.

Want to go out for a drink?

Um. Well, I don't know.

My boss's assistant asked me to go out with the other ladies from work tonight for a drink. I told her I had an appointment. Then one of the other women from work emailed me asking me to go. Again, I begged off.

I am not sure how long I can get away with this before I am either 1.) deemed a snob or 2.) labeled weird anti-social girl.

I would like to go, and socialize, and bond with my co-workers. I want to be normal. I want to be that person who can go out, have one drink, giggle with my friends, and go home. The plain truth is, I can't do that.

My alcoholic brain starts coming up with reasons as to why I actually can drink. I know that is wrong, so I instead start coming up with ways to not appear like an alcoholic. I considered going out, getting a drink, and just holding it. Yeah, that is a pretty stupid (and relatively dangerous!) idea. So, I am now at, go, say I don't feel like drinking, and getting a soda. Which could still be dangerous, frankly. It is usually suggested in early sobriety that you don't go hang out at bars.

Or, I guess I could flat out say, "I don't drink." I don't have to go into a lengthy explanation. I can just say I don't drink. I don't owe anyone a reason. For some reason though, that seems so much harder than just pretending I am a drinker who is not drinking that particular night.

I remember at one of my first jobs out of college, one of my friends from there didn't drink. She never gave anyone a reason (and we were pretty close) - she just didn't drink. She went out with us, and drank soda. I always assumed her father (who she didn't have a relationship with) was an alcoholic and she didn't want to become one. It never crossed my mind that she could actually be an alcoholic. It was a foreign concept to me. I liked her a lot though - even though she wouldn't drink with me, so maybe I have a chance to still bond with my co-workers.

The disease can sneak up on you.....

and it is insidious.

I start to feel really comfortable - like, "Hah! This isn't so hard. I just don't drink and live my life. No biggie." I start to get complacent. I figure it isn't a big deal and I must have just gotten carried away there for a little bit (yeah, what, like 10 years?). I start to get cocky in my not drinking status. It isn't hard all the time. Most of the time it is not terribly hard. The not drinking isn't the hard part - the dealing with the feelings and life is.

Then, a sneaky little thought creeps in. I was driving home from my dad's today (after putting together 6 poster boards of pictures fro my grandmother's wake), and I thought, "Wow, a beer would taste so good right now. I deserve one. I am exhausted emotionally." And, of course, I immediately thought, "No! You know you can't drink." But, then, I was like, "But, look how good you have been - you are like super AA-er - no slip ups and you are almost at 5 months!" And then, "But, you deserve it!"

I know I can't - but it is just so crazy how the thought slips in.

Good Lord.....

This working thing sure takes up a lot of time!

We are all chugging along. Today is David's 8th birthday. Working mother guilty pleasure: $16 for 25 premade/decorated cupcakes at Price Chopper. I mean, that is
ridiculous. But, not having to bake at 10 PM last night for David's class was priceless.

Work is good. I like it so far. I did get a call from my dad yesterday saying "It is time. Come see your grandmother." I rushed over there and did feel terribly guilty after a little while when I said I had to get back to work. But, I did. It is my first real week. And, practically, I am going to have to take some time off for the funeral/wake soon - so I can't be completely MIA my first week! I will try to get over this afternoon for a little bit. The Hospice nurses took my grandmother off all of her meds except comfort meds, so it could be very quick (or not).

I haven't been a very good AA-er. I just don't have time. My new plan is to always make it to my home group (Wednesday nights) and try to get to 2 other meetings during the week. 3 a week isn't ideal for early sobriety, but I can only do what I can do.

Gotta go to work!

Tuesday.....

Work is so far, so good. I am off tomorrow and Friday since my boss is out of the office this week (I have been reading everything in my office. Today I wrote a mess of letters) and he told me to choose what I wanted to do this week in terms of working - I figured 3 out of 5 days was a decent start to ease into the grind.

I got a notice from the neurologist today and David has an appointment in Albany at the end of the month. It seems like an awful long time to wait and stress about this. I have been keeping track of his headaches - there have been several this week. I just am so worried.

So, that is the update. Work is good. Kids are good. I am good. Tired, but in a good way - the tired you feel after you have a productive day.

Today I am grateful for.....

1.) The Wedding Singer. EL and I are reciting the lines together as we watch it.

2.) Crock Pots.

3.) Steve Madden Heels

Friday Morning....

And I am bored. It is 8:06 AM, and I am wondering what I am going to do all day. I can't wait to start work Monday! (Remind me I said that when I am tearing my hair out in a few weeks).

David is home sick again (tummy still not great). Plus, I am just so worried about him. So, he is on the couch, Becca is running around downstairs, and I am just sitting here.

There is a meeting I like to go to at noon on Fridays, and my mom usually babysits for Becca, but she has an appointment this morning so I am pretty sure she isn't coming over. Plus, I am not going to be able to go to this meeting anymore anyway since I will be working. EL is still sick, but he has an interview with his boss today (same job; more money, just a different classification in the state system - he isn't expecting to get it because there are much more senior guys up for it, but he felt it was important to interview at least to show his interest for the future) so he went off to work.

We have a Church School retreat thing tomorrow morning for David's first communion, then the school's fun fair is tomorrow, and David has a birthday party tomorrow evening. Busy day. We may skip the fun fair since I want everyone healthy next week - in case I haven't mentioned it (ha!) I start work Monday. I think I may try on all my new clothes today and plan my outfits for next week. That would be productive. I might even make little cards listing everything right down to the shoes and accessories so I know what to put out each night. I bet I could even make an excel spreadsheet! Wow - this is the crazy crap my brain comes up with when it isn't bogged down with alcohol.

I also could plan dinners too. I may print up some crock pot recipes, make a list for the store on Sunday, and pre-make everything I can on Sunday so we will have easy meals next week.

Or, I could sit here and play on the internet. Or watch The Cosby Show with the kids (they love The Cosby Show!).

I spoke with my sponsor K for an hour last night. She is such an awesome woman. The sponsor is the person who helps you work through the 12 Steps. I have found the Steps to be pretty obscure. I mean, I understand them, but whenever I hear people refer to "working the steps" I am like, "What the heck are they doing? Committing them to memory?"

Right now, K and I are just getting to know each other. Sharing information about ourselves, our families, etc. Eventually, she will guide me through all of the steps. She did mention that for Step 1 (Step 1 is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable") I could start by writing about the times when I remember feeling powerless to alcohol. That is interesting, because there are a few things that are obvious standouts in my mind (like the time I ended up in a clinic with an IV in my arm in Utah because I was so sick from drinking), but when I started really thinking about it, there are things even from my childhood that fit.

Sheila will remember this one - a sleepover birthday party when we were very young (what - maybe 10 or 11 or 12?) and a party goer brought some alcohol. I pretended to sip it, but didn't because it was too scary. The parents found out and the offender was sent home (in case she got sick because she did drink some). We were sitting around birthday cake, all crying. I felt pretty powerless then. Of course, that didn't make me an alcoholic, but it is telling - that alcohol had such an effect on me at such a young age.

So, I guess I may start writing this stuff down in my Nightmare Before Christmas journal I got at Disney in January. See, Elissa, I KNEW it would come in handy!

Enough with the tests already...

I am getting a little sick of what I am considering tests of my sobriety. I get it. I am not going to drink. Drinking = bad for Krissy. Got it. Loud and clear. Enough with the tests already!

These last couple weeks have been trying.

To start, we all (except EL) got the tummy bug that seems to be going around. David started with it last Monday. He stayed home from school. He got better quickly. Then Friday Becca got it. She was throwing up every hour all night long. Saturday I started. Easter was spent lying on the couch moaning (me).

My sister is still kind-of a wreck, but we have stopped actively worrying about her since yesterday I got a call saying "It's time. Siti (my grandma) is dying. Get over there." So, I rushed over there, feeling like I was going to throw up, and we all stood over her waiting for her to die. She didn't die. I understand not wanting someone to be alone when they are dying - that I get, and I suppose that it is nice to be surrounded by your loved ones when you pass on, but man it makes you feel like a vulture sitting there staring at her. We went through this with my father in law (he didn't pass away until we all left the room. He was very stubborn), and more recently with my other grandmother. She was in the hospital dying for weeks. It was excruciating. So, anyway, Siti is still with us. She actually seemed better this morning my dad told me. So, I will pray for her and continue to visit.

Then, today, I got a phone call from David's doctor's office. He had a cat scan last week because he has been having headaches. They think they see some "fatty areas" on it and it wasn't a great picture, so they want him to go to a neurologist in Albany for a second opinion. I just googled fatty area on brain, and from what I can tell, that could be a tumor. Now I am terrified, even though they told me not to worry.

I can't deal with all of this. I start work next Monday (and am a bundle of nerves about that), I am still sick, and everything is coming apart. I know it will work out. It has to. My job will be understanding (I hope). EL has been at his job for a while now, and he can take some time off if he needs to to deal with this stuff. I have a list of things to do as long as my arm and all I want to do is sleep right now. I will rest today and hope I am no longer sick tomorrow and I can tackle my list.

You have got to be kidding me.....

Today I am frazzled. Absolutely frazzled. It was one of those days that I am running a thousand miles an hour and never feel like I have enough time to slow down and breathe. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I am looking forward to work. When I was at the Y today I poked my head into what I presume is my office, and it was so calm and quiet. And, there was a door. A door I can shut. It looks like a little slice of heaven.

So far today, I have:

Taken Becca to preschool.

Taken David with me on errands (he didn't have school today).

Gone to the Post Office.

Gone to my storage unit to pick up items to ship for my business.

Gone to Walmart to return a CD that I got David for Easter since when I casually mentioned them, he told me that "The Naked Brothers Band sucks rotten eggs."

Gone to Target to return a yoga shirt, and look for a new Easter present for David (I announced that the Easter Bunny brings the candy but mommy gets one gift - I didn't want to have to deal with getting a gift when he wasn't around since we are busy until Easter. They didn't have what he wanted (A DS game)).

Gone to Toys R Us looking for game. No go. He did pick out a Pokemon Book, which I purchased. Easter is now almost done (just have to assemble the baskets).

Rushed to Becca's Easter Party at preschool.

Took kids to Becca's gymnastics class.

Went to Doctor for David.

Came home and shipped items, balanced checkbook, and had long conversation with my dad about my sister. Discussed pros and cons of intervention.

David actually had the guts to tell me I don't do anything for him and this whole day was about me. (Because I wouldn't take him to his friends house today).

I haven't even showered yet.

The joys of motherhood.

Home Group Meeting tonight...

I chaired. It was a really nice meeting. I sat between my sponsor K and my friend D - two very awesome women. They are strong, smart, funny, and successful. Plus they have excellent hair and dress really well. They are the type of women you see walking down the street and think they look so confident and put together. Stylish is an appropriate word for them.

It isn't just the outside though. They exude acceptance - acceptance for who they are (and even acceptance for who they were - when they were drinking), acceptance for others in every stage of sobriety, acceptance about the world around us. It is all very spiritual, and I can't even begin to imagine me feeling like that, but I felt lucky tonight that I got the chance to sit between them, and feel safe and happy that they are in my life. I feel hopeful that someday I can be as calm and wise as they are. The thing that is so beautiful, though, is that they know it is never done. We are always a work in progress. There isn't a point when you sit back, put your feet up, and say, "Ah, it's over. I'm all better now."

There were two newcomers there today - one has been sober since Thursday, and the other about a month. Looking at them sharing their feelings, I couldn't believe how far I have come in such a short time. I know what they are feeling, and being reminded of it is so important. Being able to say something encouraging to them was huge. It truly DOES help keep me sober when I help another alcoholic. I have had a a hard time understanding that, but I am beginning to get it. It is starting to click.

Today I am grateful for.....

1.) My AA friends. I talked with 2 of them (my sponsor K and T) this afternoon for just a few minutes each. It is very nice to have my phone ring and smile when I see their names. And it is nice to know I don't have to say anything important - just checking in and saying hi is fine.

2.) Those frozen pretzels that you put salt on and then put in the microwave. Yum.

3.) Spring. It is coming. I can feel it!

4.) Spongebob Squarepants. He just allowed me 20 minutes of complete silence as my daughter watched him with complete attention.

An appropriate song....

So, I am a Disney freak. I love Disney. A lot. One of my best friends shares my joy of all things Disney. She recently made me a CD of Disney Princess songs (we are soooo princesses). My daughter loves it and insists on listening to it every time we are in the car. She also is a little particular about which songs, and especially likes the following one (which means I hear it about 70 times per day):

Part of your World (Ariel)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has ev'rything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think
(Sure) she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
(You want thingamabobs?
I got twenty)
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see
Wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those
(Whad'ya call 'em?) oh - feet
Flippin' your fins you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumpin', dancin'
Strollin' along down a
(What's that word again?) street

Up where they walk
Up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free
Wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give
If I could live
Outta these waters?
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm on the sand?
Betcha on land
They understand
Bet they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women
Sick o' swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions
And get some answers
What's a fire and why does it
(What's the word?) burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

I couldn't help but notice that the lyrics also fit what I have been
going through lately. Being in the throes of alcoholism is like being
underwater.  It was like I was on the outside looking in every
single day.  I couldn't do the simple things that everyone else did -
I was a prisoner to alcohol and to myself.  I was in my own
little world, letting people peek in here and there, but not
opening myself up fully - ever.

This blog and AA have helped me open up.  I can be honest
about what it was like, because it isn't like that anymore
(Thank God).  I do feel like I am now up above
the water, walking around, exploring the shore, learning
about the things that others have known all along.  I may
have known these things at one time, but
I have forgotten - and it is now slowly coming back to me.

I have a sponsor!

Tonight, at my home group, I asked K to be my sponsor. She said yes! I feel like I am supposed to do something momentous, like carve our names together in a tree. I guess, instead, I will post a blog saying "I have a sponsor!"

On another note, I got a new phone. I had a treo palm smartphone thing, but I hated it - it was so heavy and bulky. Plus, I am no good at updating it and using it as an organizer - I much prefer writing out calendars and lists. There is something very satisfying about crossing off - in pen - the things you have completed. So, anyway, my darling husband got me a pink razr when he went and got himself a new phone. Apparently, my choice in phones is so dated that they give it away free. Whatever - I still like it.

I hope this isn't too soon.....

I got a job.

I have been at home with my kids for several years now, running my own business. But, I decided, when I quit drinking, that it was time to get back out there. I liked working. I liked dressing up and going out and having a clear purpose, with defined goals and adult interaction and coffees and meetings. I know it sounds silly, but I have missed that stuff. I went to college and had a nice career before I started sliding into alcoholism and self pity and depression and motherhood. It isn't quite that desperate, but it was a black time.

So, I applied for a job - and I interviewed, and interviewed again, and wrote sample letters, and went to a fundraiser for the agency, and finally, almost two months later - I was offered the job. Pending a clear criminal background check, I am an employed woman. Again.

Part of me is elated that I actually convinced several people that I was right for this job - that really isn't what I have done (in a direct sense). I feel like I fooled them. Like they now believe that I am capable, even though deep down I feel like I am not. Like I am a kid playing office at my dad's desk - stapling things and answering the phone. Like I am not really qualified.

It is a good fit, in terms of my kids and my family and hours and flexibility. But, it is still a j-o-b.

The thing I need to remember is that if I don't like it, I can quit. It isn't like this decision is the final decision for the rest of my life. I'll try it, I'll see if I enjoy it and if I am good at it.

For now, I will just be happy I succeeded.

Sponsorship

Arghhhhhhh.

Just a few short hours ago, I was in a fairly good mood. Now, not so much.

So, one of the most important things you can do when you join AA is to get a sponsor. Like all my decisions in life, I am worrying about it, stressing over making the right choice, and generally just obsessing about it. I identified a list of potential sponsors a couple months ago.

1.) T - the gay kid who befriended me on my first night in AA. I really like him, we get along great, and I now consider him a friend. Sober for a bit over a year.

2.) K - a woman in my home group. She seems very nice - career woman, has kids, very down to earth. Dresses nice. Looks put together and has "what I want." (That is what you are supposed to look for in a sponsor - someone with good sobriety who has what you want). However, she is also very busy, and I rarely see her. Sober for 5 years.

3.) D - Nice woman, was in my yoga class before. Very friendly. Married, has a child, and a career. Sober for 6 years. Had lunch with her and T and M last weekend.

4.) M - Career woman, no kids. Sober for 5 plus years.

5.) N - she is T and K's sponsor. She is like the AA poster child. She is very involved - super active AAer. I had mentioned K to her as a potential sponsor for me, and she thought it sounded great - she said it would be good for both of us. Sober for over 20 years.

So, I know N has mentioned being my sponsor to K. K and I have talked shyly once or twice - it is like when you are in high school and one of your friends told the boy you have a crush on that you like him. You look at each other coyly, ignoring the big elephant in the room. But, I haven't asked her to be my sponsor yet - I am not sure why. Nervous? Maybe. Plus, I feel like I don't know her well enough. Like I am asking her something intimate without having a foundation first.

Today, at a meeting, T and I were talking about my lack of sponsorship and how I need to call K. I looked at him and said, "Why can't you just be my sponsor?" He told me he would ask N about it (his sponsor). I knew that she would think it was a terrible idea - and, I was right. She said he didn't have enough sobriety, and that he and I were too buddy buddy for a successful sponsorship situation. Deep down, I knew that. But, I still wanted it - it was the easier solution than reaching out to K.

Sigh. Guess I will try to call K this weekend.

And, this all happens when I could actually use a sponsor! When I got home from my meeting, my mom, who was babysitting my daughter admonished me for not answering my phone (it was off because of the whole AA meeting thing. Don't want "Yo Ho Yo Ho A Pirates Life for Me" screaming out in the middle of someone's share.). She barely said hello before she ran out the door with my dad and step-mom to rush off to get my sister - who apparently is in crisis again. My dad didn't even bother say hello to me, he just told me to get my sister an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Um, she is MY therapist. I know I sound like a bratty, selfish teenager with a severe case of sibling rivalry, but come on. I am dealing with my own shit here. I suggested, once again, that maybe she needs to go to a hospital. They said no.

I am really in a shitty mood.

Home Group

Tomorrow night is my home group meeting. Your home group is "your" meeting. The meeting that you belong to. That you always go to. And, you usually have a job of some sort at the meeting. In February I was on cleanup. This month, I am chairing the meetings.

You pick a home group based on where you feel the most comfortable. Some people pick them kind-of randomly. Not me. I researched it like I researched choosing a college. I asked so many questions, people were probably starting to wonder if I was for real. Never mind that if I wanted to change home groups, it isn't quite as labor intensive as transferring schools (as far as I can tell, it involves crossing your name off the handwritten list in the group you are leaving and adding it to the group you are joining). It didn't matter; I took this decision to heart the way I take every decision to heart - I agonized over it. And then I said to myself, "If you join, and don't like it, or find one you like better, you can change. Get a grip!" And, I wrote my name.

My home group is a meditation meeting. What that means is that we stare at a candle and think in silence for ten minutes; I usually think about my hair. Don't tell anyone, but I am not
really good at meditation.

My home group is also a literature meeting. What that means is that someone is chosen to pick a small reading from conference approved (AA approved) literature, and they read it. Then, after meditation, the person who chose it and read talks for a few minutes about the passage. Then, we go around in a circle and people talk about the passage, the topic, or what someone else said, or really anything on their mind.

It is a nice meeting.

Coincidences

One of the things I often hear at AA is that there are no coincidences. I tend to be a pragmatic, scientific, non-intuitive type person. I think coincidences happen all of the time as a matter of fact. So, I have a real hard time trying to shut up and just believe that things may not always be a coincidence. I am working on it.

At the racquetball tournament I mentioned earlier, I encountered such a coincidence. On Sunday, after my nervous searching for an alcoholic, any alcoholic, on Saturday night, I noticed one of the players in the tournament was wearing a t-shirt that said (on the back) "Back Off! I'm in Recovery!" I tapped him on the shoulder and asked to see what the front said. He excitedly showed me (it said "A Ditto" because you can't say AA because of some reason - probably copyright). He then explained that his dad (who was also in the tournament) was in AA (his dad piped in with "Two years!") and he had these shirts made in solidarity for him because he was so proud of him. I shook his dad's hand and kind-of whispered "Me too. Almost 3 months."

He was so nice! He took some time to talk with me, and got my address and email address. He then sent me the t-shirt (in pink!!) and a Big Book. (The Big Book is like the AA bible. They call it the Big Book because when it was first printed, it was on some large paper because they got a deal on it). We have kept in email contact. So, coincidence, or not? I still tend to think it was a happy coincidence, but whatever - it was nice!

Gratitude List

I think one of the things I am supposed to be doing daily is some sort-of gratitude list (I think it may be one of the steps. I am new; I am not really clear on everything!) Even if it isn't something I am asked to do, it seems like a good idea. Especially with the pity party this blog is becoming! I am going to have to be sure to be a little fun in here too.

So, today I am grateful for:

Yoga. Seriously, I love yoga. And, I finally am getting good at it (after like 5 years). Amazingly, my balance and concentration is much, much better sober! Who knew? At the next session at the Y, which starts next week, I am enrolled in 4 classes per week. I will not get to every one, but with my hectic schedule, I had to give myself some options. I am really looking forward to it. I have a new yoga mat, bag, and matching water bottle. I can't wait.

My Chi flat iron. It is amazing.

The new friends I have made in AA. I had lunch last Saturday with one of them, and we had a ball.

The library. I finally realized that spending money on books is kind-of stupid and then I have all these books taking up space in my small house. I have begun using the library instead and I love it. I can do a search at home, request the books I want, and just walk in and pick them up at the desk. Talk about service!

My new pink laptop. I broke my last one last week. My new laptop is really cute.

CSI Miami. It is on like 24 hours a day and we JUST started watching it, so I can always see an episode that is brand new to me.

Perrier water in small plastic bottles.

Lest I sound completely materialistic, I have to mention my gratitude for all the really important things, like my kids, husband, family, old friends, health, etc. But, really, that should be a no-brainer. Of course I am grateful for those things!

Life of life's terms

This is another one of those phrases you hear all the time in AA. Dealing with life - on life's terms - is apparently difficult for many alcoholics. Which makes complete sense.

I actually think dealing with life on life's terms is difficult for many people - alcoholic or not. I mean, really, avoidance is practically a national pastime. People spend too much money, eat too much, don't eat enough, go to therapy, go on meds, use drugs, have sex, and do a host of other things to feel better. Almost everyone I know has some sort of vice or issue. (And the few that don't I probably just don't know well enough). And, although they probably all stem from different triggers, I think it all boils down to ultimately, not wanting to deal. Life is hard. It is awesome too, and I know that without the lows you don't have the highs. I get that. I understand that logically. But, the lows are still hurtful.

As an alcoholic, I have not felt much in the last several years. I was anesthetized most of the time. Now that I am in (very) early sobriety, I am starting to feel again. And, oh my God, it sucks. I am not talking about anything life shattering - just basic stuff. Basic emotions that I drowned for so long feel very raw. I can only hope that it gets better. I have always prided myself on my ability to be fairly stoic. I don't cry much. I am a taskmaster, a list maker, and I get things done. Alcohol allowed me the ability to do that believe it or not. Now, I am defenseless, and I have to admit that it hurts. And, I have to deal with it.

I think for the most part, I am doing ok. I am doing the work. I never really understood that phrase. People who said they are "working on themselves" confused me. I would get a picture in my mind of them hunched over a desk writing furiously. They would look up with a furrowed brow and then start writing again.

I am doing the work now, and in my case, it is basically just feeling - and not trying to run from myself. Pretty basic stuff. I have faith that if I keep trying, it will get better.

Three Months....

Today is my 3 month anniversary of being sober. It is such a very small milestone - truly. I was at a meeting last night where the celebrant was 18 years sober. I am a newcomer - I am in very early sobriety. I have had many people tell me that 5 years is still early sobriety. And, honestly, it makes sense. I hear stories every day about people with many years sober who "go back out" (which is what many alcoholics call relapsing). Sobriety - whether it be early, middle, or late - can be a very tenuous thing.

I am, nonetheless, proud of my accomplishment. I cautiously look forward to many more months, weeks, years, and decades of celebrations.

This could get old....

Tonight was my first wedding since I got sober.

My cousin had a very small gathering (20 people). My sister was the photographer and I was her plus one.

I sat next to my cousin's father, who I haven't seen in forever (he and my Aunt divorced like 30 years ago). He is a big joker, never serious. He leaned over to me and whispered, "Between you and me, her family is a bunch of drunks. That is why we aren't having booze here."

I smiled and laughed a little nervously and he said, "I'm not kidding." I said, "I am sure you aren't."

When it came time for the toast, I sipped my water instead of the glass I was given, since I didn't know what it was. My aunt came over and said, "That isn't alcoholic if you want to have it."

My cousin's dad's eyes got large and he said, loudly, "Are you an alcoholic?" I smiled and said, "Yes, I am."

It was just so stupid. I don't want to have to deal with this crap for the rest of my life.

You are one of them?

Tonight I went to an AA meeting I regularly go to. There is also an al-anon meeting at the same location, at the same time.

As I was getting out of my car, I noticed a woman, who looked similar in age and economic status to me, getting out of her car, a bit uncertainly. She had the "look." Even though I am a mere infant in sobriety, I can spot a newcomer a mile away. She sized me up - she noticed my minivan with a carseat, my attractive coach bag, and my preppy scarf. She smiled and asked in an almost whisper, "Is this where the al-anon meeting is?" I nodded and told her it was. She asked where once you get inside, and I told her I would take her. As we walked in, she told me it had been a long while since she had been to a meeting. She said, "We have to come very once in awhile though, right? It is important for our sanity." I smiled and nodded again, and showed her the door to the al-anon meeting. Then I walked on to the next room, which had the AA sign on the door. I turned around and grinned at her. She looked shocked.

You never can tell.

Last weekend

Last weekend was an annual racquetball tournament at the YMCA. My father and I have volunteered at them for many years. This was the first time I had to do it sober.

On Wednesday, my friend Gary came over to work on the draw. He brought a twelve pack of beer. I smiled, thanked him, and told him I actually quit - to lose weight. My father was here and he told him to take it right back out to his car. (Yeah, like that didn't sound suspicious.) Gary looked confused. I didn't want to get into a big discussion about it, and I don't feel comfortable enough with him to tell him that I am an alcoholic - and plus it really isn't his business. There isn't any reason for him to know right now.

That was all fine. So, on Saturday, at the tournament, I was doing fine. And then a friend of my father's, who I often drank with at the tournaments (I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic) asked me if we were partying that night. I smiled and said sure a little bit. In my head I was thinking, "Shit."

I started to get really nervous, and really edgy. I hadn't thought that far ahead. The banquet on Saturday night is always a big drinking event. And, after the banquet, we usually go to a bar or someone's house or something to continue the party. I wondered if I should still go. One of the things I often hear at AA is, "You don't go to a whorehouse to listen to the piano player." But, there was a legitimate reason to go to the party. I was running the tournament.

I tried to do what I have been taught in AA. I knew I had to talk to an alcoholic. No-one else would do. My husband talked with me, but he doesn't understand. I often run into AA members at the Y, so I started wandering around looking for alcoholics. And, just my luck, no-one was there.

I pulled out the 30 or so phone numbers I have from people I have met and started calling the people I felt most comfortable with - but no-one was home. I hate the whole calling thing. AA members have been asking me almost every day if I was calling people. I get kind-of offended and say there is no need. I am BUSY. I have a life. I don't have time to call random strangers and babble about the weather. I have been told that it is vitally important because then if you are in a situation where you feel like you need to talk to someone, you have a network already. You have already made that first awkward call. I was pretty convinced that I would never need to call any of these people. I am doing just fine on my own, thank you very much.

But, let me tell you, Saturday night I would have killed for one of those alcoholics to answer the phone. I get it now. I know why I need to do it. I never thought I would feel the need to actually call and just have someone say, "I know how you are feeling." But, I wanted to hear it from someone else who had been there.

As it was, I didn't hear it from another alcoholic that night. But, I went to the party and drank my club soda and lime, and my husband drank his diet coke. And, it was a bit uncomfortable. I felt strange - like a fish out of water. I survived though. And, I didn't drink.

Why did I quit drinking?

That seems to be the $1000 question. My friends unanimously sounded shocked by my admission that I quit drinking and joined AA. One even called me back 2 hours after I told her asking EXACTLY what happened. Did I get arrested? Did I hurt myself or my kids? Did I get in a drunk driving accident?

Nope. Nope. And nope.

I have known for years that my drinking was out of control, but it seemed too difficult to even attempt to deal with it. I was good at hiding how much I drank - and no-one except my husband had any idea of how much I was drinking. I am not going to put every detail out here - at least not now - but I will say that I drank every day, with maybe a few days off (total) in the last 3 years. No, I am not exaggerating. I will also say that the number you are thinking in your head about how many beers each night.....you can probably safely double it. I passed out most nights.

I made promises to myself every day. I would look in the mirror in the morning and say "I hate what I am seeing. I need to stop drinking." And, I would have good intentions. But, by noon I would usually know that I was going to drink again that afternoon. And, almost without fail, I would.

I felt sick every single day. I wasn't hungover most days - not in the way you are thinking. I basically felt poorly all day long every day.

Monday, November 26th, 2007, I woke up feeling the same as every other day. But, when I looked in the mirror I started crying. And, I cried all day. I cried driving in the car. I cried at yoga. I cried looking up AA meetings online. I had done that so many times, but never actually went to one.

When my husband came home I cried to him, and told him I couldn't stand myself and I was going to a meeting. He said that sounded like a good idea.

I headed out at 7:30 to an AA meeting at a church. It was pouring rain. I was wearing my yoga clothes, my hair was a wreck, and I was starting to go into alcohol withdrawal. I was terrified. I wasn't sure what I was expecting.

I met several nice people that night - one of whom took me under his wing. He is a 22 year old gay kid and I smile when I think of him. His kindness got me to come back the next day, and the next.

So much happened the next few weeks, but that is for other posts. I am coming up on 3 months sober, and I have learned more than I ever could have imagined. I have horrible days, and good days, and great days - and that is what it is supposed to be like.

Why a recovery blog?

Good question. Since I stopped drinking (on 11/26/07), I have had so many thoughts to share. Funny thoughts, ironic thoughts, sad thoughts, angry thoughts, and even important thought provoking thoughts. However, sobriety can be an isolating thing. Sure, most of my friends and family know that I am an alcoholic, but it isn't something I want to bore them with day in and day out. And, let's face it, it would be flat out strange to say to one of the other moms at preschool that I was dying for a beer. It is not a good way to get playdates.

There is AA of course, and I am faithfully attending (although not always as often as I should). I have the beginning of a good support network. But, like anything, it doesn't come overnight. I do not have 100 new best friends who I want to share every thought with.

Additionally, the experience of actually telling people that I have been going to AA is interesting. People are VERY interested in what goes on behind those doors. Not the confidential stuff - but actual mundane things - like what we do and how it works and how you know where to go. It is interesting I suppose - since it is something that is very secretive. So, I am happy to share information about AA - not confidential stuff, but the basics. Hopefully it can help someone else - or maybe just help someone understand what those alcoholics are doing in there.

So, that is the why of this blog. I hope it will be a place to chronicle my journey and to help others (including my non-alcoholic friends) understand.